The Year in Doctor Who

I was thinking of doing a countdown/reassessment of the Doctor Who episodes of the year, but my opinons haven't really changed and a simple countdown is pretty boring*. So instead I'm offering an overview of the Year in Who.

In terms of the main show, it was quite a year. In fact, I struggle to think of a season of Doctor Who that has ever been as consistently good as this one. There was only one real clunker, and even some of the filler episodes were minor classics in their own right. I mean, a few years ago the slots held by The Girl Who Waited and The God Complex were represented by the likes of Love and Monsters and Fear Her. And it is one of the filler episodes - one of the few not dominated in some way by the overall story arc - that wins my award for the best episode of the year - The Doctor's Wife was an incredible, moving and inventive episode of Doctor Who. I would love to see Neil Gaiman writing another episode on the future.

And there were some brilliant performances in this season. Karen Gillan deserves a lot of praise for The Girl Who Waited, which is a startling rejoinder to those critics who have commented that she is more there for her looks rather than her acting ability. Likewise, Let's Kill Hitler finally gave some great lines to Arthur Darvil, who has perfected his bemused everyman routine. It also allowed Alex Kingston to play a very different version of River Song. But the best performer of the season was the star. Matt Smith has shown his versatility across 2011, and his performance in A Good Man Goes To War showed his incredible range across just forty-five minutes. Watch the Colonel Runaway conversation for a restrained yet compelling anger from the Doctor. Or watch the scene when he realises that Madame Kovarian has actually stolen Melody from under his nose. This year has shown one of the most talented actors the show has ever had as its star at the very height of his powers.

We also got some great monsters this season. The dolls in Night Terrors might have been derivative. but they were very creepy. The Minotaur of The God Complex was also derivative but striking; the nightmare maze it inhabited has probably entered the psyche and the nightmares of many a child. But the Silence were the monsters of the year; it would be good to see more of them and fully explore what they are about.

But while almost everything was well in the parent show, the same can not be said for Doctor Who's various spin-offs. The Sarah Jane Adventures ended as it really had to, given the circumstances, but at least it ended on a high. The Curse of Clyde Langer was a great instalment of that show, and a story that puts to shame many of the stories in the parent show.

Torchwood may have ended, or it may be back. But if it does end, then it effectively committed suicide. Miracle Day was a bloated mess of a series - about 50% longer than it should have been, it was turgid, bloated nonsense that took an interesting premise and then did nothing with it across the course of circa ten hours. The sole truly interesting moment was when a character met a fiery end in the camps; aside from that, it was a colossal waste of time and a massive step back from the really rather good Children of Earth. As I say, I don't know whether this was the last series of Torchwood, but the truth is that they don't deserve another series even if they happen to get one.

And last but by no means least, any review of the year in the Doctor Who universe has to note that said universe lost two of its most important figures last year - Nicholas Courtney and Elisabeth Sladen. Short of the eleven actors who have played the lead role, it is difficult to think of any other actors who have been quite so important to the series. They deserved the accolades that made up their obituaries, and their deaths are deeply saddening. And their is a real poignancy in watching a story like Planet of the Spiders, and noting that the three protagonists are no longer with us. Rest in peace, Lis and Nick.

And what about next year? Well, we've got quite the wait until the good Doctor returns to our screens. When he does, we've been promised the tragic end to the story of the Ponds and a new friend for the Doctor. How will it end for the Ponds? I suspect that Moffat will stop short of killing them off, but I do think that there will be something very final about their departure. And the whole series is gearing up to the 50th anniversary and the fall of the eleventh - I suspect that either 2012 or 2013 will see the end of the Eleventh Doctor. So much to look forward to... even if it isn't coming for a while.

*Oh, alright, if you insists - here's the countdown:

14: The Curse of The Black Spot
13: The Rebel Flesh
12: Closing Time
11: Night Terrors
10: The Almost People
9: A Good Man Goes To War
8: Day of the Moon
7: The Impossible Astronaut
6: The Doctor, The Widow and the Wardrobe
5: The God Complex
4: The Girl Who Waited
3: Let's Kill Hitler
2: The Wedding of River Song
1: The Doctor's Wife

Doctor Who: The Doctor, The Widow and the Wardrobe

Well, quite simply that was the best Doctor Who Christmas special ever. It managed to take the different elements of a good Christmas story, and bind them together to create the sort of Christmas day television that grabs the imagination and consistently entertains without ever being too taxing for post-Christmas dinner viewing.
Sure, the story was loosely (and I mean very loosely) on the old C. S. Lewis story, taking some of its trappings from The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. But it was far less slavish in the following of its inspiration that last year's A Christmas Carol, and was all the better for it. This was a Doctor Who story - albeit one fuelled by a sense of fun than menace (but what else to expect for an episode being watched on Christmas Day?) through and through.

A key part of that sense of fun was down to Matt Smith - one of the most talented actors to ever take on the role of the Doctor. Yes, he can do angry; yes, he can provide an irascible Doctor as well as one steeped in the desire for destructive revenge. However, those readings of the Doctor were not present on Christmas Day - and quite right too. Madge's story was tragic enough without having an overbearing, angry Doctor to contend with. Yes, he was silly; but he needed to be silly to help Madge at her moment of heartbreak.

And Madge was a great "companion" for this story. She, rather than the Doctor, was the motive force that made it all work. Claire Skinner made you believe that she was a Stoic widow admirably trying to save Christmas for her two kids, and the moment when she began to tell her children that their father was dead was truly heartbreaking.

But her husband was actually still alive, I hear some of you cry. Wasn't that just a massive cop-out? Well, the story explained exactly what happened - it will be one of those twists that really works for some and doesn't for others. For me, it felt like it was properly plotted in to the whole story, rather than an RTD style "reset switch" solution to the story. Besides, did anyone really think that the crazy, silly, impossible Doctor would come into Madge's world at Christmas and not (help to) bring her husband back? I mean, maybe in a mid-season filler episode, but not in a special broadcast on Christmas Day. Yeah, it was a bit cheesy that she managed to save her husband but so what? That's Christmas for you.

So in short, we got another festive romp. And great, that's absolutely the way it should be. Yes, Doctor Who needs darkness, and menace. But not all the time. Every now and again, the Doctor should take time off to be a barmy caretaker making an impossibly brilliant house for two kids. And Christmas is the perfect time for doing it.

