The Liberal Democrat's Perpetual Crisis

So Labour's won a by-election. Fuck-a-doodle-doo. It's only a seat that they've had since 1997 - which is also the year when this particular constituency was created. Honestly, you crazy labour types - you're going to have to do better than this at the next General Election if you want to win back Number 10.

But what amuses me is the Lib Dem response to this by-election defeat (man alive, Elwyn Watkins must be massively tired and hacked off by now). We have had Nick Clegg attempting to achieve great new things in the realm of platitudes by noting that "it's a challenging time for Liberal Democrats". Well yes, yes it is. For the first time ever, you have political power. And it hasn't been as easy as it looked to be when you were carping from the sidelines, eh?

But then again, when haven't the Lib Dems been facing challenging times? The drop in support owing to their coalition with the Tories is only the latest in a long line of crises. In fact, since the Ginger Drunk resigned, they've had nothing but crisis after crisis. There was the post-Kennedy leadership debacle contest that ended with the election of the least charismatic man in history as Lib Dem leader. The fall of Ming the Merciful so soon after his election allowed the party to choose Nick Clegg as their new leader. And, lest we forget, Clegg said and did nothing as Lib Dem leader until he was allowed to debate with the big boys (well, both Brown and Cameron are a little portly) on TV. And as a result, his party was lucky not to lose a large proportion of their seats at the last election; any chance of a breakthrough was simply hype.

Pretty much since the Ginger Drunk jumped on a populist bandwagon by (quite rightly, in retrospect) opposing the Iraq War, the Lib Dems have been in crisis. So these may be challenging times for Britain's perennial third party, but that is nothing new for that party. They've lurched from crisis to crisis for the past few years like a political version of Gordon Brittas; this election result is nothing more than business as usual for the ever amateurish Lib Dems.

Ming Campbell, PI

Presumably because all the real politicians are busy doing whatever the hell they do to kill time before they retire/lose an election, there's an interesting choice to head up the investigation into the Damian Green fiasco:

Sir Menzies Campbell is to chair an inquiry into the police raid on the Commons office of Tory MP Damian Green.

The former Lib Dem leader will review how the Commons authorities deal with search requests from the police.

So, the least charismatic politician since Michael Foot - a man so wet he couldn't even lead the wettest party in British Politics - is now heading up an investigation into the police. Unless he suddenly grows a spine, I think it is pretty safe to say that this won't be the most demanding or rigorous of investigations. Even with the likes of Howard and Blunkett - both mentalist ex-Home Secretaries - won't be able to compensate for the stuttering old man in charge of the inquiry. 

Governments can, of course, cripple these sort of investigations through a process of slow attrition. Clearly the government can't be bothered to do that in this case. Instead, they've hobbled this inquiry from the outset by putting a man who is just not up to the job in charge. As far as I can see, Ming the Merciful in charge is just one step away from not bothering in the first place. 

The Easiest/Worst/Dullest Job In UK Politics (delete as applicable)

With Calamity Clegg seriously making some Liberal Democrats wondering why on earth they ditched the old fool or didn't vote for the ghastly twat, I'm tempted to wonder who* would want to become the Liberal Democrat leader.

See, if you became the Tory leader at the moment, you would pretty much be guaranteed the keys to Number 10 Downing Street at the next election. If you successfully challenged Gordon Brown at the moment, you would at least be PM until the next election. Not great, but you will still get a stint as PM. However, being Liberal Democrat leader allows you to do nothing more than lead the party that exists for no other reason that for those who can't make up their minds between the damn near identical Tories and Nu Labour.

Likewise, there is a certain drama to be Labour or Tory leader. You get the chance (IDS excluded) of fighting elections and/or making a real impact. And most tenures as a leader of one of the main two parties takes on a slightly Shakesperian quality as they come to an end, with former allies turning on their leader in a bout of undignified, self-destructive yet faintly satisfying regicide. As Liberal Democrat elections, you are allowed to participate in elections rather like the wheezy fat kid is allowed to participate in playground games - because the big kids have to let you play. You can achieve precisely fuck all. And you can cling to the position until you either get utterly bored of it, or the party realises that you drink about the same as Oliver Reed, or the party realises you appear to have died several years ago.

