Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Just when I thought we were about to see the back of the two faced fucker, Alan Johnson says that Blair may cling onto power until next summer.

See here.

And the justification? From Mr Johnson:

"If the prime minister says: 'I want to use the rest of my time to try to resolve the Middle East problem in the same way we tried to tackle the Northern Ireland problem', I think it suggests he's not thinking about a couple of weeks. It's a big problem."

Well, that is a load of toss. For a start, as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, I think I speak for a lot of people in this country when I say that he should concentrate on resolving the problems of the UK rather than dicking about in the hideously complicated Middle East. Blair can't even manage the finances of his own party - how the frig fuck is he going to cope with the hideously complex issues of the Middle East? And hundreds of the greatest political figures of our time have tried to resolve the Middle East. And Blair is definitely not a great political figure. If Blair is going to stay in office until he has resolved the Middle East, he's going to die in office. And if he is just going to try, then he may as well piss off now as Bush's Bitch is always going to fail at this.

Johnson goes on:

"But I really think people now are saying: 'Tony, the date you step down is a matter for you and it would be crazy to name a date."

Not entirely sure who you are talking to, Alan, but I am a person and I am most definitely not saying that. In fact, what I am saying is "Resign. Now. Today. This instant." and "Fucking well let go. Now! What are you waiting for? Permission? The nation wants you to go, your party wants you to go, so please, just, fuck off! Now! Go! Stop talking about it and go!" I would say the message is fairly clear.

For all I know Blair may have made a fantastic speech - I cannot bring myself to watch it. In fact, the thought of Blair lisping and mincing his way through yet another conference speech makes me want to punch the nearest person to me repeatedly in the head. But being able to make a nice speech to a bunch of like minded people does not make up for the previous nine years of shite.

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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The Looooonnnnnng Goodbye...

...or, since it involves Tony Blair, "The Looooonnnnnng oh please do fuck off."

The BBC reproduces Blair's speech in full here. Go ahead, read it if you want to. Good luck. I tried, and found it so cloyingly self serving that I nearly reproduced my lunch. Before it sent me into a deep, troubled sleep. Boring does not begin to describe it. So instead, I read the key quotes.

"At least I don't have to worry about her running off with the bloke next door."

Very droll, Tony. Very topical. And I think you're right - there is no way that Cherie will be running off with Gordon Brown. But if she were to decide to elope with the drab bloke next door, he would have to want to go with her. And judging by her letter box mouth and generally odious personality, it would be highly unlikely that even the one eyed Chancellor would suddenly decide that your missus is worth running away with. In fact, even Ariel Sharon would be reluctant to touch your missus with a ten foot barge pole. Which, given the poor fucker is effectively brain dead, is really saying something.

"But it is also right to let go - for the country and for you, the party. "

Yes, I entirely agree. Fucking well let go. Now! What are you waiting for? Permission? The nation wants you to go, your party wants you to go, so please, just, fuck off! Now! Go! Stop talking about it and go!

On the Cameron Conservatives:

"Built to last? They haven't even laid the foundation stone. If we can't take this lot apart in the next few years we shouldn't be in the business of politics at all."

Is that a promise? If you fail to take Cameron's Conservatives from power before the next election, the Labour party will leave the business of politics? (Quite telling that this is the Labour leader who directly would associate politics and business.) Because the longer you cling to the fag end of your power, Blair, the more time your party will spend tearing itself apart whilst "Call Me Dave" Cameron cruises to power without actually having to say anything.

"Of course it's tough. Not a day goes by or an hour in the day when I don't reflect on our troops with admiration and thanks - the finest, the best, the bravest any nation could hope for. "

Which is why you have sent them to war without the right equipment and support then? You fucking cunt.

"At the moment I know people only see the price of these alliances. Give them up and the cost in terms of power, weight and influence for Britain would be infinitely greater. Distance this country and you may find it's a long way back."

No-one in their right minds thinks it is a bad idea for us to have an alliance with the US. What people object to is you making yourself the prag of the most ignorant and fucking incompetent president since James Buchanan. An alliance is a two way thing, not Bush bending you over the table and taking you roughly up the arse.

