Alistair Darling:

"I don't think it would do any good to let this process drag on. I understand that the Liberals and the Conservatives are engaged in talks today, I hope by the end of today they will decide whether they can do a deal or not."

So do I, Darling. And I really hope that they do a deal that shafts you and your party utterly.

Yet it turns out that the Liberal Democrats have also met with Labour in secret. The plot thickens. I only hope that the plot isn't thickening into a tragic farce where Nick "Change" Clegg ends up backing the party of no change, in the form of this vile and utterly discredited Labour administration...

An Open Letter to the Chancellor

Dear Alistair Darling,

Having noted the number of tax rises in your last budget, I'd be very grateful if you could go fuck yourself, you arrogant, incompetent, thieving arsehole.

Best,

The Nameless Libertarian

The Last Budget

As always, there is much speculation about what might be contained within the budget. I'll leave that speculation to those people who now more about it than me - which is probably most people. However, I'd like to point out just one thing: come hell or high water, this is Darling's last budget. If Labour lose the next election, then it will most probably be the Boy George delivering our next budget. If Labour win the next election, then Darling will be replaced (particularly after his "forces of hell" tirade). You could almost argue that today represents a little piece of history - the last budget of Alistair Darling. Of course, in order to argue that convincingly, you'd have to make the case for Darling actually being a historical figure. Unfortunately, he is a sock-puppet for his evil overlord in No.10. But still, take a moment to consider that this will be Darling's last budget before he is consigned to the historical oblivion that awaits all crap awful Chancellors...

The Forces of Hell!

So, it turns out that Gordon Brown was nasty to Alistair Darling. I particularly like the hyperbole of "unleashing the forces of hell" - it speaks volumes about the privileged position of Mr Darling that getting a weekend of negative press is on a par with hell. God knows how he will cope when he (hopefully) loses his job at the next election. That will probably be hell... x1000!

The notion that Brown bullied his Chancellor can surely not be news to anyone right now. But what really strikes me is how strongly Brown's cowardice comes through in this story. He unleashed the forces of hell on the Chancellor, strongly implying that a lot of his concerted campaign to undermine Darling was delegated to others. Then he didn't follow through with his bullying - Darling kept his job. It makes Brown's actions even more pathetic. He comes across as a frustrated man venting said frustrations on his colleague. Nothing quite so dramatic as the forces of hell, but rather just a boss from hell.

And there is a certain genius to Darling's comment - it ensures his job is secure for a while yet. Brown the coward will not dare to remove Darling, for fear that it confirms what we all already know - that Brown is a bully. Which is ironic since Darling should arguably be sacked now given the amount of embarrassment he has just caused Brown at a time when Brown is floundering anyway...

Budget 2009: A Summary

The budget in one word: craptacular.

To summarise it, Darling basically said he is going to pillage the purses and the wallets of everyone in the country to allow him to spend massive piles of cash whilst also borrowing eye-wateringly large amounts of money. True, that sounds like a lot of other Nu Labour budgets. But this time out the figures were much, much higher. And this time it was just brazen; there was no attempt to hide in anyway that his is a tax, spend and borrow budget.

Darling, and his evil overlord Brown, have shown us that they are numerically dyslexic morons with no concept that the actions they take now are going to have crippling affects on the country later down the line. We'll be talking about this budget for a while yet; we'll be suffering from it for a lot longer.

Liveblogging the Budget, 2009

We're fucked.

*ends*

Darling: Cutting Spending.

The Budget is coming, and the BBC is reporting that it will have £15 billion in spending cuts. You might expect that someone like myself, who is not a fan of government spending and believes it should be cut at every opportunity, would support this. And I do. I'll concede that it is a step in the right direction.

The problem is that this is a small step in the right direction. In fact, it is a tiny step in the right direction. Baby's first, faltering step in the right direction. If said baby is lethargic, lazy and really unwilling to start walking.

Sure, £15 billion sounds like a lot. Until you compare it with minimum of £50 billion (read that again, the minimum) that the government has spunked away on propping up failed banks. So the government may be cutting spending by £15 billion, but that still leaves a deficit of £35 billion (again, as a minimum) to cover. And that is just the money wasted on the banks, which is, in itself, a small amount compared to the overall government spend. £15 billion is a drop in the ocean.

