The Daily Mash makes sense - makes more sense, anyway, than most media outlets and most politicians - on the subject of banks:

Julian Cook, from Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "I will cheerfully give a weeks' wages to the first internet Paxman complaining about our bonus system that can even vaguely explain what it is we do for a living.

"Bob Diamond earned his bonus by maximising Barclay's equity differential market by a factor of six whilst ensuring their contingent capital base stayed under 2.3% Or have I just made all of that up? You haven't the faintest idea, have you?"

And, more importantly:

But Cook stressed: "Arsing off about the capitalist system is rather like a fish complaining about the preponderance of water in its life.

"Unless,of course, you're somehow venting your dreary, uninformed fury on the internet via a computer made from twigs by a worker's collective.

"And complaining that bankers are obsessed with making money is like saying lions are obsessed with eating gazelles.

"Perhaps you'd prefer us to sit around weaving fair trade wicker baskets and then use the profits from that to lend you cheap money so you can buy all those things you simply have to have."

He added: "We could try communism but then Bob Diamond would earn millions from being in the politburo, only you'd know nothing about it because the newspaper
has just the one story and it's about how fucking great your community tractor is.

"You could try complaining, just like you are now, but then someone who works for Bob Diamond would shoot you in the face."

Well, quite.

Cablegate Boredom

Yet more genius from The Daily Mash:

Meanwhile, Julian Cook, professor of international news stories at Reading University, explained: "Everyone that America has been spying on would have already assumed that America was spying on them and if they didn't then they are even more cretinous than these leaks confirm them to be."

He added: "Nevertheless, the point about Wikileaks undermining the safety of soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan would have some validity, if only it wasn't such a humongous vat of liquidised monkey-shit from start to finish.

"Because -and you might want to write this down and keep it somewhere safe - the key thingthat has undermined the safety of soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan is them firing their big fucking guns at Iraqis and Afghans.

"And of course that is usually on the orders of weasely little inadequates with penis issues who like to keep everything secret in a bid to make their imaginary cocks even bigger."

Can't fault any of that. And I'm not going to comment on "cablegate" or whatever the chuff it is called because, quite frankly, I don't give a fuck. The idea that diplomats might say shitty things behind the backs of other people when they believe it to be on confidence is not a news story in any way, shape or form.

The Mash on the Graduate Tax

I've got a lot to say on Vince Cable's new, and utterly moronic, idea for a graduate tax, but it will have to wait until I've got a bit more time to put my thoughts in order. In the meantime, I'll send you in the direction of this article on The Daily Mash, and in particular this quotation:

"It is a central tenet of Liberal Democrat philosophy that the harder you work, the more tax you should pay."

As Homer Simpson might say, it's funny 'cos it's true.

The Daily Mash's take on the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is spot on in its analysis of why oil is pumped:

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Oil companies aren't pumping this stuff just so they can have it sitting around in buckets under their stairs.

"They pump it because you want it. And what's more, you don't particularly want to pay for it, thereby ensuring it gets pumped in a dangerous and haphazard way - much like a Friday night skank on a playground swing."

They even manage to have a quick pop at George Monbiot:

Professor Brubaker explained that oil is used in some form by virtually every human being on the planet and that even George Monbiot is currently writing one of his absurdly childish articles on a laptop computer that could not possibly exist without it.

Excellent stuff!

Skeletor's Tribute to Brown

Skeletor has entered the Labour leadership race, and has paid tribute to Gordon Brown:

"As a seven-foot pile of bright blue muscles and a fleshless face, I also know what it's like to be regarded as a bit weird.

"But I do know that unlike Gordon I can connect with ordinary working class people, because - if you really think about it - they're pure evil too."

Actually, I think Skeletor would be a good Labour leadership candidate. He's much more charismatic than both of the Milibands and Andy Burham put together, and he's far less evil that Ed Balls. Plus, more people have heard of him than of Diane Abbott...

The Death of Music

The Daily Mash on the re-release of the always execrable Three Lions:

Tom Logan, from Reading University, said: "Popular music has been dealt many potentially fatal blows over the years - Buddy Holly's death, the break-up of The Beatles, 'H' leaving Steps.

"But the bestial union of a lumpen, terrace dirge, shouted by some of the most unforgivable celebrities a vindictive gene pool could create, is like standing over a stricken, rabid animal with an automatic pistol and then sending it straight to hell."

As always, the article is worth reading in full...

The Daily Mash has some sage campaigning advice for the Tories:

Pundits say the election contest will be the closest and most hard fought since 1992, unless the Tories abandon their existing strategy and just put up thousands of posters everywhere saying 'Ed Balls'.

Warning voters about the dangers of another five years of Ed Balls. Yes, that would probably galvanise large swathes of the electorate to flock towards the Tories...

Pink Floyd and Padding

Apparently, Pink Floyd have just won a court case against their record company. The Floyd didn’t want their albums split up (and their contract enforces this request). The BBC reports:

Earlier this week, Robert Howe QC, appearing for the group, said the the band's deal with EMI stipulated that their "seamless" albums should not be split up and that they "wanted to retain artistic control”.

