Gordon's Relaunch #5,067,215

Another month, another announcement of a relaunch for Gordon Brown. Man, I thought we were still implementing the last relaunch. And how many relaunches does one man need? There’s probably a whole industry to be built up here – relaunching Gordon Brown. Hundreds – if not thousands – could be employed as relaunch consultants, working hard on making the premier as loved again as he was when he first moved into Number 10; before people realised what an incompetent fuckwit he really is.

Still, this relaunch comes with some practical policies designed the save the failing UK Housing market:

Stamp duty on properties worth up to £250,000 could be suspended as part of an aid package for the housing market that will be central to Gordon Brown's attempt to relaunch his premiership this autumn.

Ministerial sources said the chief aim of any "payment holiday" would be to show the government was on the side of home buyers at a time when property values have slumped and sales stagnated.

Nice, good to know that the government is on the side of home buyers. Slightly worrying that things have deteriorated so much for this government that they have to clarify that they are on the side of the electorate, but there we go. And on paper this looks like a great policy, even though I doubt there has been any attempt by the government to cost it out. However, there is just one problem with this plan. Have you worked out what it is yet? Yep, the problem is the plan is bollocks.

Officials believe, however, that suspending the duty for up to 12 months is unlikely to reverse the housing slump, and may end up proving more symbolic than galvanising.

And how do we know this?

A similar move by John Major in the early 1990s did not have an impact, and did not halt falling property prices.

Great. So both officials and historical precedent show this plan does not work. And, thinking about it, why would it? Stamp duty is just one of the costs involved with moving. Yes, it is a fucking substantial one, but it is still just part of the huge cost of buying a home. And with banks very reluctant to lend money anymore, how exactly are people going to afford to put themselves in a position to need to pay stamp duty?

Furthermore, the economy as a whole seems resolutely fucked, meaning people are going to be less likely to splash out on expensive items like, you know, a new bastard house. The housing market will have to wait until people start to feel some confidence in the economy as a whole. And something that would help regaining that confidence in the economy would be a little less doom-mongering from Brown himself. On the one hand, he is encouraging us to buy property. On the other hand, he is telling us not to waste food because the apocalyptic food shortages. The message is, shall we say, a little “mixed.”

The housing market slipped out of control. It became a feeding frenzy, encouraged in no small measure by institutions offering loans that made little economic sense in the good times, and make no economic sense when the economy faltered.* The housing market will recover, but there is going to be some pain before it does so. And during that period, people will, most likely, stay put. No matter what the government does with stamp duty.

So Gordon’s relaunch is based around a policy that won’t work. Magic. I look forward to his next relaunch in a few weeks time. Which will probably be centred around a plan to find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

*And we are still bailing out one of those institutions. At a great personal cost to the taxpayer.