"That is why identity cards using biometric technology are not a breach of our basic rights, they are an essential part of responding to the reality of modern migration and protecting us against identity fraud."

How? How do ID cards represent a response to modern migration and identity fraud? How? Just by repeating something, you don't make it a fact. Tell me how and I'll probably agree with you. But you can't. Because ID cards just don't work. Most people in the UK are concerned about illegal immigration, and let's be honest, people coming into the country illegally probably won't register for an ID card. What with the threat of arrest and deportation. And identity fraud? Well, I would lay money on their being some fucker sat in a bedsit in Hackney working out how to forge ID cards. Just as someone learnt how to forge passports, cash cards and money.

"But above all else, I want to thank the British people - not just for the honour of being Prime Minister but for the journey of progress we have travelled together."

Tony, you really don't need to thank me. Mainly because I think you are a shameless tosser and have worked very hard over the past three years against you and your miserable excuse for a party. And also because I think this country has gone backwards over the past nine years. Journey of progress, no. Journey of regression, oh yes.

But if you really still feel the need to thank me, and want to prove it, then there is a really easy way to do it. Resign. Now. Today. This instant. Otherwise, just shut the fuck up.

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The Daily Mail Tendency

Last Friday the Moai and I decided, over a few beers in a Canadian pub in Central London (no really, there is one, and I love it), to start a new project. The Daily Mail Tendency. To the Moai it sounds like the name to a politically aware punk band, for me it sounds more like a satrical BBC 2 show, probably along the lines of something produced by Armando Iannuci. But since we are neither punk rockers or TV producers, and because we really like the name, The Daily Mail Tendency will be something else. A blog dedicated to fisking bad journalism everywhere. And whilst it is not the only source of bad journalism in this country, the rabidly angry and often stupid Daily Mail is a good place to start.

Of course, it could go nowhere. But it could also be a lot of fun... Crappy journalism everywhere, bring it on!

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Monday, September 25, 2006

Prime Minister Brown

The BBC reports that Gordon Brown has started making his case to be Prime Minister. Needless to say I have waited with bated breath to see what the dour drip has to say about being our leader...

And he doesn't disappoint - a collection of platitiudes and shallow niceties that would put his teflon coated, greaseball nemesis to shame.

"I know where I come from, what I believe and what I believe and what I can contribute."

Great, you know where you come from and what you believe in. We'll make you fucking Prime Minister based on that. You fuckwit! Everyone, barring the mentally retarded, knows where they come from and what they believe in.

"And I am confident that my experience and my values gives me the strength to take the tough decisions."

I am going to say something controversial here. We are not looking for someone to make tough decisions. I think we would all prefer someone who made the right decisions. Gordo, just because something is tough does not make it right. It would be a tough decision for me to decide to put my bollocks in a mangle. And if I did it, you know what, it wouldn't be the right decision. Because it would be fucking stupid. Tough doesn't mean right, it can also mean wrong. I reckon Brown is already getting his excuses ready for the next election. "Yes, well, I fucked up the country even more than Blair did but at least the decisions I made were tough."

"The chancellor said he wanted a "new politics" founded on responsibilities as well as rights."

Hmmm, I've heard this somewhere before. Actually, from your Conservative Rival, Gordo. Go and look at the Tory Party website - "In his foreword to the revised Built to Last document, David Cameron put “a responsibility revolution” at the heart of the modern Conservative Party’s mission". David Cameron has fuck all in the way of policy, so I find it staggering that Brown feels the need to steal from him. Fucking hell, Brown, are you really so unimaginative that you have to scrape the bottom of Cameron's empty barrel?

"I would relish the opportunity to take on David Cameron and the Conservative Party."

Of course you fucking would! If you have the opportunity to take on the Tories, then it means your party has gone completely insane and elected you as Prime Minister. And you have spent the last nine years glowering in Number 11, sulking like a spoilt kid who has had his favourite toy confiscated, because you want to be PM but the nasty, meanie Tony Blair won't let you. I have no doubt that Cameron relishes the chance to take on you. Mainly because it means he wins the next election.