Paranormal Activity 3

Let's be honest about it, Paranormal Activity 2  - or Paranormal Inactivity as I prefer to call it - was poor. As any horror movie that focuses on spooky goings on involving a pool cleaner for much of the first third of its run time would inevitably be. It felt like a tired, overlong re-run of the far more effective first outing for what is now a film franchise. Therefore, the idea of Paranormal Activity 3 did not sound desperately appealing to me. Fortunately, the makers of that film - who also made the impressive mockumentary Catfish - worked out what they needed to do to get the franchise back on track. And they do it in two ways.

Firstly, they don't slavishly follow the original, but instead play with the audience's expectations. So rather than this all happening concurrently with the original film (as the first sequel sort of tried to do), PA3 is a genuine prequel. And that helps to create some fun with the format. Aside from the (at times OTT) eighties references, the film has to cope with the fact that technology was not as advanced in the eighties, so documenting a demonic haunting would not have been as easy as it is in that day and age. This leads to a lot of improvisation - including using a fan-mounted video camera, which in turn leads to some of the movie's most effective moments.

It also introduces ideas such as the demonic force not being the sole evil force with this movie - something perhaps forced on it by the "revelation" in the previous film about the cause of the demonic haunting, but also a hand it plays well. And it also bucks the trend of having the leading male character being a dick by having a genuinely likable protagonist in Dennis. It becomes far easier to watch a film - and care about the character's eventual brutal fate - if he is basically likable rather than a bit of a dick.

But above all it remembers to be scary. It does this simultaneously by offering cheap scares based on the characters' awareness of the cameras (the babysitter disappearing and then jumping out at the camera) but also by offering some genuine chills and some truly stressful scenes - in particular, the "bloody Mary" sequences followed by the child's chair been kicked across the bedroom or the moment when the ghost/demon cleans the kitchen, only to bring it all crashing down again. The film knows it needs to up the ante in terms of the scares and the same time as confound expectations; it manages to do both.

As with everything, it isn't flawless. Indeed, there are a couple of moments when I positively winced - such as when the camera recorded the dust falling on the demon in the aftermath of an earthquake. And the ever-present problems of the found footage genre were there (why are you still filming this? Why the hell do you have the foresight to record this stuff but not to turn on the fucking lights when something goes bang in the night?) However, overall, this was exactly what it should be - a clever, occasionally scary and witty horror film that can make you jump. If you want more than that, then look elsewhere. But if you want more than that, seeking out the third installment of a horror franchise is the wrong place to start.

The Sarah Jane Adventures: The Man Who Never Was

It would take a particularly sour person not to acknowledge that The Man Who Never Was as anything other than fantastically entertaining. It certainly brought a smile to my face as I watched a story that spoofed tablet computers, had James Dreyfus playing a human version of the Master (replete with middle-aged spread), created the portmanteau word Clani and has a surprisingly adult joke in response to the command (delivered by dog whistle, natch) "Grab Harrison's pen". The Skullions - a classic example of an alien species designed to look monstrous but who actually represent the good guys against the real humanoid monsters - also managed to be quite sweet in a strange way and added a certain poignancy to the story. Although, despite the overall humourous and energetic feel to the story, this one could not help but be poignant.

Because that's it for The Sarah Jane Adventures. There's no more. The show is gone. And not because it was struggling to be good, or struggling with the ratings. It wasn't cancelled. It is over because of the death of its star. And if the fact that Elisabeth Sladen may well have been dying as the recorded not just these two episodes but all the ones in this shortened season makes the whole even more poignant; not that you could tell from Sladen's performance, though. Sarah Jane Smith remains the same character she has throughout the whole series, and not just this season. Looking at her performance here - and the energy of her fellow actors and indeed the whole show - this doesn't feel like an ending. It feels like a series that can and should go on an on. It is tragic, really, that it can't.

Perhaps understandably, the show doesn't really stress the fact that is is the end. There is no The End of Time attempts at tear-jerking attempts here. Indeed it doesn't really feel like an ending; the final caption was "And the story goes on... forever". Of course, it can't. At least not on our screens. But it can in books, in fan fiction, and in the imagination of what I would imagine are thousands of children this show has inspired. And that's why, the ending, voiceover, caption and all, is pretty much perfect. It reminds me of the ending to Survival all those years ago; it references the fact that the show is over as a TV programme, but leaves the story open for those who might want to think about what happens next to Sarah Jane, Luke, Sky and the unrequited love (or at the very least affection combined with a healthy dose of attraction) between Clani. Good. Fine. That's the way it should be. The show is over; the story goes on.

Had you told me prior to seeing the first episode over half a decade ago that I would have noticed, let alone cared to the point of writing a slightly maudlin post about, the demise of this show I would have rolled my eyes at you. The very fact that I do care is tribute to the efforts not just Elisabeth Sladen, but to everyone involved in the show. They managed to turn a spin-off show into a classic in its own right. Good on all of you, and as it ends as a TV programme, here's to The Sarah Jane Adventures.

Doctor Who: The Wedding of River Song

Now, there are certain very dramatic things that a writer can do in their show. Killing off the lead character is certainly one. Especially if that happens in the opening episode of the series, swiftly followed by a slow countdown to that actually happening within the overall narrative. And the drama is only intensified if it is a lead character of a show that has been running for 48 years with that same lead character at the heart of it (albeit played by different actors of varying levels of talent). As openings go, the murder of the Doctor on the side of Lake Silencio is a pretty impressive way to open up a season of Doctor Who. It does also make the season finale very difficult to write, and to pull off in a way that will convince even just some of the viewers, let alone all of them. So, how did Moffat get on with it all, then?

First up, you have to admire the ambition of this episode. To create a universe of static time, where Area 52 is installed by the USA in a pyramid, where Churchill has become and remains Caesar (and spends at least some time dancing with Cleopatra), and where an unexpectedly alive Doctor is a bearded soothsayer imprisoned in the Tower of London requires a pretty hyperactive imagination. Of course, sometimes ambition doesn't quite pay off in Doctor Who - if only in terms of the realisation, as evidenced here by the hot-air balloon Minis flying across London at the start of this episode. They looked very cartoon-like; so much so that it was slightly distracting. Yeah, we know they are not real, but do they really have to look that unreal? But overall the attempt to create an alternate universe worked well forever existing in the same second was nice, and a brilliant concept to boot. It was nice to see Charles Dickens talking about his next Christmas Special, and if we are going to have a massive info-dump throughout about half of the episode, then why not have it as a conversation between the Doctor and Winston Churchill?