And given the government has spent a great deal more than it planned to, where do we think it is going to find the money to cover this additional spend? I'm guessing, dear reader, that the cash will be coming from me and thee. Keep your eyes peeled in this budget for stealth taxes. And even if we don't see tax rises in this budget, they are coming. Maybe in the next Labour budgetary outing, or maybe the sneaky shits really will leave it to the Tories to have to raise taxes in their first budget. Whatever their plan is, be warned: unless there are substantial spending cuts, your tax bill is going to go up. And up.

Besides, this grudging announcement of grudging spending cuts actually flies in the face of government policy, which was that we were going to spend our way out of the recession. So one day we are increasing spending, the next day we are cutting it. This is not just lacking a coherent policy for the government, this is unthinking insanity from the government - a desperate attempt to grab headlines without thinking about any overall policy. Joined up government my arse. It is difficult enough for strategic thinking, intelligent MPs to come up with decent policies. Panicked ministers making up contradictory policies on the spur of the moment is a recipe for disaster.

Despite all this, I will applaud these cuts. So listen very carefully, and you can hear the sound of that applause. It is the sound of one hand clapping.

*Acting* Against the Expenses Exploiters

Gordon Brown – who, lest we forget, was all for action over expenses a few weeks ago – on the whole expenses row now:

Questioned at a summit he is attending with other EU leaders Mr Brown said: "I think over the last few days the world has made sufficient advances in how we can deal with the economy, how we can deal with terrorism, how we can deal with security and these are the issues I am concentrating on. All these other issues are being dealt with by the Committee on Standards in Public Life".

Harriet Harman on the expenses row:

"Gordon Brown has asked for an independent review and we will be taking action soon," she said.

Anyone clock the slight contradiction in what they are saying? Yep, Gordo wrote a letter and has now lost interest. Harman believes that they will be taking action very soon. It really does appear that Harman and Brown don’t bother speaking too each other anymore. Because Brown lost interest in this fucking fiasco after he wrote a letter. Harman is banging on about it like it is a crucial, imminent policy for the fucking Labour government. They can’t even get their fucking story straight amongst the members of the Cabinet – how the ruddy fuck would they ever be able to come up with a coherent plan for the nation?

The truth is obvious to anyone with even half a brain cell. Labour aren’t planning to do anything about expenses – it would cost their MPs too much financially. Brown, Harman et al aren’t going to do anything other than dissemble in the hope that all will go away. But I don’t think that is going to happen. This issue is going to be on the agenda for a good long time yet. And with each new scandal – particularly since this troughing goes right up to the pigging Chancellor – the anger is going to increase.

And I really, really hope it does. Because it is only when the anger goes into overdrive that we will really see the general public kicking back against the devious, truculent porcine thieves who *serve* in the House of Commons.

The Unplanned Economy

Part of me wants to rant against the increasingly planned nature of the UK economy, what with the claims that unless the banks go back to offering the lending rates of previous years then they could, according to Mervyn King, end up being nationalised:

“…wholesale nationalisation” of the banks, he replied: “In time of financial crisis, it would be a very serious error to rule out measures which may ultimately prove necessary. It would be an extremely brave person who ruled anything out. It wouldn't be our first option, but remember: the Government now has a majority holding of shares in more than one bank. The United States has just acquired a very significant stake in Citibank, the biggest bank in the world.”

So many different comments to make based on that. The US does own a significant stake in Citibank – but just because they do doesn’t mean we have to do the same thing. And what impact do we think the government threatening bank nationalisation have on the share prices of the affected banks? Is the government purposely want to depress the share value of the nation’s banks? Actually, the answer to that might be yes – they seem hell bent on taking control of as much of the financial sector as is possible.

But this is the whole nonsense of the government position. Yes, they can take control of banks to force them to continue lending at the sort of rates that caused this economic downturn, and that the market is now naturally correcting. But that will not solve the problem. This is a natural economic downturn. Boom and bust is part of the way markets work – the government should look to lessen the worst impacts of this downturn, but it cannot prop up an unsustainable boom. This is moving towards the sort of planned economies that worked *so* well in the old Soviet Union.

Yet can we honestly say that our increasingly government controlled economy is really planned? The debacle over VAT shows that there is very little planning actually happening. The government economic strategy could best be described as scattergun. A coherent, focussed approach to help the economy just does not enter into their approach. The government is frantically throwing ideas against the wall, in the hope that some of them will stick. A charitable description might be to describe the government approach as improvisation; a harsher yet more realistic description would be destructively arbitrary.