And there isn't any real joy to be gained in leading the members of your party. The Liberal Democrats are an uneasy union of tofu-eating enviromentalists, indecisive middle class lefties and beared, sweaty geography teachers. Leading them will never be easy - it is managing a selection of fragile, flaccid egos.

All of the above really does make me wonder why anyone would want to lead the Liberal Democrats. But I guess that it is kind of an easy job. You know you are never going to be Prime Minister, and therefore never have to have workable policies. You know you can go into any General Election, and no matter what you do you will still come third. In a lot of jobs, the pressure comes from striving to succeed. As Leader of the Liberal Democrats, you are relieved of that pressure because failure is pretty much an essential of the job.

Given that Nick Clegg has not only failed to differentiate himself from Cameron and Brown but also Ming the Merciful, there will be some Liberal Democrats who will be calling for his head. But I ask those Liberal Democrats to leave poor Cleggy alone. Yes, he's a bit shit. But in that respect he is perfect for your party. He is a political non-entity, unable to go anywhere. And as such, he is pretty much the personification of the Liberal Democrats.

*Except for Huhne, who seems to covet the Liberal Democrat leadership like it was a nubile young lady or a bar of gold rather than something that you would normally see floating in a toilet bowl.

All change? No change.

It has just occurred to me, whilst reading yet again about how this is the first US election in decades where no incumbent President or Vice-President is contesting it, that the next election here in the UK (whenever the one eyed git deigns to allow it) will also be something of a first, at least for a good few years. Because not one of those people heading up the three main parties has fought an election as party leader before. You have to go right back to 1979 to find a similar scenario.

And it is tempting to look back to 1979 and hope that we will see a similar, radical change to British politics. After all, in 1979 we had an incompetent former Labour Chancellor who had become Prime Minister in the wake of the resignation of a much more popular, electable and eloquent Labour leader. That former Chancellor had postponed an election, thus sealing the fate of his government. In 2008, we have the same scenario - it is just the name of the PM has changed.

However, that (sadly) is where the similarity ends. Because whilst the fall of Ming Campbell does bring a smile to my jaundiced, cynical lips, it is nowhere near as dramatic as the fall of Jeremy Thorpe. But even more strikingly you have the difference in Tory leaders. In 1979, the Tory leader was a woman of conviction, who had radical ideas on how to improve the UK. In 2008 the Tories are being led by a man who seems to be happy to be called the "heir to Blair", when we all know that such a tag should be sending any self respecting Tory to the car with a length of hosepipe and some gaffer tape.

Would it be too much to hope for that with such a massive change in the leadership of the main parties in the UK that there would be a similar massive change in the policies of those parties? Sadly, in the Britain of 2008, the answer is "yes."

Time to change leaders?

Apparently Cameron's reshuffle does not reflect panic about Brown's slight upturn in the polls and the slanging match over grammar schools. Well, no shit, Sherlock. I don't like the guy and frequently disagree with him, but actually he's not doing too badly. Brown was always going to get a bounce in the polls when he got into Number 10, and there was always going to be a Shadow Cabinet reshuffle to reflect what happened in the real Cabinet. Like him or not, Cameron is safe where he is despite Brown becoming PM, despite grammar school debates and despite defections.

It is the Liberal Democrats who should be looking at their leader with a view to change.

I mean, seriously, where is the Minger? No-one has heard from him in ages. If IDS was the "quiet man" then Ming the Merciful is the "silent man." Brown ascends to PM, and the Tories lose one point in the polls. The Lib Dems lose three. He was supposed to be a safe pair of hands, but he is doing worse than the permanently pissed up Charlie boy.

Of course, Labour and the Tories aren't going to point out how bad Ming is. This is a dream come true for them - the Minger means that the Lib Dems are not so much going to fail to make progress at the next General Election as struggle to contest it at all. Ming has made them an irrelevance, and an irrelevant Liberal Democrat party means more seats for Labour and the Tories. Forget the Lib Dems trying to collect Tory scalps at the next General Election - they'll be too busy protecting their own.