This was also a relatively complicated narrative. While I believe even the most casual of viewers will have picked up on what was going on and followed the story if they were so inclined, the dual narratives - of the Doctor trying to save himself at the same time as River ruining his plans by trying to save him as well - was much more complicated than your standard RTD season finale. It was also nice how the stories dovetailed at the end, and we were given the Doctor back - after he asked a favour from the Teselecta rather than just walking moodily away. Furthermore, it is also good that the Doctor, as far as his enemies are concerned, died - therefore there can be no more getting his enemies to flee by reading books or by getting them to trawl their visual memory banks. This story leaves the Doctor as an unknown (except to his friends) mad man with a box - just the way the whole thing began.

It was also good to see Rory threatened with death but then being saved by his wife before he got wiped out (again). It was also nice that the script acknowledged that he keeps on dying. It would be even nicer if this drew a line under the whole Rory dies all the time thing. Let's not have episodes ending with the apparent death of Mr Pond. Unless, y'know, he actually does die.

And the moment when the Doctor decided he should go to face his destiny was brilliant, even if it did bring a tear to my eye. I thought that Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart would just vanish from the series, never to be heard of again. But after the death of the man who played him for decades, the show made the decision to let the Doctor know that one of his oldest and most loyal friends had also passed away. But the Brigadier never forgot the Doctor. He was always there, waiting for his mad old alien friend, with a glass of brandy. A wonderful little moment, played brilliantly by Smith, and a fitting tribute to Nicholas Courtney. I hope they find a way to do something as nice for the late Elisabeth Sladen.

But I'm skirting the issue here. There was much to enjoy, but was it the way in which the Doctor died but didn't ultimately satisfying? Well, no. Then again, it never could be. You cannot kill off your lead character and then not have killed him off without some sort of cop-out clause in your script. But here the episode did not, at least, do too badly. At least it wasn't obvious idea of the Flesh Doctor being killed on the beach; the use of the Teselecta was, at least for me, slightly more surprising. And since the Resurrection of the Doctor was always going to be a bit of a cop out, it is better that it was a slightly unexpected cop-out rather than the obvious one.

And there were other problems too. Not least the fact that Madame Kovarian and (in particular)the Silence were underused. Look, the Silence are a great enemy, Mr Moffat. Give them time to shine. Please, please, please can we have an episode next year where they are placed centre stage? Not just afterthoughts and the partial motive power to your overall narrative?

And while we're on the subject of the next season, let's try to tone down the scope of the threat a little bit. Last season, the whole of the universe was at stake in the finale. This season, the whole of time was decaying. What next? Is there any way to raise the stakes for the next season finale (which may well be the last stand of the Eleventh Doctor?) Well, yes, but it involves more of a threat to the Doctor and company rather than everything else there has ever been ever. The Caves of Androzani is consistently voted one of the best Doctor Who stories of all time, yet its scope is really rather small. Some soldiers, a corrupt politician, a disfigured madman in fetish wear and the Doctor and Peri (not forgetting the very unconvincing monster). No threat to the universe, just a little local trouble that could have lethal consequences for both of the then leads of the show. I'd like to see Moffat doing something like that. And I'd also like to see him doing something spooky again. Because while The Wedding of River Song was a breathless roller-coaster of an episode, it was only the awesome physical presence (as opposed to anything they said or did) of the Silence and the pit of flesh-eating skulls that could send a shiver up the spine. We hear a lot about the darkness of Moffat-era Who. Fine, it is darker than the RTD era, and most of those that preceded it. But let's make sure it is scary as well.

But overall, I feel immensely satisfied by the way this season ended. Not the best episode that the series has, or will, ever produce(d), to be sure. But a good finale that tied up enough of the loose ends to leave me, at the very least, feeling positive about the whole thing, but with enough up in the air to make me desperately excited to see what happens next.

And the question was, of course, "Doctor Who?" It has been the one asked for damn near half a century now, and again I'm excited to see where all this is going as we head towards that fiftieth anniversary and the Fall of the Eleventh...

Doctor Who: Closing Time

Well, I can confidently predict that some people really won't like this episode of Doctor Who. After the intensity and iconoclasm of the past few weeks, a sequel to The Lodger feels like a real change. And I'm all for it, quite frankly. Doctor Who has one of the most versatile story telling formats in the world. Why not have an episode about the trials of parenthood, working in a shop, the awkwardness of an alien in suburbia and the ways in which you can deal with a Cybermat with razor sharp, high-voltage teeth? Why not have the occasional episode that tries to be funny?

Especially since it succeeds in being funny. The baby called Stormageddon, the Doctor as toy shop owner, the confusion about his relationship with Craig, his ability to shush people - I could go on, but this was an episode based around banter and that banter worked. In the past, a lot of the comedy in Doctor Who has been based around, say, Tom Baker's inability to take the story seriously. The new series has instead employed genuinely funny writers - such as tonight's author, Gareth Roberts.

Yet it wasn't just about laughs. This was, in the few scenes they were in, quite an effective use of the Cybermen. Finally, perhaps for the first time since the series returned, someone clocked that the true horror of the Cybermen is in their conversion process. They will make you into monsters. Also, the damaged, worn out Cybermen somehow looked more effective than their perfect counterparts.

But for some, the relative lack of menace and the increased comedy quotient won't work. They'll complain and bellyache that it was all a bit silly, and that these episodes aren't a patch on The Doctor's Wife or Let's Kill Hitler. And in doing so they will miss the point that not every episode can be an iconoclastic classic, and sometimes you just have to let the good Doctor breathe, and have some fun in the process.

And if anything didn't work in this episode, it was the tacked on stuff about River Song. Yes, there was a need to remind people of the overall story arc, and there arguably was a need to create a cliffhanger for the no doubt epic season resolution next week. But do we really need a kid's nursery rhyme being sung in the background to point out what is, has, and will be going on? Why can't we just have the Doctor visiting his old mate and telling him that he is off to his death after this? Isn't that enough?

Still, this episode worked. I don't what every Doctor Who episode to be like this, but every now and again, it is a real delight to see my favourite show doing comedy so well.

Torchwood: Miracle Day: The Blood Line

Man alive, that final episode of what has been a tedious and largely pointless series was shit. A magical blood transfusion saved the day. Thank fuck that I’ve wasted circa ten hours of my life waiting for that utterly convincing and in no way bullshit resolution. Thanks, people, for putting on the small screen perhaps the perfect example of how not to close off ten weeks worth of TV. In years to come, those teaching script-writing at universities and colleges throughout the world should point to this episode as a perfect example of how not to do it. And by it, I mean pretty much everything this sorry farrago set out to achieve.

It seems almost pointless to sit here and pick through all the ways in which the final episode failed to work. Yes, it was shit, but that should be evident to all but the terminally stupid and RTD. Let’s instead try to take a helicopter view and figure out just why what at first appeared to be quite a promising series ended up being such a steaming turd pile of absolute bilge.