The economic situation in this country at the moment is dire. We have a government taking control of private institutions at the same time as showing just how little economic capability or understanding they actually have. We have the unplanned economy – an economy increasingly controlled by a government that is utterly out of control.

*That* Rescue Plan

And, as banks throughout the world failed and floundered, the nation looked for a new sort of hero. The right type of man for the situation. Some sort of true hero for difficult, trying and testing times. And at the point, from a dark corner in Downing Street, the least likely hero stepped forward. A shrivelled, contorted angry shadow of a man came blinking into the media lights, his wallet bulging, and he gurned his face into something vaguely resembling an arrogant smile. And he started to spend the money in his wallet, believing this was the way to save the banks, and therefore the market, and therefore the nation, and therefore the world.

And so, Generous, Gallant Gordon was born.

You could be forgiven for reading some of the headlines over the weekend and coming away with the thought that Gordon Brown has pretty much – single handed – stopped the crisis currently gripping the financial sector. The truth is somewhat different. This plan is nowhere near as philanthropic as it first appears. Which is hardly surprising, given it comes from one of the most controlling British governments in recent history. It also might not end up being as good as it first appears for Gordon, although the vast majority of this country don’t care anymore if Gordo suffers a wee bit. And finally, it really isn’t the perfect reason for further state control, despite the ramblings of the likes of The Guardian and its *columnists*.

The Plan

Here’s how it works. The government offers a shed load of cash for struggling banks to prop up their balance sheets. Therefore the banks don’t go out of business. Magic. Crisis averted?

Well, maybe, but there are a couple of points I’d raise at this point. First of all, let’s be clear on this. This is taxpayer’s money being spent on the banks. This is your money. The government is essentially being superficially philanthropic with your cash. Some people will favour the government using billions of our money, others won’t. But let’s be very clear on this. It is your money being spent here.

And whilst the government is pretty dumb, it is not quite dumb enough to go into what is effectively a business deal without gaining some sort of concessions from the banks in question. So they will gain shares in those banks, and will also gain influence. Over what those banks do, over whom they employ, and over how much those employees get paid. The banking market is already highly regulated; this plan is allowing the government to buy an even larger stake in the financial sector.

You can argue that the government had to take some action to shore up British banks. However, don’t be naïve about what this plan means. Effectively the government has taken a substantial amount of your money and bought itself a large stake in the banking markets. For anyone who questions the efficacy of the government at the best of times, this will be a deeply concerning move.

The Impact on Gordon

With the likes of Polly Toynbee rushing to hug Brown again, you can probably forgive our Prime Minister (at least a little bit) for feeling quite smug this morning. He is playing up to the Labour loyalists with this plan, and is earning gushing praise from Old Labour. But after weeks of being about a popular as a leper at a child’s swimming pool with everyone in the country, Gordo is probably relieved to be getting praise from some sections of Britain. However, his attempts to buy a large stake in a number of banks with someone else’s money may yet come back to haunt him. Here are (come of the) reasons why:

1. Banking decisions: The government will win influence in the banks it helps to subsidise. Which means that, even if they don’t have an impact on the day to day lending decisions that the banks make, there will be a perception that those banks’ decisions are made in tandem with the government. So when the man on the Clapham omnibus doesn’t get his mortgage, or his loan, or to get to open a new bank account, he will not just be railing against the bank, but also the Brown.
2. The anti-bonus rhetoric: So, when the government buys a stake in a bank, there won’t be any bonuses paid. Some would argue that this is fair enough. But only some people within those banks will be responsible for the decisions that have put their institutions on the government breadline. Which means that those working for the banks part owned by the government will suddenly be being paid one hell of a lot less than those who aren’t partially in government employ (and therefore can still offer bonuses). The problem should be immediately obvious – talented people within the banking industry (who let’s face it don’t work for love of the job, but for the cold, hard cash) will go where it is most profitable. Which means that as government buy into banks in this country, they may well be forcing the best of people in their banks into the employ of the competition. And sending talent to the competition never makes business sense.