Now, I’m a big fan of Pink Floyd, but I can’t help but think that The Daily Mash’s caustic take on the case is more than a little relevant. See, the main reason why the ‘Floyd’s albums are seamless is because there are no real gaps between tracks on their records. And it is also safe to say that there are some tracks that, if they can’t quite be dismissed as pure padding, then are at least less memorable that the true Floydian classics.

In a sense, it also makes business sense to sell the albums as a whole, if only for the sake of people coming to Pink Floyd with no idea about what to expect from the band. I mean, if a newbie to the world of ‘Floyd finds “Time” or “Comfortably Numb”, they’ll be coming back. However, if they find “On the Run”, “Get Your Filthy Hands Off My Desert” or, good God help us, “Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave Grooving with a Pict”, then they are going to end up wondering what all the fuss was about and probably won’t be coming back for more…

Harsh satire, but ultimately fair:

NOEL Edmonds' wife was being questioned by police last night over why she has failed to smother him in his sleep.

Liz Edmonds admitted during a radio interview that despite the viewing public's prolonged suffering, she has always resisted the temptation to crush 300 aspirin and mix them into his Cheerios.

I, of course, would have substituted Jamie Oliver for Noel Edmonds, but there we go...

Mmm... failure

From The Daily Mash:

THE Labour Party has combined the essence of disappointment, inertia and broken promises in a unique sauce that voters can add to their food.

This has the ring of truth about it. After all, if there is any area of expertise left for the Labour party, then it would be around issues of disappointment, inertia and broken promises.

Battering Berlusconi

Of course, I wouldn't want to condone any act of violence, but sometimes the implements used to commit acts of violence are eye-opening to say the least:

The PM, 73, suffered a broken nose, two broken teeth and a cut lip after being hit with a model of Milan cathedral following a rally in the city.

The emphasis is mine, because I cannot figure out why a model of Milan cathedral was used. I mean, you could argue that it was the first thing that came to hand, but it is a model of Milan cathedral. Presumably, even in Milan, these aren't lying around in the street on the off-chance that someone wants to lob one at Berlusconi. Which implies a level or premeditation - that the attacker thought about what he wanted to use to batter Berlusconi, and settled on a model cathedral. Rather than more traditional implements, such as a brick. It does beg the question of "why?"

Still, The Daily Mash has a far more pertinent question - namely, what are we going to throw at Brown?

The Daily Mash and the Microsoft Black Screen of Death

Not for the first time, The Daily Mash nails it:

"MICROSOFT have admitted that some users of its new Windows 7 operating system have been confronted with the dreaded 'Black Screen of Paying £200 for Something That Doesn't Work'.

Users say the 'Black Screen of Falling For This Shit Again' appears shortly after start-up, followed by a ghostly image of Bill Gates cackling like a loon."

See, I can be smug as I own a Mac. Now, I'm not one of those gushing Mac-head types who salivates in an almost sexual way at the very sight of an Apple machine. I certainly don't use a Mac to make some sort of statement about how fashionable I am*. However, I will say this about Macs - they are easier to use, and you don't have to go through the regular Microsoft gauntlets of buying more software that not only works in an entirely different way to the last version, but also fucks with your computer and leaves you with a very expensive looking black screen with zero functionality.

There is nothing great about Apple except in comparison to Microsoft, and this is the genius of Apple. Their unique selling point truly is that their machines are easier to use and more reliable than their main competitor's. They have a business plan that is audacious in its simplicity and efficacy - they are less shit than Microsoft.

*Anyone who has ever met me will know that I am neither fashionable nor unfashionable. I exist in a parallel universe where fashion just does not exist. All such concerns happen to other people; I am just not aware of fashion.

The Mash Nails The Mail

A t-shirt available to buy:

As Homer Simpson might say, it's funny because it's true.

Quote of the Day

From The Daily Mash:

Meanwhile Gordon Brown... said it was always his plan to reduce the Labour vote to 15% and leave Britain with £1.4 trillion worth of debt and a couple of fascists in the European Parliament.

It really is funny because it is (sorry, appears to be) true...

The Daily Mash "quotes" Gordon Brown:

At any point I could have stepped in and made the necessary changes that would at least have protected the UK, what with me being chancellor of the exchequer and everything. But then I thought 'where's the fun in that?'. I was watching that new Batman film the other night and there's a bit where Michael Caine - he plays the butler - says that 'some men aren't looking for anything logical, some men just want to watch the world burn'. That's me, that is.

The above is, of course, fiction. It reflects reality, but Gordon would never be that honest about things...

On the current economic crisis

From the ever amusing Daily Mash:

Julian Cook, chief economist at Corbett and Barker, said: "The government will give your money to the banks so the banks can start lending you that money, probably at around 7% APR. Thanks to all the interest you're paying on your own money, the banks will make billions of pounds again and normality will be restored. After a few years of this the government will cash in the bank shares it bought with your money and use the profits to build a huge fucking dome somewhere." He added: "In case you hadn't already worked it out - the entire global financial system is predicated on the assumption that you're an idiot."

I'm not saying it is fact, but there is a certain ring of truth to it...