Prime Minister Brown

The BBC reports that Gordon Brown has started making his case to be Prime Minister. Needless to say I have waited with bated breath to see what the dour drip has to say about being our leader...

And he doesn't disappoint - a collection of platitiudes and shallow niceties that would put his teflon coated, greaseball nemesis to shame.

"I know where I come from, what I believe and what I believe and what I can contribute."

Great, you know where you come from and what you believe in. We'll make you fucking Prime Minister based on that. You fuckwit! Everyone, barring the mentally retarded, knows where they come from and what they believe in.

"And I am confident that my experience and my values gives me the strength to take the tough decisions."

I am going to say something controversial here. We are not looking for someone to make tough decisions. I think we would all prefer someone who made the right decisions. Gordo, just because something is tough does not make it right. It would be a tough decision for me to decide to put my bollocks in a mangle. And if I did it, you know what, it wouldn't be the right decision. Because it would be fucking stupid. Tough doesn't mean right, it can also mean wrong. I reckon Brown is already getting his excuses ready for the next election. "Yes, well, I fucked up the country even more than Blair did but at least the decisions I made were tough."

"The chancellor said he wanted a "new politics" founded on responsibilities as well as rights."

Hmmm, I've heard this somewhere before. Actually, from your Conservative Rival, Gordo. Go and look at the Tory Party website - "In his foreword to the revised Built to Last document, David Cameron put “a responsibility revolution” at the heart of the modern Conservative Party’s mission". David Cameron has fuck all in the way of policy, so I find it staggering that Brown feels the need to steal from him. Fucking hell, Brown, are you really so unimaginative that you have to scrape the bottom of Cameron's empty barrel?

"I would relish the opportunity to take on David Cameron and the Conservative Party."

Of course you fucking would! If you have the opportunity to take on the Tories, then it means your party has gone completely insane and elected you as Prime Minister. And you have spent the last nine years glowering in Number 11, sulking like a spoilt kid who has had his favourite toy confiscated, because you want to be PM but the nasty, meanie Tony Blair won't let you. I have no doubt that Cameron relishes the chance to take on you. Mainly because it means he wins the next election.

"I believe then and I believe now that at all times the Labour Party must stand for more than a programme: we must have a soul."

Oh, do fuck off. What ever soul the Labour Party has once long since sold when Ministers began whoring their time at the party conference. When they decided to rob tax payers money to pay off their debts. When they went to war in Iraq based on lies. When... actually, fuck it, I could go on but there is nothing that springs to mind that this administration has done that doesn't representing not only selling, but then raping and murdering before burying in a shallow grave, the soul of the Labour party. Clement Attlee must be spinning in his grave like an epileptic on speed.

Gordon, I want you to be Prime Minister. I want you to win so you can lose the next general election. And we can consign this abysmal attempt at a Labour government to the dustbin of history. Actually, for the pile of shite that NuLabour has been, that analogy does not work. Let's instead say Brown should be PM so we can flush NuLabour down the toilet bowl of history.