3. Taking the flak for the good times: Gordon has been very quick to criticise the banks now the shit has hit the fan. But for many years, the banks took risks and paid out big bonuses. Their lending decisions kept the property market afloat, and the economy booming. The bonuses paid out helped shore up the coffers of the Treasury. All of these elements, now being declaimed by the government as a “bad thing”, were either ignored or tacitly condoned by the government for over a decade. And who was the Chancellor in those years? Let me consult my Ladybird book of Chancellors… hang on… hang on… just skipping past the badger Chancellor… hang on…. oh, wait, it was Gordon Brown. Gordon maybe right to legislate and regulate now… but where was he when the seeds of this banking crisis were being sewn? Oh, he was loving the revenues and the economic boom, and wallowing in the fortunes heading in the direction of the Treasury like a pig wallowing in seven different shades of shit. Gordon had better be careful that none of his newfound cheerleaders scrutinises the causes of the crisis too much, lest they work out he is partially responsible as well.

Finally, I’d love to hear where the billions being spent to support the banks are actually coming from. As far as I was aware the government doesn’t have tens of billions of pounds hanging around in bank accounts, waiting to be spent. So, Gordo, where does the money come from? It will be less than popular if it becomes clear that the money is going to come from crucial government projects. It is going to be about as easy to swallow as cyanide if it becomes clear that taxes will have to go up to pay for this rescue plan.

Intervention isn’t the answer

There will be left-wingers crowing on for quite some time about how the government had to step in to rescue part of the private sector, and how such interventions could and should be the future. The reality is somewhat different.

The government has bought itself a massive stake in a number of previously much more autonomous organisations. The government has bought itself a massive stake in private organisations that were struggling. There is no evidence that this part-nationalisation will lead to an increase in profitability for the organisations in question, and no evidence that it will be that easy for the government to recover its money. In fact, government run organisations if anything tend to be less efficient (and therefore less profitable). Left wingers hoping that this government share grab is going to make the case for more government acquisitions in the private sector may end up being very disappointed. Historical precedent would suggest that this is not going to make the case for government intervention, but rather illustrate just how much money the government can waste when it sticks its oar into the private sector.

Ultimately, we need to be very clear on what this rescue plan is and what it means. It is a power grab by the government into the financial services sector using taxpayer’s money. It is going to mean an increase of regulation and government intervention into a sector already struggling to stay afloat. There is no real evidence that this rescue plan will save those organisations who take advantage of it, or make those organisations more efficient and profitable. Rather, this feels like an oppressive and draconian move by an increasingly socialist government to buy influence in a sector it fundamentally dislikes. It is like a doctor trying to remove an ingrown toenail by lopping off the patient’s foot. I don’t know how this rescue plan will end up playing out; I do know there is a lot to be concerned about as billions of pounds worth of our money is being spent like it is going out of fashion.

Gordon isn’t a saviour – he wasn’t when he was Chancellor, he hasn’t been whilst he's been Prime Minister, and he certainly isn’t now. The fanfare around this rescue plan shouldn’t disguise the fact that there is no guarantee of qualitative success, or that this plan will make financial and political sense for those who have paid for it (yep, you and me) in the future.

Talking Seven Shades of Shite

This is, believe it or not, Alastair Darling talking about Gordon Brown:

"I have every confidence in Gordon Brown. I believe he is the right person to lead this country and to lead our party and I know that at the conference next week he will set out his vision for the future."

Now, I thought Gordo's reason for not holding an election last year was so he could spell out his vision for the future. A year on, and the vision thing still isn't happening. And I can't be alone in maybe thinking that Brown doesn't have a vision for the future. I can't be alone in thinking that Brown has nothing going round in his mind other than blind panic. Which should be evident to anyone who is not deaf, dumb, blind, stupid or a member of the Labour Cabinet.

But that is not my main point. Rather, I am wondering precisely what Darling hopes to achieve by spouting this half baked shite at the nation? I know he is fucking stupid - he is a Nu Labour minister, so it is pretty much a pre-requisite for his job. But I can't believe that he is so stupid that he really believes this empty rhetoric that is spewing from his mouth like tramp sick. And surely he can't think that he is going to convice anyone. Darling is the most compromised of politicians - pretty much ever knows that he is a cross between a puppet chacellor and an incompetent dick head. He can't think that anyone is really going to listen to him, and if they do, actually heed his advice.