The first reason is that if you’re going to write a Torchwood story, you should probably place the Torchwood team at the very heart of it. Not on the outskirts of the story, and not so they end up appearing as a tacked on afterthought. For example, Captain Jack is meant to be the hero of the series – not some second rate action man who has to be removed from said action because he’s suddenly become all vulnerable. Likewise, Gwen started off as an interesting character trying to cope with the strange world in which she found herself. To turn her into a chippy Welsh bird who just wants to chin everything that moves is to remove any residual interest in her or her character.

The second reason is that if you’re going to have a high concept story arc, then work out all the logical ramifications of it and also think about how to dramatically present it. So, if you are going to have a story that is in part about politicians deciding to introduce death camps, then it is probably worth devoting some of your ample run time to depicting those politicians reaching such an egregious conclusion. Likewise, don’t reach episode six and then suddenly forget (to a massive extent) about said death camps. Your regular viewers – the poor sods who made this whole thing possible in the first fucking place – will notice.

And thirdly, think about the pacing of your piece. If your most nightmarish image is the cooking of the terminally ill, then don’t reveal all halfway through your series. Build up to it across all ten episodes – don’t spunk it away by episode five. Because once Vera was incinerated, the whole piece became a question of “ok, that’s where this is going – and can we get there already please?”

The fourth, and for this post final, reason is that if you are going to write damn near 10 hours of TV then you shouldn’t be fucking well making it up as you go along. Nothing wrong with plotting it all out and working out where you want to get to and how you are going to get there.

But the fact that this series of Torchwood turned out to be a ripe example of an arse biscuit shouldn’t really be a surprise given what has gone before. The excellent (but still far from flawless) Children of Earth now appears to be the exception rather than the rule. The simple truth is – if they haven’t already had the option taken from them by this sorry farrago of absolute shite – the producers shouldn’t make any more Torchwood. Their heart isn’t in it and/or they are not capable of it.

Doctor Who: The God Complex

Let's be very clear on this - in order to be good, Doctor Who does not have to be original. Much of the early output of the Tom Baker era clearly shows this - they merrily plundered the back catalogue of much of Hammer and Universal's horror films to great effect. Taking a familiar scenario and dragging it into the Doctor's world often works very well. And that's what The God Complex is - good without being original. Because anyone who has seen Kubrick's version of The Shining or, to a lesser extent, the film 1408 will feel that last night's episode is somewhat familiar. But by no means in a bad way. I've said it before about the adventures of the good Doctor and no doubt I'll get to say it again, but if you're going to plunder from the archives, plunder from the best. And given the fantastic success of Stephen King's books and (some of) the movies based on those works, Doctor Who would have been missing a trick if it never dipped into his canon of work.

The decor of the ersatz hotel, the different rooms containing different nightmares, the composition of the shots - this was clearly the Doctor staying in the Overlook. And, generally speaking, it worked. Partly because it was more than just rehashing The Shining. The story understood that nightmares take on different forms. Yes, clowns (the fear of one Sarah Jane Smith, oddly enough) and Weeping Angels were obvious choices. But the disappointed father and the mocking girls were very different, and summed up that it isn't just monsters that people fear. There was a certain poignancy as well in the idea that Amy's nightmare was having to be Amelia Pond again, and await the return of her Raggedy Doctor. Then the twist that it was about faith rather than nightmares helped to give what could have been a very simple story an extra layer of depth.

And there were some other good points as well. Rita worked well as a companion who never was - and the Eleventh Doctor's reaction to her death was far more effective than the likely response of his immediate predecessor (who probably would have stood around looking forlorn rather than raging). And Smith's Doctor continues to excel over all - witness his goading of Gibbis around the slyness of the coward (which was, of course, borne out by that character's actions).

That said, this was good rather than great. In part because it was so derivative. You want to be great? You need to be more original than this. Part of that originality is not stealing the resolution of another (genuinely great) Who story - in this case The Curse of Fenric (something possibly referenced in that fact that the Doctor forced Amy to lose faith in him in room 7). Likewise, I don't doubt that the Ponds will be back, despite their apparent departure at the end of this episode. There's no real problem with giving them a false leaving, but here it just felt anti-climactic - not least since Amy has been in near constant danger ever since she met the Doctor (as have all of his companions). Overall, perhaps the biggest problem is that this was essentially a mood piece, but it lacked the time to really build up that mood. One of the reasons why The Shining works is its run time. You can't create the same claustrophobic environment in just 45 minutes - especially when you've got to have a long departure scene at the end between two old friends.

But, before we go away to await the arrival of Closing Time, it is perhaps worth pausing for a moment to think about what the Doctor saw in his room - or, to be clearer, what the Elventh Doctor saw in Room 11. There was the sound of the Cloister Bell and the Doctor almost seemed to have anticipated what was in there. So what did he see? Himself? After all, he was pretty negative about himself in Amy's Choice. But the Cloister Bell signifies danger. Danger for what? Given the Doctor is rushing towards his death, it could well be a portent of that...

Torchwood: Miracle Day: The Gathering

So, stuff happened. The plot moved forward. We saw the Blessing, found out that Julie Kitzinger is right (about what we do not know), saw Oswald Danes (now a leering pantomime villain) get to Wales despite being the world’s most wanted man, and also witnessed the sluggish cliff-hanger to the previous week’s episode being utterly dodged. The incapable Esther managed to get Jack to Scotland. Yeah, and monkeys are flying out of my anus.

It would have to be something pretty bloody spectacular to impress me at this point given the general standard of this series – this episode was not that. It was largely scene setting for a finale I no longer care about. And it seems pointless to rant away further at what has been a grossly disappointing series of Torchwood. Yeah, it has been shit. But realistically, we’ve known that for weeks. Now it is, at long last, limping towards a final episode that, for a much less self-indulgent series, should have happened circa six episodes ago. Dare I hope for something interesting to round off the series? Well, yeah, I can hope – but that’s about it. Because we all know that, even if the finale is perhaps the best bit of TV all year, it is still going to come across as an anti-climax. This hasn’t been Children of Earth. It hasn’t even been Cyberwoman. And even if we have a finale that convincingly wraps everything up and perhaps even kills off a few regulars (Esther would be great) it won’t change the fact that the vast majority of this series has been tedious padding.

Because of “the Miracle” people live forever. Well, it feels like this series has been going on forever. The fact that it is about to end is a real blessing. Just shame that it comes with such a sense of tedium and anti-climax. Go on, Miracle Day, knock my socks off. But even if you do, chances are it will be too little, too late.

