Image of the Day

Image of the Day

This article, which spoofs religion, intelligent design and Richard Dawkins while coming up with new comical euphemisms about breasts and bums, is an testament to the ongoing genius of The Daily Mash.

Slightly surprised to find, in my spam folder this morning, an e-mail from long dead philosopher Socrates. Very surprised and slightly disappointed to see he'd written to me about Viagra.

Still, this does open up a whole range of new careers for long dead philosophers. I look forward to Aristotle offering Discount Pharmacy products, Kant offering Hot College Chicks and Hegel offering me the chance to share in the estate of a dead UN operative who left unclaimed millions in their untimely demise in a plane crash.

"I owe my life to smoking"

The Daily Mash makes sense - makes more sense, anyway, than most media outlets and most politicians - on the subject of banks:

Julian Cook, from Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "I will cheerfully give a weeks' wages to the first internet Paxman complaining about our bonus system that can even vaguely explain what it is we do for a living.

"Bob Diamond earned his bonus by maximising Barclay's equity differential market by a factor of six whilst ensuring their contingent capital base stayed under 2.3% Or have I just made all of that up? You haven't the faintest idea, have you?"

And, more importantly:

But Cook stressed: "Arsing off about the capitalist system is rather like a fish complaining about the preponderance of water in its life.

"Unless,of course, you're somehow venting your dreary, uninformed fury on the internet via a computer made from twigs by a worker's collective.

"And complaining that bankers are obsessed with making money is like saying lions are obsessed with eating gazelles.

"Perhaps you'd prefer us to sit around weaving fair trade wicker baskets and then use the profits from that to lend you cheap money so you can buy all those things you simply have to have."

He added: "We could try communism but then Bob Diamond would earn millions from being in the politburo, only you'd know nothing about it because the newspaper
has just the one story and it's about how fucking great your community tractor is.

"You could try complaining, just like you are now, but then someone who works for Bob Diamond would shoot you in the face."

Well, quite.

An Open Letter to Recruitment Consultants

Dear Recruitment Consultants of the World,

I know you have to work hard in order to make your job adverts stand out from the crowd, and sometimes a quirky title can help to achieve that. But, as a professionally qualified candidate, I do feel I should warn you that, more often than not, a quirky advert title makes you stand out for all the wrong reasons.

For example, IMMEDIATE START!!! is useless, because it tells me nothing about the job, other than it starts immediately. Of course, it could be the perfect job for me, or it could be flipping burgers in a fast-food restaurant. The point is I don’t know, and when other recruiters actually take the time to tell me what they are advertising, the chances are I am going to click on their adverts rather than your one. The same goes for DO YOU HATE YOUR CURRENT JOB!?! Well, yes, thanks for asking; but there’s nothing in your advert title to make me think that I might like the job you’ve got on any more than my current one. Likewise, DO YOU WANT TO HAVE FUN AT WORK AGAIN? as a title will get the answer “yes”, but still tells me precisely nothing about what the job is. My idea of fun may be very different from your idea of fun, and I’m reluctant to waste valuable seconds of my life clicking on your job advert to compare our differing conceptions of having a good time at work.

My point is this; if you want to someone like me to click on one of your adverts, then I need to see what the job title is. If there is no indication of what the job is, then I’m going to wonder why. And I’m going to wonder what is so bad about the role you’re recruiting for that you have to hide it behind a banal, sorry quirky, ad title. Put simply, these sort of shit titles might work well if you’re looking for slack-jawed chuggers to financially molest people on the streets of Britain, but for any job with just a little bit more professionalism and to attract candidates who conduct themselves with just a little bit more dignity than the chugging scum, you need to come up with an ad title that is more professional and more informative.

Best,
The Nameless Libertarian.

While I struggle to write something coherent about student protests, I'll leave my beloved readers with this - the ever awesome attempt to sell perhaps the worst idea for a film ever. Enjoy.