And why is he doing this? Why stand up and spout these lies at the media and at the people? Does he think it will help him to keep his job? That ain't ever going to happen - rather like his boss, Darling's removal from office is a case of when, now, not if. The best I can think is that this is some sort of loyalty - a deeply misguided, utterly insane version of loyalty. But if it is down to loyalty, Darling needs to learn that loyalty is only a virtue if you are being loyal to something that is actually worth it. And Gordon Brown, most certainly, is not worth it.

Darling, and all the other minister currently running to the aid of the floundering PM during this increasingly impotent looking coup, should give up and try a different tactic. They should hold up their hands and admit they made a mistake with Gordon. They should just be honest, and say their choice of PM was a fuck up and they are sorry. Because anything else - and in particular this absolute nonsense fucking loyalty to a man who is about as popular and useful as syphilis, is patronising and deceitful. They know Brown is a cunt, we know Brown is a cunt. Please can we all stop pretending, kick the fucking cock out of office, and just move on?

Cassandra Darling, Chancellor of the Exchequer

So, in a rare burst of temporary honesty, our Chancellor has noted what is absolutely fucking obvious to everyone else not encased in the blinding forcefield that is the Westminster Village; namely, that the economy is utterly fucked. Well done Darling, you skunk faced cunt bag, you have managed to tell the truth. Which is just smashing. It comes to something when we have to praise politicians for telling the truth.

But what, precisely, are Nu Labour going to do about the the current economic freefall? It is all very well having the Chancellor sounding off like Jim Jones just before the kool-aid gets poured, but it means nothing if there is no plan to actually help to remedy the situation. So what the ruddy fuck are Nu Labour going to do about it?

Oh, they're going to have an internal row about it. Just smashing. And ideas like making Ed fucking Balls, a man with all the charm and personality of a particularly irate spree killer, Chancellor of the Exchequer are not so much running salt in the wounds of the economy, but rather rubbing hydrochloric acid into the weeping economic sores.

Nu Labour fiddle, the economy burns.

The Stamp Duty Farce

Fresh from his guest star billing at the Angry Baby Man's blog, The Moai has sent a couple of interesting links to me. To quote one of them:

'..Estate agents suggested yesterday that buyers might step away from sales amid the uncertainty over stamp duty, stalling the market between now and when any such decision is taken, which could be as late as October...'

The Moai says: It astonishes me that, through dithering, GB's govt is making things even worse, even when they try to help.... can they get ANYTHING right?

Any regular readers will know my answer to that question. No.

But seriously, just how fucking dumb is this government and the badger faced turd who represents it? I posted yesterday about how this policy probably won't work - now it becomes clear that not only might it not work, but it is actually fucking up the very market it is trying to help. Fuck me, how fucking stupid is that?

To say this government is incompetent is a massive, massive understatement. They are the shittest government in living memory; the very definition of utter crap. We would literally be better off with having a brain dead person as Chancellor. A brain dead person cannot, by very definition, do anything. Whereas Darling can - and with his inverted Midas touch, everything he goes near turns to absolute shite.

So a plea to Darling, and Brown, and any other cockwad in the Cabinet who is thinking about announcing or implementing a policy - don't do it. In fact, don't do anything. Please, for the sake of the nation, stop doing stuff. Every time you do, it goes wrong. The country will be better off if you stagnate and literally don't do nothing.

And you'd probably be more popular if you do fuck all, as well.

Holiday Loyalty and Holiday Snaps

So, despite the muted opposition of Robin, the Boy Blunder, the vultures are being seen off by the support of perhaps the greatest politicians in the history of the world:

Alistair Darling, Harriet Harman and John Denham have declared their support for Gordon Brown.

At least Gordon can rely on the support of an incompetent, skunk faced cunt, a woman who if she was not able to define herself as a feminist would cease to exist altogether and a minor minister who no-one really gives a fuck about anyway. With supporters like these, who really needs enemies?

But I predict that the speculation about Brown will die down a bit. Mainly because everyone (at least in the political mainstream) is on holiday. And even Gordon Brown, perhaps the most incompetent politician in living memory, will struggle to fuck up whilst he doesn’t have to do anything. And consequently it will be far easier for Darling et al to support Brown whilst he can't actually fuck up. The speculation will begin again once he is back from holiday, and he gets to illustrate just what an uber-cunt he is on a daily (and sometimes hourly) basis.