The best thing the Lib Dems could do now is depose Ming. But they seem to be stuck in some sort of stupor - unable to do anything as their leader is unable to lead them. And without the jibes of the Tories and Labour, the Lib Dems are sleepwalking their way to catastrophe at the next election.

Dropping Your Pants With Unseemly Haste

I know that kissing the arse of a departing Prime Minister when they finally resign or get booted is not unprecedented. One of my first political memories is watching the news just after Thatcher decided not to contest the second round of the Tory leadership contest back in 1990. And who were the first two people on the news, praising her? Neil Kinnock, the Opposition leader, who had been trying to depose her for years and Michael Hesletine, the man who had just deposed her. Gushing, hypocritical praise from those who opposed her.

But Blair's sendoff defies precedent and sickens me as a result. A standing ovation in the Commons for the man? I'm sorry, but what? Blair is good at one thing, and one thing alone - winning elections. If this skill made you a good Prime Minister, then he would have been on of the best. But as he has proved, being a good election winner does not mean you will be a good PM.

And listen to what Cameron has to say:

"On behalf of everyone on these benches, can I congratulate him on his remarkable achievement of being prime minister for 10 years. For all of the heated battles across this dispatch box, for 13 years he has led his party; for 10 years he has led our country, and no-one can be in any doubt in terms of the huge efforts he has made in terms of public service... "He has considerable achievements to his credit, whether it is peace in Northern Ireland, whether it is his work in the developing world which I know will endure."

That's not a member of Blair's family, circle of friends or even party. It is the Tory leader. But Ming the Merciful is not going to allow himself to be left behind in the arse kissing stakes:

"...in relation to our personal dealings, he has been unfailingly courteous and I would like to express my gratitude to him for that. As he leaves office, may I, on behalf of my colleagues, extend our very best wishes to him and his family."

Remember, these guys are the opposition. Although you wouldn't have been able to tell this yesterday. Nick Robinson nicely links this behaviour with The Thick of It on his blog - Blair is no longer a threat, so now he gets praised like a hero.

Well, I'm sorry but no. No, no, no, no, no. Blair resigning does not make a blind bit of fucking difference. I am not going to change my opinion because he has buggered off into the distance, like a second rate cowboy in a cheap as shit Western. The truth remains the same.

Tony Blair is a tosser. Always has been, and always will be.

Bitch-slapping Brown

It is quite funny when an incoming Labour Prime Minister sees such a tremendous lack of talent amongst Labour MPs that he has to turn to failed, former Liberal Democrat leaders to make up the numbers in his Cabinet.

It is even funnier when that Liberal Democrat turns to that incoming Labour Prime Minister, and politely tells him to fuck right off.

Nick Robinson describes the move in this way:

"What is clear though is that an audacious and high stake political gambit has, in the end, come to nothing."

Not quite, Nick. The gambit has come to something - a massive embarrassment for Brown. Yep, the Liberal Demoracts, under the least charismatic leader of any political party since Michael Foot, have managed to bitch-slap Brown already.

Well done, Gordo - you've managed to fuck up before you've even made into Number 10.

Local Election Results...

...were a little difficult to get excited about.

Labour took a kicking because most people now realise that they are a bunch of incapable, mendacious shites. The Tories did well because most people now realise that Nu Labour are a bunch of incapable, mendacious shites. The Lib Dems, under the non-leadership of Ming the Merciful Campbell, are stuck in a state of limbo and cannot even offer themselves as a decent protest vote anymore. And the minor parties (UKIP, Greens et al) remain precisely that - minor parties.

In fact, the results of this year's local elections are not unlike the results from last year.

Anyone really interested in UK politics could almost ignore this year's elections are a repetition of last year's elections. British politics hasn't moved on - we are still stuck in a state of nothingness as we trudge through the arse end of the Blair regime.