Inflatable "Weapons"

While hardly original, there is a certain genius to this idea:

The Russian military has come up with an inventive way to deceive the enemy and save money at the same time: inflatable weapons.

They look just like real ones: they are easy to transport and quick to deploy.

You name it, the Russian army is blowing it up: from pretend tanks to entire radar stations.

I think we should to the same with our military capacity. Forget replacing Trident with anything meaningful - instead let's go with a fleet of ersatz nuclear submarines. I mean, what could possibly go wrong with that plan?

How to turn Where's Wally into a nightmare, by Werner Herzog

The Evolution of Avatar

Ed v. David

Brilliant:

Ed Miliband will stand for the Labour leadership, the BBC has learned... Ed said he had thought long and hard about standing against his older sibling, while David earlier insisted "brotherly love will survive".

There we have it - thus far, the best, most ambitious people that the Labour party has to offer as a potential leader are two of the least credible siblings since the Chuckle Brothers.

Perhaps, rather than having a debate, they could have an arm-wrestle. Or maybe a race. I don't know what they'll decide on, but those cheeky wee scamps had better be nice to each other, or Mother Miliband will come and smack the backs of their legs!

The Daily Mail Song

Presented in tribute to The Daily Mail Tendency, a genius idea consistently undermined by my own lethargy and indolence.

In a piece of work that can only be described as absolute genius, I give you the Doctor's Facebook page.

Enjoy!

On Christmas Shopping

As the big day draws ever closer and people move into what could best be described as an unseemly retail frenzy, I thought that I, as former retailer*, would offer some thoughts on the subject of Christmas shopping.

1. Last Minute Christmas Shopping.

So, it is nearly Christmas, and so far you have managed to buy basically nothing for anyone other than yourself. However, you've noticed that other people have bought presents for you and have taken the time to send them to you. You feel a little bit guilty, and dread the sort of abuse and barely concealed disdain that you are going to get from your friends and family unless you pull your finger out and get some presents. Which means going out shopping during the last days (or day) before Christmas.

Yes, it is going to be unpleasant. In fact, it is going to look a lot like the Hobbesian state of nature out there in the retail world just before Christmas. And there is nothing you can do about that. Sorry, but you're basically fucked. You're going to have to endure the sort of trial that is worthy of the malign imagination of the Old Testament God. The best thing you can do is not whine about how awful it is. That way, you can save valuable energy that can be channelled into more important tasks, like aggressively barging into total strangers and knocking over toddlers in your desperate attempt to get some presents and then get the hell back to civilisation, ASAP.

Of course, there is something you can do to avoid this endurance test in future years. See, here's the trick. Christmas is on the same date every year. This means that you can plan for it. Seriously, plan ahead! Give it a go! You might find it works very well for you. And as part of that planning ahead, you might try shopping online. This is perhaps the best innovation of modern times. You can everything you need without having to get off your fat ass and leaving the comfort of your home. Sure, it won't stop the crowds at Christmas, but it will help to make sure that you are not part of those crowds.

2. Food Shopping.

I was always incredulous about how much people buy for Christmas. Sure, you want to have a nice meal and not run out of stuff, but seriously, people, the shops are only closed for a couple of days! In fact, a lot of stores now open on Boxing Day. You could, if you were so inclined, find some sort of Costcutter that was even open on Christmas Day. The message is simple - buy what you need. Don't buy as if Christmas is actually the End of Days, since all that is happening is a brief holiday for retailers. Not the collapse of civilisation as we know it.

And again, with pre-Christmas food shopping, a little forward planning is not a bad thing. There is no point in turning up on Christmas Eve at 4:30pm at your local supermarket, and demanding both a turkey and a loaf of bread. The supermarket is unlikely to have any - come the 27th, no-one is going to give the first fuck about turkey, so that would simply be dead space on the shelves. And any bread left over - or produce for that matter - is going to be only fit for the bin by the time the doors of the shop reopen. So yeah, the supermarket will be running down its stocks of fresh produce and Christmas related items. If you want a full supermarket and oodles of choice, go shopping now. Or at the very latest, first thing on Christmas Eve. Because come closing time, they're going to have the very definition of a limited choice...