Torchwood - Miracle Day - End of the Road

So, two good things happened in this episode of Torchwood. Firstly, someone died, and thus the overall story was advanced. As such, this episode created for the first time in weeks the feeling that there actually is going to be some sort of resolution to this story, and that the whole thing won't just stop suddenly when the series runs out of episodes. Of course, prior to that death we had a long scene of poorly written, directed and performed exposition, and afterwards we had a lot of pure padding that reached its nadir when three of the lead characters had to touch the magic floor in order not to be heard by the nasty CIA agents. But whatever. I'll happily cling on to the minor move forward in the overall story arc as a positive sign that things might get better.

The second good thing that happened in this episode is the arrival of Allen Shapiro, a sweary, intolerant type who rightly had little patience of Gwen and therefore came across as the most effective character in this otherwise rather sorry farrago. No doubt he'll vanish from the face of Miracle Day moving forward because he is just too interesting.

Two good things. In an episode that lasted for about 50 minutes, but felt far longer. Two good things - and then that's it. For the rest of the episode we had to watch Rex do very little other than remain close-minded and generally quite ignorant, Gwen doing little else that raging like an irate teenager (and just as effectively) and Esther deciding that the best thing to do with a mortally wounded Captain Jack was to drive him round the arse end of nowhere while sobbing. These people are meant to be the people saving the world yet they act like inept children. Christ.

Okay, let me break cover and say what has been on my mind for weeks but has reached bursting point after the eighth episode of this tedious series - this isn't working. It isn't working at all. It is at best lacklustre, and at worst seriously shit. It has been a massive disappointment. It has become an effort to watch it each and every week, let alone review it. The only thing keeping me going is the fact that I've already invested so much time in it that I may as well watch the final couple of episodes to find out where it is all going (if anywhere). I still hope (against hope) to be proven wrong in my assumption that this is just going to all be a massive disappointment by the final two episodes. But with each episode that goes by with no signs of real improvement that hope dies a little bit more. Prove me wrong, RTD. Prove me wrong, Torchwood. Although I suspect that this is beyond all of your abilities now.

Doctor Who - Night Terrors

First up, let me say this - there is nothing wrong with Night Terrors. Had I seen this as a kid, I would have loved it. I'd have wanted to watch it over and over again because it does have some striking images and, crucially, it is also very creepy in places. But the adult in me - the jaded critic who has somehow wound up writing Doctor Who for free each week (if anyone wants to pay me to do this, please feel free) can't help but think that Night Terrors was an entertaining way to spend 45 minutes but nothing more.

Part of the problem was it is incredibly derivative. It combines elements of Ghostwatch with Sapphire and Steel. It also robs the rich heritage of Doctor Who a lot as well. The whole thing - especially the human/doll transformation and the parent needs to love child resolution - is pretty much The Empty Child and The Doctor Dances rewritten once again. The dolls house thing has been done before as part of the Hornet's Nest series, and the music was very reminiscent of the creepy girl theme from Remembrance of the Daleks. Yeah, it is becoming increasingly difficult to write original Who, and if you are going to rob, rob from the best. But if you want to create something genuinely iconic, you need to come up with something more than a greatest hits package.

Then there's Daniel Mays. I don't know why so many people rate him as an actor. To me, he's not very convincing. And here that is brought into sharp relief by the fact that he is acting opposite Matt Smith, who is in his element once again as the Time Lord. The problem is that Smith - playing a young/old wise yet silly alien - comes across as far more convincing than Mays - who is playing a human father. Plus Mays is surely the very a much more deserving recipient of Amy's frequent jibe to Rory - he really does have a stupid face.

Speaking of Amy and Rory, way to write them out of the episode. They spent pretty much the whole time exploring a house. In the dark. Yeah, it is all very atmospheric and threatening, but they did nothing to drive the story forward and nothing to resolve it. They were basically given busy work to do. Plus, as soon as Amy was converted into a doll, the threat of such a conversion was neutralised. We instantly knew that the conversion would be reversed.

Which leads me to another gripe - why is it becoming increasingly the norm to have Doctor Who stories where no-one dies? The reason why it was so effective at the end of The Doctor Dances is because it was the exception, not the rule. The problem with a lack of death, though, is that it makes everything less threatening. The doll conversion is a classic example - why not have the greasy, odious landlord permenantly converted into a little wooden doll? That is both a fitting fate and a memorable one. And please don't tell me that it is because this is a family show - just go watch Earthshock or Revelation of the Daleks and look at the body count there.

I know, I know, it sounds like I am just whining and sniping at something that, while not perfect, is still the best thing on TV. And I'd like to stress again that there is Night Terrors isn't a clunker, and is a perfectly acceptable outing for the nation's favourite Time Lord. But it could have been a story for any Doctor at any point in the show's history. It is Doctor Who by the numbers. And coming after the iconoclastic and utterly mad Let's Kill Hitler, it can't help but end up being a little bit nondescript. It's fine, but as a hyper-critical adult, it's nothing more than that.

Torchwood - Miracle Day - Immortal Sins

Ok, so this was very typical Torchwood: Miracle Day in a number of ways. It progressed the overall story arc in a slight way (Jack's ex is behind the miracle, apparently, or at the very least knows how it started) but at the same time felt like an exercise in padding. But in other respects this was atypical for Miracle Day. Set largely in the past (other than the present day row between Gwen and Jack), this felt a lot like old school, pre-Children of Earth Torchwood.

Let's look at the evidence. The story involves a minor alien* conspiracy - minor, at least, in the sense that it is very easily dealt with by Jack. The rest of the story focuses on Jack's immortality and Jack's insatiable appetite when it comes to humping. So far, so much normal, old-school Torchwood.

And this is very much old Torchwood, but in fairness, it is old Torchwood done well. The relationship between Jack and Angelo is not simply casual titillation; the exploration of Catholic guilt and how people might actually respond to an immortal man is surprisingly intelligent. Indeed, the scenes where the mob turns on Jack are horrific and genuinely compelling. And I do wonder whether the trio of men who bargain over Jack and the vial of his blood taken in those scenes will figure later. That could be truly intelligent story telling (and therefore something this series needs a lot more of).

Plus it is nice to have the universe in which this series resides acknowledged. It was good to hear a mention of the Doctor (although any such mention does serve to highlight the extent to which Jack is a lacklustre substitute for the last of the Time Lords). The nod to the Trickster was also brought a smile to my face. This sort of references are nice for the fans but not too much for the casual viewer.