"I believe then and I believe now that at all times the Labour Party must stand for more than a programme: we must have a soul."

Oh, do fuck off. What ever soul the Labour Party has once long since sold when Ministers began whoring their time at the party conference. When they decided to rob tax payers money to pay off their debts. When they went to war in Iraq based on lies. When... actually, fuck it, I could go on but there is nothing that springs to mind that this administration has done that doesn't representing not only selling, but then raping and murdering before burying in a shallow grave, the soul of the Labour party. Clement Attlee must be spinning in his grave like an epileptic on speed.

Gordon, I want you to be Prime Minister. I want you to win so you can lose the next general election. And we can consign this abysmal attempt at a Labour government to the dustbin of history. Actually, for the pile of shite that NuLabour has been, that analogy does not work. Let's instead say Brown should be PM so we can flush NuLabour down the toilet bowl of history.

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Friday, September 22, 2006

Scrounging Labour Bastards

Un-fucking-believable. Hazel Blears (or Hazel Bleats) wants your money to pay for Labour's election spending. See here for the details.

"Hazel Blears, the party chairman, told The Times yesterday that Labour, as the party of government, should get more public money to support political work."

To support political work? What sort of political work? Sorting out the failing education system/health system/any other system in this country that has been run down by nine years of NuLabour rule? You know, the good sort of political work? Nope, not at all. Bleats et al want the taxpayer to pay for their next General Election campaign.

"She also wants all parties to receive funds to support political work to engage with disillusioned voters in the community."

Stupid woman. Stupid, stupid, stupid woman. You don't need more funds to engage the disillusioned voters. You just want decent policies that actually mean something to people. Stop pushing meaningless fucking policies like ID cards, and instead tell people about how you are going to pay for their pensions. Actually talk about issues and ideas that interest people and impact on their lives.

In fact, Hazel, you want to know why people in this country are disillusioned? Well, you troll faced baboon, it *could* be because of the brazen corruption of this government. It *could* be the fact that your party may have sold seats in the second House of our government in return for election funds. What do you think, Bleats? Could that be the problem?

In which case the last fucking thing you want to do is go out with cap in hand to the population asking them to cover the short fall in funds caused by your party's cash for peerages scam being rumbled. The Labour Party is £20 million in debt. The quickest way for you to disillusion voters further is by robbing that £20 million from their taxes.

Blears says:

"That (the funding) will mean, hopefully, you don’t have to go out and raise huge sums of money because there will be a level playing field."

Yes, a level playing field funded by the people you are meant to representing! Get this through your head, Blears, your proposals are about going out to raise huge sums of money! It is just that you will be raising the huge sums from the general public rather than from rich businessmen who fancy "Lord" on their business cards. It is telling of the NuLabour mindset that they do not think of taxes as money that has been raised. They do not think of it as the public's money, and think it is their right to spend it.

"I think that is what the public wants."

What the fucking hell would you know about what the public wants, Hazel, you rectum faced, delusional armpit of a human being? You and your despicable government do not have the first clue about what this country wants, as shown by the fact you think robbing millions of pounds from public funds to pay for your offensive electioneering is something the public supports. If you honestly think that the general public wants to piss even more of their money up the wall then you are even more stupid than you look.

And I ask myself whether anyone can really be this clueless. Because there is an alternative, a nagging little doubt at the back of mind. Because I think Blears and her odious army of NuLabourites do know what the General Public want. They just don't give a flying fuck.

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Thursday, September 21, 2006

Comedy Genius

Here - Ming the Merciful's speech to the Lib Dem conference will include the wonderful lines:

"My objective is nothing less than to complete the transformation of the Lib Dems from a party of opposition into a party of government."

Brilliant! That makes me laugh so much I could wet myself! And my objective, Ming, is to win the Lottery. Much more likely to happen that your mongrel party of perverts and pious prigs achieving notable electoral success in this country. Give it up, go and retire to Brighton, and take your hoard of pseudo-socialists with you.

