A Request...

...to Ron Paul supporters - please, please, please stop sending me shit about Ron Paul's money bombs. I don't have the cash to spare and even if I did I would spend it on candidates based in this country, not the US. And even if I did have the cash to spare and you'd got the right nation, I'd still be unlikely to give money to a candidate with practically no chance of winning.

Thanks.

Slightly surprised to find, in my spam folder this morning, an e-mail from long dead philosopher Socrates. Very surprised and slightly disappointed to see he'd written to me about Viagra.

Still, this does open up a whole range of new careers for long dead philosophers. I look forward to Aristotle offering Discount Pharmacy products, Kant offering Hot College Chicks and Hegel offering me the chance to share in the estate of a dead UN operative who left unclaimed millions in their untimely demise in a plane crash.

Spam Watch: Business Support Assistant

There's lots of spam out there, and an increasing amount of it focuses on job opportunities/offers. Some of it is really easy to spot; others, less so. Take a look at this one:

Good day,

Ok, not the best of starts. Few people will open an e-mail with this sort of greeting - even recruitment consultants will think twice about doing so.

Customer Services Assistant required to work within a team at an E-Commerce and retail business in United Kingdom.

This is quite credible; customer service opportunities are among the view opportunities out there at the moment in any real quantities. Although the title of the e-mail talks about it being a "Business Support Assistant" role, not a "Customer Service Assistant" role.

The International company recently opened some positions due to expansion of its business.

Which international company? Probably should read "An International company" there, but that could just be a typo.

This expansion means opening new branches, starting innovative projects and some online projects.

Again, sounds credible - although quite a wide and demanding brief for a customer service role.

We provide support and training during the trial period.

Well done you.

We have prepared a list of specialties we are interested in.

Again, top work.

Please send us your CV with detailed description of your skills and experience,and we will try to find the most suitable job for you.

But I thought the job was that of a customer service assistant?

We suggest that you start from the position of the assistant manager.

Hang on, I thought this was a customer service assistant position? That's a big promotion to assistant manager. Particularly when you consider it has happened across the space of one e-mail.

This is the first step in your career, but it allows you to learn all intricate details specific only to our work.

First step in a career... into an assistant manager position. And what international retail company honestly has intricate details specific only to their work? You sell stuff to customers, basically.

Job Location: UK and EU only (various locations, depending on our Customers' needs)

But I thought the role was there because of business growth in the UK? Blimey, though, this is a good position though - from customer service assistant in the UK to assistant manager on a pan-European level in just a few lines.

The job does not require any investments or upfront fees on your side.

Yeah, like fuck it doesn't. Just send 'em your bank details when they ask and see what no "upfront fees" actually means.

Monetary compensation for this position is based on experience and starts at GBP 2,000 per month.

Which is pretty good for an entry level position.

The requirements of an Management Associate/Sales Support Member position include, but are not limited to:

...note yet another couple of job titles thrown into the mix...

- Age 18 +
- Ambitiousness, high self motivation, responsibility and discipline.
- Communicative skills

Do we mean communication skills?

- You have a good working experience in MS Windows environment
- You have a positive attitude in fast-paced working

...what? Environment? world? Crazy parallel dream reality? What?

We will be happy to welcome you into our team of high qualified specialists.
We promise to make you a professional in your field.

Already a professional in my field, and slightly doubting you would be able to keep this promise anyway. Mainly because you don't seem to know what your own field actually is.

If you are interested, please reply to : Roy@online-colsulting.com with your CV

Think I'll pass, Roy. Just as I would with any real recruitment company that used e-mail addresses with just the first name in them. Or who couldn't spell the word "consulting"

It probably seems a little pointless to fisk a spam e-mail. But it is only really when you look hard at these types of e-mails that you actually see that they are contradictory bags of crap. If you were looking for a job and having to sift through potentially hundreds of e-mails, then you might miss the warning signs here. And end up having, at the very least, your time wasted.

And before anyone asks, no, I haven't been taken in by these sort of e-mails. My innate cynicism just won't allow it.

Peace Kipkalya has sent a message to my blogging e-mail account entitled THIS MESSAGE IS RESPECTFULLY YOURS. Clearly, he/she/it has a way to go before he/she/it becomes a decent spam artist...

Bullshit Spam

One of the great things about being signed up to various job-hunting sites is that you get sent all sorts of rubbish e-mail summaries telling you about jobs that you neither want, are qualified to do or in any way fit with what you’ve said you’re looking for. The other advantage is, of course, that you get a whole host of genuine spam. Like this example:

Hi Dear JobSeeker.
Only for the residents of the UK.
CSB Trust. Our company is engaged in payments automation. Our headquarters is situated in the USA but we have our individuals all over the world. We offer worldwide cash flow solutions for our pratners and their businesses. For the permanent access of our clients and for advancing of their facilities our company is looking for employees. We need diligent employees in each corner of the world.
For them we are offering great working conditions.
You want to be independent? You want to have a stable and high-paid work? Join us right now!
Job Location: UK Job type: Part-time Requirements: - Competent management of payments; - Ability to print and scan documents; - Available to work 2-3 hours per day; - Responsibility; - PC, Internet, E-mail advanced skills; Salary: GBP 20000 - GBP 40000 per annum. We pay cash daily!
If you are interested, please give your CV: info.csb.trust@gmx.co.uk
Please post, if you are eligible to live and work in the UK only and your documents aren't out of date.
Best regards

Something tells me that this isn’t a genuine job opportunity. The English is not so much broken as utterly fragmented – even for a company based in the USA. The concept of earning up to 40,000 a year for a couple of hours of work a day also doesn’t hang together. And I do like the fact that they have “pratners” as clients.