But, again, I'm left with the feeling that we lose something when we try to deal with the Torchwood team interacting with the Miracle. The scenes between Gwen and Jack, although played with gusto by the regulars, just feel a bit tedious and strangely out of character. Gwen has been built up to be almost a superhero so far in this series, but at the first hint of a threat (backed up with remarkably little proof) Gwen's attacking Jack and handing him over to his death. Furthermore, both Rex and Esther somehow managed to be irritating in this episode - no mean feat given just how little screen time they actually had. And the whole thing - the whole sodding episode - pretty much ignored the Miracle. It would be great, it would be fan-fucking-tastic, if we could focus a bit more on the world-changing event than Gwen tearfully emoting in the front seat of a car.

So a welcome distraction of an episode, but nothing more. Any chance we can start getting some sort of progress in the overall story arc sometime soon? Preferably before the final episode?

*Is this the first alien we've seen in this series so far? I think it might be.

Doctor Who: Let's Kill Hitler

So, the Good Man returns to our screens after a summer break. And he's back with a bang. And with a break-neck story that never really pauses for breath. But also a story that, when you look back on it, is a delightful piece of story telling; a deceptively simple plot that manages to advance the overall story arc at the same time as offering some genuine surprises that, on closer analysis, appear to be logical developments given what we have seen thus far and what we can guess is to come. And it is also a very funny script; one very clearly written by the author of Coupling. It is a great way for the show to return after its summer holidays. Let's take a look at why in a bit more detail.

Oh, and perhaps appropriately, there are spoilers ahead.

First up, it has a pre-title sequence that is clever and exciting. It has a novel way of contacting the Doctor and, just as you think you've figured it all out, it throws in a twist and an apparently throwaway character in Amy's best friend, Mels.

Ah, Mels. You have a gun, an attitude, and have been brought up (unintentionally) by Amelia Pond (and other, less friendly forces as it turns out) to have an obsession with the Doctor. But it all is for nothing, because Hitler shoots her in a blind panic. Amy's best friend is going to die. Except... except... Well, we never did stop to ask what 'Mels' is short for. Turns out it is Melody. Melody Pond. So one regeneration later, we have the Doctor dying and a couple of parents searching for their ever so wayward superhuman daughter while Hitler remains locked in a cupboard. And that's before we even come to the Terminator style robot spaceship with the minaturised people inside it.

In this episode, we get the Eleventh Doctor, Amy and Melody Pond all firing on all cylinders. But it is also worth pausing for a moment and remarking on how Rory has grown as a character. Here, he gets many of the best moments. Witness his treatment of Hitler and his lines after he and Amy have been miniaturised. Furthermore, Arthur Darvil's performance as he watches his future wife realise that he has loved her for years is sublime.

And those scenes with Amelia Pond, young Rory and young Mels - that at first appeared to be nothing more than a bit of padding - actually turn out to be crucial to the ongoing story. Here we see that Amy and Rory did raise their daughter, even though they were children too at the time. It is a neat way of getting around the narrative problem of how the Ponds as parents would get to see their daughter growing up.

Furthermore, the later appearance of Amelia Pond - this time as projection in the TARDIS - is wonderful. Not least because it is preceded by a lighthearted reveal of something really rather dark - that the Doctor doesn't like himself, and feels guilt (understandably) over the impact he had on the lives of Rose Tyler, Martha Jones and Donna Noble. This is basically an aside in a very busy story, but it hints at an emotional complexity that you might not expect from such a bold, brassy (half) season opener.

It is also worth commenting briefly on the direction here. There were so many nice little moments that indicated a talented director at work - such as the seamless merge between the model TARDIS and the real thing flying out of control through the sky. Combined with a great script and fine performances (especially from the regulars) this is bold, confident Doctor Who - the show at its best.

And it really does hint at what might be to come. We learn a little more about the Silence, as well as learning that silence will fall when a very old question is asked. What could that question be? Well, I have a proven track record of being really rather crap when it comes to Doctor Who related predictions, but I'll make a guess anyway - could that question possibly be one posed to the Doctor that simply says "who are you?"

Any problems? Well, the Hitler element to the story is a little bit of a red herring, but the full nightmare that was Hitler's life isn't the sort of thing that can be done in a family show broadcast at 7:10pm on a Saturday evening. And the incinerating things in the Teselcta ship looked a little... well... cheap, but to bemoan cheap special effects in Doctor Who is to open up a can of worms that would take months to fully discuss. But I can't help but feel that to criticise this episode too much is almost to be a bit too pedantic and churlish. This was fun, clever and vastly enjoyable.

And it is the sort of episode that shows why Doctor Who should be celebrated as a largely unique television experience. It is damn near half a century old, but still has the ability to be hugely exciting and surprising. And it still has the ability to leave you desperately wanting to know what will happen next week.

Welcome back, Doctor. You were only away for a few weeks, but even that was far too long.

Torchwood: Miracle Day: The Middle Men

Woo-hoo! Winston Zeddemore is in it! I don't quite know why that makes me so happy. I guess it is because it is a distraction from this slow-moving, lumbering beast of a story.

But let's look at the content of the episode rather than just the casting. Colin Maloney is a wonderfully ghastly creation - a unpleasant man in complete meltdown who has ceased to be fully in control of his own actions. There is the implication that, deep down, he knows that what he signed up to do is wrong, and when that combines with a sudden collapse in his life and things start to fall apart, he becomes terrifying and lethal. A maniac, out of control, in a vanity golf cart. The only downside to his character is that we never really saw it properly develop. We never saw him move from a minor public official into murderous, monstrous concentration camp director. Had he been introduced into the story earlier (and, as we know, those early episodes could have done with a lot more story and a lot less padding) we might have seen a compelling story arc and how humans can fall into evil. Instead, we end up simply with a rather transparent weak yet evil man. Which is good, but could have been so much better.

There is also the surprisingly intelligent conversation between Gwen and Dr Patel about moral choice in a concentration camp. It is even more striking given this has hardly been the most intellectually challenging of stories so far. It is a bit like coming across a discussion of the categorical imperative in a Colin Baker Doctor Who story. Of course, and rather sadly, it doesn't last for long, and with in minutes Jack is slapping the bum of a waiter. Back to business as usual, then.

The 45 club is another unsettling, but completely logical, extension of the Miracle. What a shame it wasn't introduced earlier, since the way it is treated here is just as a means to kill off a minor character in a world without suicide. Why can't we spend less time with the Torchwood team and more exploring this strange, new world? Are we going to hear about the 45 club again or have they just disappeared from the series, rather like the Soulless? There seems to be an assumption that we should find the antics of the Torchwood team so exciting that we only need brief hints of the world around that team. Unfortunately, the exact opposite is true.

