The Looooonnnnnng Goodbye...

...or, since it involves Tony Blair, "The Looooonnnnnng oh please do fuck off."

The BBC reproduces Blair's speech in full here. Go ahead, read it if you want to. Good luck. I tried, and found it so cloyingly self serving that I nearly reproduced my lunch. Before it sent me into a deep, troubled sleep. Boring does not begin to describe it. So instead, I read the key quotes.

"At least I don't have to worry about her running off with the bloke next door."

Very droll, Tony. Very topical. And I think you're right - there is no way that Cherie will be running off with Gordon Brown. But if she were to decide to elope with the drab bloke next door, he would have to want to go with her. And judging by her letter box mouth and generally odious personality, it would be highly unlikely that even the one eyed Chancellor would suddenly decide that your missus is worth running away with. In fact, even Ariel Sharon would be reluctant to touch your missus with a ten foot barge pole. Which, given the poor fucker is effectively brain dead, is really saying something.

"But it is also right to let go - for the country and for you, the party. "

Yes, I entirely agree. Fucking well let go. Now! What are you waiting for? Permission? The nation wants you to go, your party wants you to go, so please, just, fuck off! Now! Go! Stop talking about it and go!

On the Cameron Conservatives:

"Built to last? They haven't even laid the foundation stone. If we can't take this lot apart in the next few years we shouldn't be in the business of politics at all."

Is that a promise? If you fail to take Cameron's Conservatives from power before the next election, the Labour party will leave the business of politics? (Quite telling that this is the Labour leader who directly would associate politics and business.) Because the longer you cling to the fag end of your power, Blair, the more time your party will spend tearing itself apart whilst "Call Me Dave" Cameron cruises to power without actually having to say anything.

"Of course it's tough. Not a day goes by or an hour in the day when I don't reflect on our troops with admiration and thanks - the finest, the best, the bravest any nation could hope for. "

Which is why you have sent them to war without the right equipment and support then? You fucking cunt.

"At the moment I know people only see the price of these alliances. Give them up and the cost in terms of power, weight and influence for Britain would be infinitely greater. Distance this country and you may find it's a long way back."

No-one in their right minds thinks it is a bad idea for us to have an alliance with the US. What people object to is you making yourself the prag of the most ignorant and fucking incompetent president since James Buchanan. An alliance is a two way thing, not Bush bending you over the table and taking you roughly up the arse.

"That is why identity cards using biometric technology are not a breach of our basic rights, they are an essential part of responding to the reality of modern migration and protecting us against identity fraud."

How? How do ID cards represent a response to modern migration and identity fraud? How? Just by repeating something, you don't make it a fact. Tell me how and I'll probably agree with you. But you can't. Because ID cards just don't work. Most people in the UK are concerned about illegal immigration, and let's be honest, people coming into the country illegally probably won't register for an ID card. What with the threat of arrest and deportation. And identity fraud? Well, I would lay money on their being some fucker sat in a bedsit in Hackney working out how to forge ID cards. Just as someone learnt how to forge passports, cash cards and money.

"But above all else, I want to thank the British people - not just for the honour of being Prime Minister but for the journey of progress we have travelled together."

Tony, you really don't need to thank me. Mainly because I think you are a shameless tosser and have worked very hard over the past three years against you and your miserable excuse for a party. And also because I think this country has gone backwards over the past nine years. Journey of progress, no. Journey of regression, oh yes.

But if you really still feel the need to thank me, and want to prove it, then there is a really easy way to do it. Resign. Now. Today. This instant. Otherwise, just shut the fuck up.