*Albeit one who hated retail and resented customers.

A Letter to myself at 16...

DK has tagged me - to write a letter to my 16 year old self. Which I will do, even though my past self will never get to read the letter. Bloody Royal Mail - they just don't seem able to send letter across time and space. Hell, they struggle with sending letter across space. It will be a long time before they can manage time travel.

Anyway, here's what I'd say to the younger me - someone who turned 16 in 1995, and was attending Rugby School:

Hello ****,

This is your future self speaking. Don't worry, you haven't gone mad. And, at the age of 30, you still remain sane. In a manner of speaking. Rest assured, I am not going to offer you any real advice. Mainly because I know you wouldn't take it. In fact, even at the age of 30 you will find that you still aren't great at taking advice. But at least, in 14 years time, you will find you have the self-awareness to realise that.

Instead of giving advice, I'll offer some observations of what life is like now based on what you/I wanted from life back in the mid-nineties.

Politics: you'll find you were right to choose to do an A-level in Comparative Politics. In fact, politics will be your undergraduate degree. And throughout your time in the "real world" you will be interested in it, and - on occasion - active in it. It should be no surprise that when you go back into academia, your chosen area of study is political theory. Of course, you don't end up as a politician, but seriously, given the hallmarks of that profession are compromise and toadying up to people you have no respect for, did you ever think you could have a career in politics? And don't worry too much if you flit from political allegiance to political allegiance. Go with your instincts - that government should be both cheap and small, and that people achieve their best without perpetual state intervention - and you will find the right ideology for yourself in due course.

Music: guess what? You don't become a rock star. I know, seems to crazy to you right now, but your inability to sing and your refusal to learn to play a musical instrument really do kill any chances of a musical career. You remain a music fan, though. The bands change a bit, but you remain an indie kid. You'll find that you start to like music that you couldn't stand at school. Including REM and Pink Floyd. You even learn not to hate all Blur songs. But don't worry, you were right about Oasis. They are oik rock. And you never, ever grow to like them.

Writing: you write at the moment. For fun. Which most people think it is weird. Well, that won't really change - both the fact that you write, and that (some) people think it is weird. After a while, you will work out how to do it reasonably well. You will also find a medium (which will be introduced to you by a loquacious Welshman whose secret identity is an Easter Island monument - no, really) where you can publish your thoughts on a daily basis. And, believe it or not, people will actually read those thoughts. If you ever manage to pull your finger out and edit some of the creative stuff you have written, then you might be onto something with the writing lark. But, in 2009, that remains something for the future.

Professional life: I can't stop you choosing two different careers that you are entirely unsuited for. And I probably wouldn't stop you, even if I could. Because you make some money from those careers, make some great friends and learn how the real world works outside of the rarified atmosphere of a public school followed by a red-brick university. As much as it pains me to write this, don't go straight into academia after you leave university. You need to live in the "real world" for a bit. It will teach you a lot of important things, and make you a better - and more effective - person when you decide that the "real world" is best left to other people and you run away from it. If you want to make your various jobs a little more bearable, then don't get so hung up on them. Don't make them the centre of your life, especially if you hate them. But you won't actually manage that until about... 2007.

Personal life: I won't lie to you, this ends up being all over the place for a number of years. Some of those experiences are fun, some of them most definitely are not. But it ends up just fine. No, I can't tell you who is the love of your life. I really can't - because of the wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey nature of reality. If you want a clue, that girl who joins in the Sixth Form and who you really fancy, well, it turns out she does like you too. But that's all I can say. Rest assured, when it happens, it will be awesome.

That's it from me, really. A couple of final points from the future: don't worry, Doctor Who does come back*. And it is tremendous. Although, to date, you have neither written for the series, nor been the star. You will also find you live in very different parts of the UK over the next 14 years, and also develop a fear of flying. But I won't tell you anything else. Lest I ruin the surprise.