And that's all I've got to say about this episode, really. Once again, I'm left with the frustration that this still isn't really going anywhere. This week, we learned that the camps are really bad. Which we also already knew. We learned that there is a conspiracy behind the Miracle and behind PhiCorp, which we also already knew. We didn't get to see Oswald Danes, or understand the implications of his speech. Oh, but we have found out that there is something called the blessing. But we know fuck all about it really. In short, we still know bugger all about what is going on here. Still. When you strip it down to basics, this episode was yet another exercise in padding.

Doctor Who: Partners In Crime

Prior to Steven Moffat opening the most recent (half) season of Doctor Who with the Doctor being gunned down and then Amy Pond shooting her own daughter, season openers for the new look Who tended to be quite lightweight. Fun frolics designed to ease the casual viewer into the new season. I can see why RTD felt this was necessary, although I always felt that the season openers were disappointing and lacklustre compared to the episodes that followed. And Partners in Crime is the worst of a bad bunch. It is, quite simply, dreadfully bland and utterly disappointing.

It has Tennant doing his Doctor-by-numbers routine, and Donna is still the shouty chav she was in The Runaway Bride (although this would change as the season went along, demonstrating in the process what a good actress Tate actually is). The direction is flat, and manages to even turn the supposed set pieces (the Doctor and Donna seeing each other across Foster's office, the larking around in the window cleaner's life) into something really flat - and it is further undermined by the jaunty incidental music that plays over many of the (supposedly) more dramatic moments. But it is the script that really lets this down. It is, quite simply, the worst thing RTD has ever written (from what I've seen of his work).

I once read that RTD thought that Partners in Crime should be used to teach script-writing. I can't help but think that this should only be the case if the lesson is how not to write an episode of Doctor Who. The first segment of the story is frightfully unfunny "comedy" as the Doctor and Donna fail to meet, pretty much doing exactly the same thing as each other (so we get to see everything happening twice, effectively) but just missing each other at the same time. It is the sort of thing that you would expect from an earthbound, unimaginative sitcom - not from the opening instalment of a series that has the whole of time and space at its disposal. It's crap, really - a trick I've seen countless times before being done in a lacklustre way.

Then we have the villains - Foster, who is played with some relish but never really amounts to anything more than generic female baddie with two meatheads at her side with very big guns. But nothing than compare us for the Adipose - lumps of fat designed to look cute. They're babies, basically, making their communicative ability even less than your standard Who monster. And they don't do anything other than toddle around, burble for a bit and then disappear. The Doctor even points out that their lethal potential - which we hardly see - is not their fault. The upshot? This is a Doctor Who story with no real sense of threat, either to the planet or to the protagonists. It is only later, in Turn Left, that we get a feel for the awful implications of Foster's scheme. Here, it is all a bit of a nothingness. Of course, not every Doctor Who story can, or even should, have a sense of constant threat and menace. But a complete lack of those things makes this into an edition of 2point4 children without the (albeit very limited) laughs.

There are a couple of nice moments - such as the conversation between Wilf and Donna on the hill closely followed by the Doctor talking to an empty TARDIS. And the return of Rose at the end of the episode was, at the time, a brilliant little twist that raised my dampened spirits. Yet, it wasn't enough then, and it isn't enough now. This isn't even a slight episode, it is downright disappointing. In fact, it is the worst episode since the show came back, and definitely in the top 10 of the show's worst stories.

NB: next week's Clunker review will be materialising on Friday because, at around about this time next week, they'll be something else to review...

Torchwood: Miracle Day: The Categories of Life

My last three reviews of Torchwood have been necessarily harsh, but harsh nonetheless. So let's redress the balance a bit. This episode was not bad; in fact, not bad at all. In fact, it was probably the best one since RTD kicked off the show five weeks ago. The main reason for this is that the Torchwood team now seem to be actively participating in their own adventure. Rather than just larking around on the sides of the Miracle, now they are fully exploring its implications. They are going into the camps and finding out what is going on - even if, in the case of Rex, it takes a demonstration for him to work out what the modules are for.

But it isn't just the active participation that works here. For the first time, we get a real sense of menace created through the fact that the Torchwood team are now genuinely in danger. Of course, it takes an extreme event - the gunning down and then incineration of Vera by a desperate man who has lost all control of himself - to really hammer this point home, but at long last we get a feeling (added to by the preview for next week's episode) that the team aren't playing around anymore - and nor are their enemies.

Elsewhere, the positively reptilian Oswald Danes (seriously, they should get Bill Pullman to play a Silurian in Doctor Who - he wouldn't need any make-up) appears to be hedging his bets; advocating PhiCorp in his speech, but also hinting (as Jack suggested) that they knew about the Miracle before it happened. And... that's about it, really, in terms of developing the overall story arc. Because while the Torchwood team have been finding out about stuff at San Pedro and Cowbridge, the rest of the story hasn't really gone anywhere. At the end of the last episode we knew there were camps and at the end of this episode we know there are camps where bad things are happening. It is hardly a dramatic leap forward in the underlying story, and other than the whispers about morphic fields we know next to nothing about the causes of the Miracle. Yeah, yeah there are still five episodes to go, I know. But it is telling that the pace of this story is so slow that the Torchwood team were able to have an evening to themselves and chow down on some Chinese takeaway at the beginning of the episode.

And while elements of the plotting of the episode - for example, that Danes was able to win over the crowd with his mix of contrition, flattery and hope - other elements of the story have me shaking my head in disbelief. If you're a government building large areas designed effectively to burn people alive, what is the one word you would want to avoid? "Camp". Brings up all sorts of association with, I don't know, mass slaughter. But what are the death centres referred to as here? "Overflow Camps". Fucking hell, you may as well call them "charnel houses" or "killing fields". And had they been named something else, then the Torchwood team would literally be none the wiser. They'd have continued larking around at the edges of the story. And frankly, it stretches a credibility that is already at breaking point to suppose that governments all over the world were able to build these camps without anyone anywhere ever saying "err, shouldn't we have a slightly less loaded word to describe them?"

But there are always going to be problems with a show as lazily scripted as Miracle Day. Let's leave that to one side, and instead keep our fingers crossed that the upturn in quality here is replicated and built upon in later instalments. The Categories of Life remains far from perfect, but does at least give me a certain level of hope that was sadly lacking after watching Escape to L.A.