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Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Bless 'em

See, I don't hate the Liberal Democrats (with the exception of that utter cunt Simon Hughes). Sure, I dislike them, and their local campaigns can often be vitrolic and bitter, but ultimately they are not important enough to hate. They remind me of the earnest fat kid at school - just as the fat kid desperately tries to do well in the classroom and on the sport's field but can't succeed as he is obese and stupid, the Liberal Democrats desperately try to get into government. Even though they are fundamentally incapable of achieving that goal.

And as a result everything about the Liberal Democrats is that little bit pointless. Take this story - a drunk who once crapped himself in the office doesn't shake hands with a doddering old fool. As leadership rivalries go, it really isn't that impressive or exciting. Blair and Brown are fighting each other to become Prime Minister - to become the leader of our country. Kennedy and Ming the Merciful are fighting each other to lead a band of geography teachers, failed social workers and pious arts lecturers to a guaranteed third place in the next General Election. Honestly, I would argue that Tennant replacing Eccleston as Doctor Who probably had more impact on this nation than Kennedy being replaced by Campbell.

The Liberal Democrats are like student polticians - they are allowed by the electorate to spew their unworkable crap at the public in general as everyone knows they will never get into a position of power where they can implement that unworkable crap.

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Iran president berates US and UK

Here.

In other news:

Today is September 20th.

It is also a Wednesday.

Some people got out of bed this morning.

Some people didn't.

Some people are going to have a good today.

Other's aren't.

And finally, some people will have a sandwich for lunch today.

I mean, for fuck's sake, Ahmadinejad berating the West is not "news". Real news would be "Ahmadinejad forgives and forgets the US", "Muslims shrug off Pope's comments saying 'It doesn't really matter'" and "Blair says something worth hearing". News shouldn't be stating the bleeding obvious.

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Our new logo

...has attracted controversy.

"And one comment left on the website of prospective Tory candidate Iain Dale said it looked "like a three-year-old has been let loose with a crayon"."

Quite right too. Although I would have said a three year old with serious learning difficulties.

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Saturday, September 16, 2006

More Muslim Anger

The Muslim world is once again irate. As the Moai mentioned to me yesterday, it must be exhausting to be this angry all the time. I'm angry a lot of the time, but like to balance it with sleep and being drunk. Obviously Muslims can't do the latter...

I don't think I have much to add to the debate. I am neither Muslim nor Catholic, and really couldn't give a flying fuck what each side says as long as no-one is being hurt. But I would argue that the irate Muslims really need to get a sense of perspective on this. The Pope should be completely irrelevant to the Muslim world. He is the head of a religion that they do not believe in. He is a celibate former member of the Hitler youth who wears dresses and lives in a palace in Italy. He developed a reputation up John Paul II for being a ruthless Christian fundamentalist. Why the frig fuck, given all that, would be be pro-Islam?

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Thursday, September 14, 2006

"Tony Blair is my Friend"

Not my friend, obviously. I wouldn't piss on the fucker if he was on fire. But apparently Blair has a true friend in the form of the eternally grim faced Gordon Brown. See here for the full, sickeningly sycophantic, article on Sky News.

Like the rest of the world I know that Brown hates Blair with a deep and bitter passion. He probably has done since circa 2001, when it became clear that Blair was going to hang around for longer than he had first indicated to Brown. And I am sure that the hatred is mutual. The truth is clear for everyone to see.

So why is Brown lying to the public and pretending that Blair is his friend? The single best thing for Brown to do would be to turn round right now and say that he does not get on with Blair. The majority of the country does not like Blair, so it is completely pointless for the Macbeth of Number 11 Downing Street to ally himself with Blair at this time. You want to be popular with the voters, Gordo? Use one word to describe Blair.

Just one word.

"Wanker."

But he would rather lie and call him "friend".

This is typical of what is happening in the race to replace Blair. Brown is stumbling badly. He should be heading towards a coronation, but instead the best he can currently hope for is being elected as Labour leader after a long, difficult struggle with a Blairite. The stage is set for a charismatic, electable compromise candidate.

Alan Johnson must be looking very appealing to the Labour party right about now.

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Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Apparently I am not a democrat.