Then there’s the nonsense written in white at the bottom of their e-mail”

anthony and lucretia mott mrs davis yes and lucretia mottfully into effect it is impossible to believe that anythingtheir own affairs and his exampleus to suggest such a word as inconsistency fraternallyof god on cross and who is for hers no man worthy to tasteexcellency the governor general he sat right there whatpocket he set out for rochefort where dealers in substitutesof that it certainly required great force to make the deephis men you have heard that cadet and they walked to the carriage and allwas considering how to go downstairs thiscareer as a nation that such contempt was a later

No idea what that is meant to say or even represent. It sounds like a god-botherer on speed. Still, even that isn’t the biggest sign that this e-mail is just a pile of pointless shit. No, that would be the title:

Part-tisme jjob

Who, in all honesty, would not want a Part-tisme jjob?

An Open Letter to Viagra Retailers

Dear Viagra Spammers Retailers,

Please note that I have no need of your product, and that is unlikely to change no matter how many e-mails you fill my spam folder with. Rest assured, though, that if I do find I need any Viagra I'll contact you.

Best,
The Nameless Libertarian

Spam of the Day

Spam is fun. When it is really amateurish. Like this e-mail. "From" UPS. Apparently:

Unfortunately we were not able to deliver postal package you sent on October the 18st in time because the recipient's address is not correct.

Please print out the invoice copy attached and collect the package at our office

Your UPS

Ignoring the fact that I have never, ever used UPS, there are another couple of problems with this half arsed scam. Like the date: October the 18st? Do we mean 18th? Or that October is 18 stone? And why would the e-mail me if the recipient's address is not correct and then expect me to pick up the parcel at their office (for which there is no address)? Surely it would make more sense if UPS - who probably have some experience in the field of deliveries - asked for a clarification of the address?

But that is all nitpicking next to the most glorious of mistakes. Like the fact that the body of the e-mail talks about UPS, whilst the title line talks about Fedex Tracking N5421062126. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but UPS and FedEx are two different companies...

And then we have the e-mail address: From: United Parcel Service crispnessrlm7@rotis.com. Now, for some reason I'm pretty sure that UPS and/or FedEx don't use that e-mail address... So you'll have to forgive me, *crispness*, if I don't rush to open the document attached to your e-mail.

I got an e-mail from the Alliance & Leicester Bank:

For your security, we are sending this email to confirm changes made to your contact information in the Account User Profile. At your request, one or more of the following were changed: Address, Email, Day Phone, Evening Phone, If you did not make this request to change your Account User Profile,Click o the link below to update your Alliance & Leicester Internet Banking Accounts Profile.

Pretty fucking lucky they sent me this e-mail then. Although, the e-mail doesn't detail one quite fundamental change. Namely the fact that I opened an Alliance & Leicester account in the first place. I'm not a customer of the Alliance & Leicester, and never have been.

Wait... wait for one moment... you don't think... could it be possible spam, do you? Because, thinking about it, I'd have thought that the Alliance & Leicester would be able to spell. And use basic punctuation. Even the Worst Bank In The World (aka the Halifax) manages to spell correctly, even if they can't always account for where your money is.

Anyone who is a customer of the Alliance & Leicester and who read this blog, be aware of this very basic piece of would-be fraudulent spam. Although in fairness if you fall for it, you are pretty fucking dumb.

Spam of the Day

Was entitled, quite simply:

Bomb Her Womb With Your Huge Cannon.

Now, I've heard a lot of euphemisms for sex, but I have to confess that "womb bombing" is a new one, even for me...

Spam Update

I have a number of clever and witty posts circulating in my mind. However, writing those posts requires concentration and engaging my brain. And since I am on holiday this week, neither concentration or engaging my brain is on the agenda. But just to keep my two or three regular readers interested (or not as the case maybe) here's an update on what comes into my span folder and also what comes into my inbox, owing to the limitations of the spam filter on free e-mail accounts.

The top five for today:

Lambrecht ERDTMANN is offering me a "Huuge Penis" - so big, it seems, it makes him unable to spell.

Pearl Colbert is e-mailing about ROLEX at unbelievable prices! twfr vuoe d. You had me 'til the "twfr vuoe d", Pearl.

Jarrett Comer wishes to discuss Attitude of the Hero. Unfortunately I know very little about heroics, and what I do know I won't be sharing with random spammers.

Moises Cameron (presumably no relation to David Cameron) tells me to Express your masculinity better! Frankly, I think only my friends can comment on my masculinity (or lack thereof) - for me, it is a bit of an assumption for a stranger to judge my masculinity.

And finally we have the ludicrous enews@libdems.org.uk offering [Crime news] Latest News : 05/06/2008.

Lib Dems? Crime News? Where do they get this crazy crap from? All these mad spammers want is money. Mark my words, no good will come of giving the likes of the Liberal Democrats money...