However, even whilst on holiday, the Labour leader still manages to appear awkward and somehow almost inhuman. This is one of his holiday snaps:


I mean, seriously, who wanders around, by the water, wearing a grey jacket? Could he look anymore awkward? Could he look any less like he wants to be on holiday? Every photo that has been taken on Gordon Brown whilst he is on holiday seems to show him as a man who just can’t stop being formal. In everyone of his holiday snaps, he looks like the bastard offspring of Alan Partridge and Mr Bean. What is worse is that these snaps are clearly photo opportunities. Even when Brown stages the event, he still looks completely inhuman and out of place.

Compare those photos with young Hug A Husky Cameron’s:


Yes, he falls into the trap that all men who wear shorts fall into – he looks like a total tool. But at least he looks like a man on holiday, and a man who wants to be there. You get the impression Cameron likes being on holiday, and likes every now and again not having to work. You don’t get the same vibe from Brown – he looks like someone who has been forced to go on holiday, and is hating every second of it.

Which is Gordon Brown’s tragedy. He is a workaholic who is quite simply shit at his job. If the man wasn’t such an out and out tosser, I would almost feel sorry for him. But since he is a cunt of the highest order, I genuinely hope he has a miserable holiday and a miserable return to work. And until he stops burdening the country with his pasty white face and his egregious, misanthropic outlook, I hope every day is fucking misery for him.

A U-Turn? A fuck up...

The Chancellor has made some sweeping changes (a U-turn if you will) to compensate those who have been kicked in the balls by the abolition of the 10p tax rate. Basically, this most fucked over by it will get £120 a year to make them feel better.

Which is fair enough, really. It will compensate fully 80% of those affected by the changes, and compensate the remaining 20% by at least half. Oh happy days! At least for those involved.

Except there is a small problem. The 10p tax rate was scrapped to pay for a tax cut for others in the economic system. By spending £2.7 billion on compensating those stung by another tax cut, there is a black hole in the accounts of the nation. To the tune of £2.7 billion. Which rather begs the question "where is this money coming from?"

The answer is simple:

"Mr Darling... said the measures would be funded through borrowing so as not to take money out of the economy while it was slowing."

Magic. Let's borrow the money. Because an entity that cannot afford to meet existing commitments borrow more money to avoid making difficult decisions seems like a really sensible thing to do. Really fucking sensible. And in no way has that sort of logic created something like the credit crunch in the past.

The Chancellor is an economic retard.

Regrets, I've had a few

Generally speaking, I have very little time for regrets. There are very few situations in life that I think genuinely warrant the sort of self-pity that comes with regret. Those that do tend to revolve around those moments where you could, in retrospect, have done something great, but it just doesn't quite happen for you. Perhaps because you weren't ready, perhaps because you weren't prepared. I had one such moment today, and my regret is this. That I took a piss before walking home from work.

My walk home from work takes me past the Palaces of Westminster. Idyllic, you might say, especially on a warm spring day like today. Well, yes, I concede, but it can be fucking irritating too. Partly because of the tourists, who insist on stopping every time Big Ben chimes to take a photo (people, you can't hear the chimes on a photo!), but also because of our elected overlords, who are often aided from leaving the building by police officers holding the electorate back as their cars sweep from the Commons, taking with them MPs tired from a big day of fannying around creating needless legislation. Some might say that, as the servant of the people, the MPs should wait until the voters have crossed their driveway before they leave their place of work. I don't agree - the sooner we can get any MP away from the Commons the better, as it reduces their ability to make the aforementioned needless legislation. Plus, if they waited until the path was clear they'd be waiting for ever, what with the constant stream of tourists standing in the way of oncoming traffic to take photos of a sodding bell sodding chiming.

Today, my path was impeded by a car containing an MP. And it was none other than the badger faced cunt himself - Chancellor of the Exchequer Darling. And in the back seat there was a female MP. I think it might have been Harriet Harman, but I can't be sure. What little light that wasn't being sucked into the black holes that make up eyebrows of Darling was being reflected from his shiney hair into my eyes. But what a target for anyone who is a Nu Labour hater!

Imagine if I had not pissed before I left work. I could have pulled open my flies, and deluged the car with a stream of warm, foamy urine. Clever, witty political satire it wouldn't have been. However it would have been an accurate reflection on the status that I - and, I sense, a lot of other people in this country - hold our elected leaders in.