Righty-ho, this should be interesting. For those of you who haven't encountered him, Neil Harding is a devout New Labourite who has an unerring ability to speak crap on a wide variety of topics. I see him as a hopelessly naive, slightly hysterical pseudo-socialist. No doubt he would see me as a bitter, twisted far right ranter. Which I am.

Here he takes on PR, and in doing so implies I am not a democrat.

"This is the viciuos downward spiral in voter turnout happening across the world."

Voter turnout at the last election in the UK actually went up. Still not a great figure, but it did go up. And whilst the percentage turnouts in the USA was not great in the 2004 US election, turnouts did go up and Bush got the most voters ever for a US presidential candidate, with Kerry getting the second largest number of votes ever. Kind of indicates the downward trend may have been halted and may be moving in a more positive direction. To me, anyway. And, I'm fairly sure that is not how to vicious.

"If we are to tackle social exclusion, we need to tackle low voter turnout."

Probably also need to address other issues, like the poor education system, the tagging of people as problems with ASBOs etc etc etc.

"If I was PM I would embed these changes in a constitution then retire safe in the knowledge that the majority would have to agree any future government."

Constitutions can be changed. Two amendments to the US Constitution are about banning, then allowing, the consumption of alcohol. One amendment allows the people of the US to bear arms, and we all know the problems that causes. Bush will push for constitutional amendments banning gay marriage and abortion (although I doubt he will succeed). My point is this - constitutions can be amended, even if you require a majority of the population voting for the amendment. Ultimately constitutions are deeply flawed safeguards - at their basic level they are ideas written on a piece of paper, and fundamentally can be changed by someone with a new idea and a bottle of tippex.

"until voters scrutinise policy and see what a bunch of weirdos the BNP are, this scrutiny will happen under PR far more than it does under FPTP because minority viewpoints cannot be ignored"

Or, on the flipside, PR could improve the fortunes of the BNP through raising their profile. That is what effectively happened in the Weimar Republic during the 1920's to the National Socialist Party.

"Under FPTP it makes sense for the rightwing press to promote the far right because the poorer voters who vote BNP might otherwise have voted Labour. Under PR this would not be beneficial to the Conservatives, unlike under FPTP where any splintering of the poorer vote benefits the Tories."

So what you are proposing is not for the benefit of the poor or the country, but rather for your party? How very ignoble.

"They cite the favoured stat that the Tories got 60,000 more votes than Labour but 93 less seats in England. What they conveniently fail to say, is that the Tories in England, only got 35.7% of the vote and yet received 36.7% of the seats, so they are actually OVER-REPRESENTED in England."

Yes, but the fundamental point remains that, as the losing party in England, Labour are dramatically over-represented.

"To say any one party can speak for the whole of England is absurd. Regional assemblies make much more sense, as obviously does a proportional system."

Regional assemblies make bugger all sense, and tend to be costly wastes of time. And we need to decide whether we are going towards increased local democracy in the UK or increased centralisation in/with the European Union. Because at the moment we are pissing money away on the regional assemblies and on the EU.

"In my opinion anybody who supports FPTP cannot be truly called a democrat."

I appreciate it is your opinion, and I am more than happy to hear your opinion, but frankly your opinion is utter shite. I support FPTP, and I am a democrat. I believe passionately in democracy, but also believe that democracy needs to be workable. FPTP gives us governments who can actually go out and achieve things after winning an election, as opposed to unstable coalitions that achieve bugger all owing to the fact everyone is trying to appease the fringe parties. FPTP may give too much power to the main parties, but PR gives far too much power to the fringe parties. Ultimately in FPTP someone wins and someone loses. That's life - many advocates of PR just cannot cope with this simple fact of life. FPTP isn't ideal, but it has given this country (with the exception of the second Wilson/Callaghan government) stable governments with marjorities that have allowed them to implement the programmes and platforms that they were elected on.

It is fucking piss bastard typical for a left-winger/New Labourite to knee-jerk and claim that someone who does not agree with them is not a democrat. No, you dickhead, it just means I don't agree with you! Which is the whole point of democracy!

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Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Labour Blogging

These guys say it far better than me, but the Labour Party take on blogging needs to be seen to be believed.