It is the next few months and years when things will start happening again. Blair will go - probably resigning next week. And Brown will take over, barring some sort of miracle. Then the questions start - can Brown defy expectation and actually reverse the decline of the Labour party? Will Cameron actually add some policies to back up the PR? Will the Lib Dems realise Campbell was a mistake and ditch him? And can any of the minor parties exploit the frustrations with the growing consensus between the major parties and challenge the status quo?

From now on things will get interesting; ignore the Local Elections of 2007 as the anti-climax they most definitely were.

Comedy Genius

Here - Ming the Merciful's speech to the Lib Dem conference will include the wonderful lines:

"My objective is nothing less than to complete the transformation of the Lib Dems from a party of opposition into a party of government."

Brilliant! That makes me laugh so much I could wet myself! And my objective, Ming, is to win the Lottery. Much more likely to happen that your mongrel party of perverts and pious prigs achieving notable electoral success in this country. Give it up, go and retire to Brighton, and take your hoard of pseudo-socialists with you.

Dear Christ, he's at it again.

Sir Ian Blair, that is. The only man, aside from the EU Jaguar Mountain and Ming the Merciful, who can make his namesake, our dear leader, appeared poised, in control and charismatic. For Sir Ian has said that here in London, we can leave our doors open for the first time in 25 years.

I'm sorry, what? What in the name of all that is holy is this walking lobotomy talking about now?

Christ on a trike, Ian, I live in Westminster - one of the poshest areas of London. In fact, my residence is not that far from your offices in *New* Scotland Yard. This area is filled with PCSO's, armed officers and general beat police. I would argue that, owing to the massive police presence, this is one of the safest areas in London. Much more so than Haringey - at least according to the people I know who live there. And do I leave my front door open? Do I bollocks. The door to my flat is double-locked when it is not occupied. And that is typical of just about everyone I know who lives in this area and this city.

I don't know what planet you are on, Sir Ian. And I don't know what you are trying to achieve with these idiotic comments. But Jesus, man, you are supposed to be in charge of the Met when there is an unprecendented level of terrorist threats to this city (and to this country). I suggest that you shut up and get on with your job of leading the Met, rather than spouting off about some weird pipe dream.

Slight Return (Charles Kennedy)

It says something about the leadership of Ming "The Merciful" Campbell that a poll suggests only 26% of people think he is a good leader.

And it says something about the calibre of the MPs in the Liberal Democrats that 53% of people believe their best option is the alcoholic the Lib Dems off-loaded in January.

Rum, Sodomy and the Libs

Charlie Kennedy is not ruling himself out of becoming Liberal Leader again. Sorry, Charles, but I don't think it is going to happen. Surely even the Lib Dems wouldn't elect a known drunk as a leader? I mean, it looks as if we will have a nuclear deterrent for the forseeable future, and the last thing we need is a Prime Minister with their finger shaking on the button.

But the idea of Charlie returning to power after resigning, like a Labour Minister seeking a second chance, made me think. With all the disgraced/damaged Liberals through history, you could have quite a Shadow Cabinet:

- Jeremy Thorpe, Home Affairs Spokesperson
- Mark Oaten, Health Spokesperson, with a special brief for dealing with prostitution
- Jenny Tonge, Foreign Affairs Spokesperson
- Simon Hughes, Shadow Minister for Inclusion
- Maundy Gregory, Constitutional Affairs

Not bad going, eh? I mean, Charles Kennedy leading a man accused of murder, a coprophiliac, a sympathiser with suicide bombers, a bi-sexual who also appears to be homophobic and a man imprisoned for selling peerages would be a team that makes even the current Labour cabinet look effective and capable.

Poor Old Ming

Emphasis on the "Old", obviously.

100 days as Liberal leader and to say things aren't going too well.

But I suppose we expect too much. He didn't so much win the Leadership Election as not lose it - mainly as he was up against a balding customer of rent boys, a man who lied about his sexuality and someone who nobody has ever heard of. The choice was terrible, but it is now clear that Ming is a caretaker leader who may not even make it to the next election.

Bless 'im, but it would make more sense if he was claiming his pension rather than leading a political party.