So, dear reader, if you too are a hater of this incumbent government, and are walking near Westminster, please don't make the same mistake as I made. Walk around that area with a full bladder. And then, when you have the chance to show the likes of Darling that you would only piss on them if they weren't on fire, you can rise to the occasion with gusto. Maybe enough people urinate on their vehicles as they pass, then the members of Brown's Cabinet might finally get the message that we really, really don't like them.

Bar Darling

A blogging campaign has been picked up by the national media. Mr Eugenides tells the full story of the attempts to have that badger faced bastard, Alistair Darling, barred from the nation's pubs.

I haven't thrown the inconsiderable weight of The Appalling Strangeness behind this campaign. I mean, I think the campaign is worthwhile, but I don't think it goes far enough. I'd like to start a campaign to have Darling, and his evil overlord, torn apart by a pack of wild dogs. But, whilst such a campaign might get some support, the mainstream media probably won't pick up on it. At least not until after the security services have picked up on it, anyway.

Still, nice to see that the media does pay some attention to what happens elsewhere on the internet. And hopefully Darling will find it tough to get a beer. At least, beer that isn't a can of Special Brew from the local Costcutter.

The Budget: God, I hate them

I didn’t live blog the budget. I struggle with the concept of live blogging. Partly because I think in the 24/7 news cycle in which we currently live there is enough commentary floating around to make my opinion absolutely irrelevant. Also because I have a very short attention span, and there is no way I could concentrate on anything for long enough to live blog it. And something as boring as Darling speaking is never going to hold my attention for more than 15 seconds, no matter how much his actual words wind me up.

So, another budget, another raft of tax increases. It really fucks me off that it is going to cost even more if you want to buy something alcoholic to drink. Just as it would really piss me off if I had to use a car to drive anywhere, and the government was fleecing me even more for the privilege. It really fucks me off that Darling bounces around the concept of spending the excess (and excessive) revenue on child poverty. What is interesting is that he uses child poverty as a catch all phrase – something he thinks we can’t argue against. But I want to know exactly how this money will be spent. I want to know how much the extra tax burden on anyone who fancies a pint or a glass of wine will be spent? How about a little transparency in your accounts, Darling, you skunk faced cunt?

But what really, really pissed me off about the budget was not Darling. Rather, it was Ed Balls. Balls managed to sum up everything that is wrong with this government. How? When Cameron commented on the "highest tax burden in history" Balls replied with "So what?" That is the mindset of the people in the cabinet. The money you earn is not your money. It is actually their money, and they have the right to take as much of it as they want. You can argue against it, scream that it is not right until you are blue in the face. But that is what they believe. And it ain’t going to change whilst total fucking arseholes like Ed Balls darken the corridors of power.

The Cost of the Rock

Our Chancellor has finally got around to nationalising the country's biggest liability - Northern Rock. It has been about as popular as a paedophile in the News of the World Headquarters, but I am not going to lambast Darling for this latest act of incompetence. After all, he is only obeying the orders of his evil overlord.

But a few things are worth commenting on. First of all, there were bids from the private sector to run Northern Rock. Now, far be it from me to suggest that those who run successful businesses are more capable of dealing with the Northern Rock fiasco that the badger faced cunt and the man who makes Droopy the Dog look like the Joker, but really... the government offers the best "value for money"? This government? The government that has taken pissing money away and turned it into an artform? That is just crass.

And this is just reverting to the policies of the post war Labour governments - if there is a problem, nationalise it! If there is a chance, nationalise it! And as it turns out, this was a sure fire way of getting Labour voted out of power and into opposition for the next 18 years. So maybe this wasn't such a bad government decision... Although the extent to which this is a government decision is open to question. After all, hasn't Vince Cable been calling for this course of action for ages? It really comes to something when the Labour PM is following not even the Lib Dem leader, but rather a former Acting Lib Dem leader*.

Finally, just how much has this cost us? And how much is it going to cost us before we, as a nation, get to sell this failed business back to the shareholders? I've no idea of either figure, but I would like to know. In fact, I would like to know on a daily basis. So how about this. How about someone with some technological ability creates a blog button or similar facility that counts, each and every day, how much we, as taxpayers, are expected to cunt away on Northern Rock? Like a less hysterical, and more fiscal, version of the hyperlinks to the Religion of Peace.