"You should avoid personal attacks. You should avoid being wholly negative." Next to a picture of Dave the Chameleon.

Can't they afford someone to act as a proof reader for their website?

Actually, probably not.

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Friday, September 08, 2006

Blair's achievements (ho ho ho)

The Moai flagged this website to me. Obviously it made me laugh in a hollow, scornful way. And respond with customary caustic sarcasm. So I e-mailed a couple of my thoughts to him:

"3. Introduced the National Minimum Wage
Would be more of an achievement if it wasn’t (a) insultingly low and (b) actually lower than the payouts on the dole.

29. Negotiated the historic Good Friday Agreement in Northern Ireland
Letting murderers free from prison is not a major achievement in my book. "


And the Moai went to town in awesome fashion, reminding me of why sarcastic, biting ranting can be a force for good in this world. I reproduce his peerless prose below:

"14. Devolved power to the Scottish Parliament
15. Devolved power to Welsh Assembly
23. Restored city-wide government to London

... very very grudgingly, after failing to stuff said fora with placemen.... good old Ken Livingstone and Rhodri Morgan, eh?

7. Best-ever primary school results
... was the first government to *test* at this level, so, it would be the best results yet. You really take us for retards, don't you Tony?

28. The biggest rolling stock replacement programme ever seen on our railways
... paid for by government subsidy to supposedly private companies....

5. Cut overall crime by 35 per cent
.... defined *how*, precisely?

10. Written off up to 100 per cent of debt owed by poorest countries

...while continuing to do absolutely jack about the CAP and its continual, outrageous beggaring of those countries

4. Record police numbers in England and Wales
11. 78,700 more nurses12. 27,400 more doctors

30. Over 30,000 more teachers in England schools
...how many have *left* these services at the same time?

37. Cut long-term youth unemployment by 75 per cent

...by lowering university entrance standards....

48. Record number of students in higher education
... see above - did this while freezing maintenance grants to universities, and *after* bringing in tuition fees and abolishing grants. Quite astonishing, really, when you think how heavily his government has disincentivised students to go.

43. Cleanest rivers, beaches, drinking water and air since the industrial revolution

...did *he* do anything to contribute to this? Where, precisely? I would argue that the end of British heavy industry under Thatcher, combined with stringent EC legislation made this possible.

46. Halved maximum waiting times for NHS operations
... by fining trusts that make people wait. Those who wait longest therefore get operated on when they hit the time limit, irrelevant of what is actually wrong with them, while those in dire need wait, in pain, for longer.

45. Banned fur farming and the testing of cosmetics on animals
... European legislation, not his idea...

50. Five, six and seven-year-olds in class sizes of 30 or less
... Every single one? Really?

While he's been in power I've been to university and found a very nice girlfriend. Does he want to take the credit for that too? Perhaps he was responsible for the Ashes and the Welsh Grand Slam, as well? Where *does* his omnipotence end? Is he responsible for the sunny blue sky today? Oh, say you *are*, Tony, say you are, do!"


Top tier stuff. I am all for anyone who wants to make the worst week of Blair's life even worse by pointing out that he has, in his nine years in power, achieved the square root of fuck all. And you know what the ironic thing is? The Moai is left wing, and I am right wing, and the one thing that we can always agree on is that Blair has been a complete and total disappointment to everyone in this country, regardless of political views. Less than a year left, Blair reckons? Good fucking riddance to the shameless tosser.

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Another reason to like Michael Howard...

...no really. With the endless speculation about Blair's future, and with the debacle that surrounded the end of the Kennedy era as Lib Dem leader, it is worth noting that the last UK party leader who managed to resign but still retain a shred of dignity was Michael Howard. He said he would hold his subordinates responsible if they did not do what they were supposed to do, and since he failed to win the election, he applied the same rules to himself and ended any leadership speculation by resigning the afternoon after Election Day. He then stayed on for long enough to organise the very epitome of an orderly transition, with the four (then two) candidates debating issues without sniping at each other. Compare that to the meltdown that the Lib Dems went through at the beginning part of this year, and the meltdown Labour is currently going through, it is difficult not to think of Howard and realise that he actually knew what he was doing. Howard's legacy is a united Tory party, that will almost certainly win the next election. Blair's legacy to his party could be a rift to rival 1981.