Best of luck,

The Nameless Libertarian**

* Ignore Paul McGann. He proves to be the very definition of a false start.

**This will make sense in the future. Promise.

I'm not going to tag anyone. The 16 year old in me would hate myself if I did...

A New Campaign for the Christmas No. 1 Slot

For those of you who are cynical about the (increasingly dubious) attempts to make Rage Against The Machine Christmas No. 1, I give you an alternative. Yes, Half Man Half Biscuit are making a bid for the Christmas No. 1 slot (or, at least, the No. 2 slot) with their song "It's Clichéd to be Cynical at Christmas."

Of course, it one were to be a little bit cynical as we move into the festive season, then one would probably dismiss this as one of the most shameless examples of bandwagon jumping seen in a long while. But that's not really getting in the spirit of things. No, in order to show that I am fully bought into this latest craze for making anything other than The X Factor single Christmas No. 1, I'm going to launch my own campaign. Yes, pop pickers, I want to see The Ramones' festive toe-tapper "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)" as our Christmas No. 1. Join my campaign, buy the track*, set up the Facebook Group** and help us make an obscure track by an under-rated band Christmas No. 1!

*It is on i-Tunes.

**Because I lack both the time and the inclination to do so.

Quote of the Day - A Nu Labour Mission Statement

An extract from a post at Wonko's World years ago that, to this day, reads not as satire, but an actual mission statement for the Nu Labour government:

Besides which we just can’t help but meddle, interfere, impose our views on others, and generally use taxpayers resources in ways that are wasteful except in our own self-aggrandisement.

Link via an e-mail from the Moai.

Crime of the Century!

The scripts for Harry Enfield's new comedy series have been stolen:

Ideas and material for a new series of Harry Enfield's comedy show with Paul Whitehouse have been stolen from a car.

The thoughts for his Harry & Paul show, to be shown on BBC Two next year, were contained on a laptop computer taken in Notting Hill, west London.

You never know what you might get when you lift a laptop - bank details, addresses and phone numbers, porn. Yet these stupid fucks ended up with the scripts for a Harry Enfield TV programme - something arguably worth less than soiled underwear. Not that it stopped them from having a go at making some money from this crime:

The thieves later phoned Enfield demanding £750 for the return of the computer, which he refused to pay, according to the Mail on Sunday.

£750? That much? My, that's mightily ambitious. They could probably get £50 for the laptop. But I struggle to see anyone - even the man himself - paying £700 for Harry Enfield's latest scripts. After all, he hasn't really said or done anything funny this millennium. They'd have been better off trying to steal the car radio.

A BBC spokeswoman said: "Filming doesn't start for another six months. There were only early thoughts on the laptop and not actual scripts, so it won't impact on filming for the series."

That's a shame. That's a real shame. Just goes to show no good will come from this particular crime. It can't even postpone the filming and broadcast of Enfield's latest *comedy* show...

The Wire, Midsomer Murders, and the Nu Labour Journalists Who Will Print Anything

This story makes me laugh. A lot. So many journalists so easily fooled by a basic hoax. One wonders what Recess Monkey wanted to achieve with this; I guess he has shown that left-wing journalists will print anything if they think it embarrasses the Tories. Although quite why he would want to show that is beyond me.

Guido details some of the reasons why no journalist should have been caught out by this story:

The fake press release was riddled with clues – the British spelling, the jokey references and of course the copyright notice at the bottom (R Monkee Esq).

For me, though, the clearest clue is in the choice of programme. Midsomer Murders. Does anyone really believe that the Mayor of Baltimore - who has real problems of her own - sits at home watching that pile of sub Agatha Christie trash? It is a massive leap of faith to believe that she knows or cares what the Shadow Home Secretary of the United Kingdom thinks about her town. That she should care enough about Grayling's comments to research John Nettles' post Bergerac career should stretch credulity well beyond breaking point.