Because, rest assured, this is not nationalisation. This is you, the taxpayer, subsidising a failed business even more. And given Darling's announcement, we ain't going to stop paying for the Rock for a good long while now.

*And there is every chance that, when the history books are written, that Cable will be seen to have had more impact on national politics not just that both his predecessor and successor as Lib Dem leaders, but also than most of the empty suits who populate Brown's Cabinet. Darling included.

The End of the Line

As this government lurches from one embarrassing crisis to another, it is tempting to wonder just how Brown’s government has managed to go from the plaudits of the summer to resembling the stagnant, rump end of the Major years in such a short space of time. You could say it is simply circumstance, but that it not good enough. All politicians have to deal with negative and damaging events. The test of their mettle is how well they do that. And that is why Brown seems to be failing so abysmally.

It is not just Brown himself, although God knows the man has had the repugnant stink of angry failure around him for years. He is a dark figure in British politics – he looks not unlike a Labour version of Richard Nixon - haggard, bags under the eyes, jowly and angry at the world. He wallows in self delusion, drowning in a gloom caused by his own failings. He sees himself as a political genius, an expert at playing the political game. But like Nixon, he is a workmanlike politician at best, and is cursed with a deep cowardice that always drags him down at the very moment when he should be bold and when he could be carving out his niche as the conviction politician he so desperately wants to be. The real problem lies not just with the one-eyed git who is our PM, but also with the cadre of lacklustre fuckwits who provide Gordo with the iron ring that so detaches him from reality.

You sometimes hear the phrase, particularly from Nu Labour, that a political party who has been in power for a while needs to regenerate itself whilst in power. Now, translated from political doublespeak, it roughly means “the opinion polls have turned to shite, we don’t know why, and we don’t know what to do about it. So fuck it, we’ll acknowledge it without committing ourselves to any real course of action.” But there is some truth in any statement that the Labour government needs to attract some new talent. Because those at the very top of the government are not so much the bottom of the barrel, but rather the fetid bottom of a stagnant cesspool.

Take those in the Great Offices of State. Brown is in one. Enough said. Then take our foreign secretary: he is a geek who looks not just like he was bullied at school, but is actually still bullied today, in the Cabinet and everywhere else he goes. Our Home Secretary is such a non-entity that even now, after several months in the job, the focus of the media is on her cleavage rather than any policies or political actions. Say what you like about John Reid, but at least he gave you a reason to hate him. Smith just gives, and achieves, nothing. And finally, there is our Chancellor – a puppet Chancellor, a mouthpiece for Gordon Brown, and a man who will probably be remembered solely for looking like a cross between a man and a badger. These people are the best that the Labour party has to offer. These people are leading our government. I wouldn’t trust these people to lace their own shoes without several years of intense training. I overuse the phrase “Worthless Cunts” on this blog, but it perfectly sums up the muppets running our government at the moment.

And it comes at a time when the opposition parties are starting to figure out how to oppose again. Sure, I would rather douse myself with battery acid than actively support either the government or the two parties that make up the opposition, but at least the latter are starting to look credible. A look of the Tory front bench shows that there are the media savvy, the eloquent former leader, the intellectual and the bruising elder statesman. With the departure of Howard and the enforced exile of Clarke they have finally managed to escape the shadow if the Major years. Hell, they have even managed to find a role for the idiotic IDS. I still can’t stomach Cameron or the New Tories, but I do concede that they at least look like a future government now.

Even the Lib Dems, who I maintain are fundamentally pointless, have had the good sense to eject the desiccated Ming the Merciful. And regardless of whether it is Calamity Clegg or Hideous Huhne as their next leader, they will at least look more fresh and capable than the front bench. They have the strangely popular former leader, the youthful new leader (whichever one it ends up being), and some capable, some media savvy people coming through the ranks. I wouldn’t vote for them unless there was a gun to my head, but they look more of a credible proposition than the Labour cabinet.

Nu Labour is anything other than new now. It is tired, it is old, and there is nothing even resembling talent left in the upper ranks of the party. The Labour party have never been competent, but this is the real dregs of that incompetence.

With every new crisis, and against the opposition to the Brown administration, Nu Labour have come to resemble the over-flowing colostomy bag in desperate need of emptying – something that is full of crap and something that no-one wants to go near.