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Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Tom Watson Resigns

I, like most people in this nation, had never heard of Tom Watson until he signed the letter stabbing Tony Blair in the back.

Fair play to the man. He has seen that Blair is an absolute liability for his party and therefore has decided to do the decent thing and try to fuck him over. I would imagine Watson's main concern is not for the nation or the party, but rather he is looking at the polling figures and shitting himself - he sees himself job-hunting when he loses his seat at the next election.

The BBC do us the great service of publishing his resignation letter. And what a load of toadying Nu-Labour bollocks it is. Even when he is quitting, he is butt kissing.

"I have served the Party at every conceivable level and your own leadership since 1994 in a dozen different capacities, latterly as MP for West Bromwich East, a Government Whip, and as Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State at the Ministry of Defence. "

Fleshing out the CV are we, Tom?

"My loyalty to you personally, as well as to the Party and the values we stand for, has been absolute and unswerving."

Presumably written with an ironic laugh.

"My pride in what our government has achieved under your leadership is beyond expression."

Don't make me puke. Name 5 achievements and I will buy you lunch, Tom. Which, now you have committed political suicide, is an offer not many people will be making.

"We have revolutionised the lives and expectations of millions of our citizens, combining social justice with prosperity in a way which is unprecedented in the history of our country."

Except, you know, revolutionising the lives of the poor.

"Your leadership has been visionary and remarkable. The party and the nation owes you an incalculable debt."

Man, crawl out of Blair's anus. You have quit. The time for brown nosing is long gone. And I would say that Blair owes the nation a debt, not the other way round. Staying at No. 10 has got to be pricey, and most PM's do stuff to try to justify that expenditure. Blair has done next to nothing, and what he has done is generally negative (Iraq, anyone?).

"How and why this situation has arisen no longer matters."

I think it does, Tom. Parties and politicians learn from the mistakes of others (or at least should do.) Or maybe you don't know who the situation has arisen. That would be very Nu-Labour. Jumping on a band wagon, isn't it?

"As you know, I had a conversation with the Chief Whip last night, in which she asked me to withdraw my support from the 2001 intake's letter calling on you to stand down, or my position would be untenable as a government minister."

You needed the Chief Whip to point that out to you? You think, that after stabbing the leader of your party and the government you serve in the back, your position might still be tenable? What, did you think that Blair might go "ooo, that Tom, he's a one, isn't he? Asking me to resign! What a cheeky wee scamp! Gotta love him though! Maybe I'll promote him, because if there is one thing I love, it is people being outspoken in their opposition to me!" Jesus, Tom, get a grip!

"I cannot withdraw my name, and therefore I accept her judgement."

Make a decision for yourself, you spineless twat. Make your own judgement!

Still, fair play to him, he has done the deed and helped hasten the end of the Blair regime. And I don't want people to think I am supporting Blair in any way. Oh, no. If the man was anything other than a cowardly cunt he would have sacked Watson as soon as he heard about the letter.

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Tuesday, September 05, 2006

I think he has given up.

Seriously, the leaked memo and the comments of David Miliband indicate to me that Blair has finally accepted that the speculation is too much and he needs to say when he is going.

So I will predict two things:

1. Blair will announce when he is leaving in the next two weeks.

2. He will allow himself to stay for just over a year, claiming he is organising the orderly transition.

The only way Blair can stop his party from tearing itself apart is by announcing when he is going before the conference. Frankly I can't wait - firstly so we know when we will see the back of the Blair and secondly so we can watch the Labour Party rip itself to shreds, arguing over Brown and Reid as candidates for PM.

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Monday, September 04, 2006

The Crocodile Hunter

I have to be honest with you but the news of the death of Steve Irwin fills me with, at best, ambivalence and, at worst, a crippling apathy. Sure, I feel sorry for his family and his death does seem to have been a freak accident (since the last time this happened in Australia was in 1945) but if we are honest the guy was never going to grow old, collect a pension and die in bed, was he? Plus he had some interesting childcare techniques.

Still, he did have an interesting death. Whereas my demise will be somewhat less glamourous - in the words of Bernard L. Black I will die "alone, upside down, on the floor of a pub toilet."

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Sunday, September 03, 2006

Built to Last or Pile of Arse?

Yesterday morning I received a letter from 25 Victoria Street. Letters with that return address fill me with a slight dread as the only people I know who would write to me from that address are the Conservative Party. And they are normally asking for some of my money.

However, whilst it was a letter from the Tories, somewhat wonderfully it was asking for my opinion rather than my cash. It seems young Dave Cameron has been working hard and has come up with some policies. And he wants me to vote on them. Hoorah!

Except -

No.

He has come up with a booklet. 11 pages long. With 8 points in it. And he mentions climate change in the first paragraph.

To be fair I haven't read the complete document yet - I haven't got 7 minutes to spare at this particular moment. And I will read it, and vote on it. But my gut feeling is not good. Because the party of Disraeli, of Churchill, of Thatcher has been reduced to an 11 page booklet. All the history and policies of the party have been reduced to a document that makes a bastard ladybird book look like War and Peace. For the first time since 1992 it looks like the Conservatives can win an election, and for the first time since then it looks like there is no point in us doing so. As we have nothing to say.

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Friday, September 01, 2006

The "Good" List

Good God this makes me want to puke (as does my hangover but that is another story). A "Good" List. It is the sort of psuedo liberal arse that makes me despair of democracy and freedom of speech. It is partly that I object to what they are saying, but also that they actually bother to do it in the first place.

They say: "from time to time that pedestrian world-view is overturned by individuals whose impulse is visionary, idealist or prophetic."

As a result they have pulled together a List of people dubbed by The Independent as good.

Two things irritate me about this. The first is the fact that this is all a counterbalance to the Rich List - the underlying, pseudo socialist assumption that rich people cannot be good. Sure, some wealthy people are total tossers but you can be rich and good, just as you can be poor and bad.

But the choices, oh man, the choices! Ken Loach, for example. Ken bastard Loach. A man who makes incredibly worthy (and for worthy read dull) films. Yes, Cathy Come Home was ground breaking and helped the formation of Shelter. But I would be much more impressed if Loach had set up Shelter himself, rather than being a pissing film maker. There is nothing that Loach has done that is essential. Stick the people who actually work for Shelter on the Good List, not some cunt who makes lefty, borderline unwatchable films. Not saying he is a bad person. Just not saying he is that good either.

Lionel Blue? Never heard of the fucker. But The Independent tells me he is the the first openly gay Rabbi, and has epilepsy, depression and cancer as well as a "prickly relationship with his mother."Fuck-a-doodle-do. He is gay, ill, and doesn't get on with his mother but apparently because he has "courageously paraded his human frailty with routine references" to his various issues. In other words he bangs on about his problems. You know what? I would have far more respect for someone who has all those issues and shuts up about it. Used to be called "quiet dignity."

Philip Pullman? Now I own a copy of Northern Lights but have never got round to reading it. There is something about it that makes me think "nah, trying to hard to be an intellectual Harry Potter." So I have no idea whether his books are any good but I don't think writing a book makes him a good person. The justification for putting him on the Good List is he "creates worlds in which children see good as a matter of choices that are within their control. Pullman wants children to realise they are the inheritors of philosophical, artistic, scientific and literary riches." Right, so he doesn't interact with the kids he seeks to educate, but instead pontificates for them from afar. I would be more inclined to put some teachers on the Good List - you know, the people who want children to understand what is good but do so by educating the children.

Jon Snow? Oh just fuck off. He wears bad ties and presents a biased news show. The only reason why he is on the list is that the bias of Channel Four News happens to be in ther favour of the watered down socialism The Independent spouts.

There are hundreds of good people in this country. They ain't on the list. Fine, not everyone can be. But The Independent shouldn't call it the "Good List". They should call it what it is: "A List of people that, as tweed wearing Liberal Democrat voting veggie try hards, we think should be honoured with being named in a lefty newspaper."

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