Doctor Who: Aliens of London/World War Three

As Clunkers go, this is a slightly odd one. It is here because, as far as I'm concerned, it is the worst of the Eccleston era. But it is far from terrible. Elements of it are very strong. Other elements are not great. And as this was the longest Doctor Who story since 1989, it is worth pausing to consider why.

The plot: the Doctor returns Rose to earth, apparently 12 hours after she left. However, it is actually 12 months. This causes some ructions in the Tyler household and earns the Doctor a slap from Jackie Tyler. In the meantime, an alien spaceship crashes and aliens launch a coup in Downing Street. The aliens are the Slitheen, a criminal family determined to reduce the Earth to radioactive sludge that can then be sold. The Doctor, using his connections and his newfound extended family in the form of the Tylers, defeats them. Hardly the most original of plots, but entertaining nonetheless.

So what works well? Eccleston is superb. Witness him chasitising the soldier for gunning down the space pig or threatening the Slitheen. This is an outstanding actor bringing real gravitas to the role of the Doctor. And he is ably backed up by Billie Piper as Rose - and pretty much anyone involved in the Tyler side to the story is really strong here. As is Penelope Wilton as Harriet Jones - a character who could have been deeply irritating (the repetition of her name and constituency, for example) is made compellingly human through Wilton's performance. By the end of the show, you want her to become Prime Minister. So we have a number of strong performances here, and we are introduced to someone who would become an important part of Torchwood - Toshiko Sato. Sadly, we also get some pretty OTT and consequently uncovincing performances - see almost anyone playing a Slitheen in these episodes.

The Tyler side to the story is also entertaining and, in its own quiet way, ground-breaking for Doctor Who. "Don't you dare make this place domestic" warns Rose after Jackie and Mickey enter the TARDIS. Well, here the show is made more domestic, and amazingly it enhances the experience. Looking at how life with the Doctor affects not just his companions but also those around the companion is a fascinating idea, and leads to these episodes best moments - the Doctor getting slapped and "maybe because everyone thinks I murdered you" being two examples. This is the first time we really see one of RTD's strengths - bringing the domestic and realistic emotions to the show.

Unfortunately, we also see the biggest weakness of RTD - sci-fi plotting. There is precious little that is original here, and the sci-fi elements of the story add next to nothing to it. Blowing the aliens up with a redirected missile is hardly a satisfying resolution after circa ninety minutes of drama. Nor is the cliffhanger any good - it is padded out for ages, and resolved in seconds with the plotting equivalent of a get out jail free card. I'd waited from 1989 to 2005 to see another Doctor Who cliffhanger - and it was not worth the wait. And much of World War Three involves the Doctor, Rose and Harriet talking about stuff in a room. Likewise, the Slitheen are undermined to a large extent by being vulnerable to vinegar - it is a childish plot device that makes them somehow unconvincing and very silly. Not as silly as their constant farting makes them, mind.

Indeed, the Slitheen were never going to become one of the iconic Doctor Who monsters - they are just a bit too silly for that. But I really don't think they are done any favours by the director here. They could be made menacing, even with all the farting. But the times when they are meant to appear menacing (i.e. before they kill) the direction is really rather flat, and they come across (again) as childish rather than a genuine threat. Which is a shame because, done just slightly differently, they could have been very sinister with their baby alien faces and their plump yet lethal hunter bodies. But the way they are presented meant they were always going to be consigned to The Sarah Jane Adventures and children's TV.

Essentially (and much like the current run of Torchwood) we have two stories here - one very domestic and really rather convincing and one outlandish and just plain silly. And this would be the curse of RTD - he was always great at doing the emotional or domestic, but when it came to plot twists or decent sci-fi, the quality went out the window. It is also why his best story - Midnight - relies on ordinary people facing an undefined and unexplained monster with only the most basic of sci-fi trappings.

So Aliens of London and World War Three are disappointing in some ways, but they are by no means a disaster. In fact, a strong case could be made that these two episodes are the best of what I'm calling the Clunkers. But in many ways they define the highs and the lows of an era - an undoubtedly successful age of the show where the lead writer was exceptional in some regards and sadly very lacklustre in others.

Never Let Me Go

In many respects, Never Let Me Go is a very simple film. It is a movie about a tragic love triangle between three doomed individuals. But that simplicity is deceptive. In fact, it is a far more complex film that it might first appear. Because the background scenario - the dystopian society that provides the backdrop and the reason as to why the leading trio are doomed - is simultaneously fascinating and frightening. And yes, there are spoilers ahead.

The trio at the heart of the story are donors - not those who volunteer to donate organs after their demise, but rather human clones who are bred to provide replacement organs for real humans. And those organs are removed while the donors still live -organ by organ until the donor can no longer survive and they die. Their whole lives are laid out for them, and the donors know that they will die on an operating table giving their vital organs to those deemed to be more important than them.

In part, the film is about what it means to be human. The donors - bred to be internally cannibalised - are effectively human. They feel; they love, they argue, they hope and they fear. They create. In what way are they different from other humans? Is it simply they were bred to be spare parts and then conditioned to accept that fate? But it is about more than just the question of whether the donors are human, since the film also posits the implicit question of "how human is a society that breeds fellow humans to slowly kill them in a cold, clinical and bureaucratic way?"

As such, this film is in part a tragic romance, in part a dystopian fantasy. But it is also an very unlikely but also compelling horror movie, rather like In The Loop (albeit for different reasons). The horror isn't blatant or in-your-face; rather, it hangs in the atmosphere but is everywhere. The film features people born to die and while one of the characters muses that everyone completes (the film's term for dying), these people aren't just born to die, they are born to be killed and their organs systematically harvested. Furthermore, there are constant hints at just how inhumane this society has become. Hailsham - one of the schools that educate the donors - is perceived by one of its leading staff members as a last bastion of ethical behaviour towards the donors. It cares about whether they are human or not. But even as it asks that question it still grooms these children not to question; to be compliant little donors. It is complicit in the systematic slaughter of numerous people in society. Furthermore, it is suggested that Hailsham has closed towards the end of the film, and that the newer schools for clones are really just battery farms. Humans clones as battery hens, bred by a society that would rather ignore them until it needs their organs. And clones so indoctrinated and convinced of their own fate that they do not run and do not flee; the closest they come to such an aspiration is wanting to defer their first donation because they have found love. Hell, even the bland wording for the process are haunting; "donations" for the harvesting of organs, "completion" for what is effectively murder at the hands of the National Donor Programme. This is a dystopian future, and we see it through the dystopia's victims.

Never Let Me Go is touching, sinister and thought-provoking in equal measure and, as such, is well worth watching.

Doctor Who: The TV Movie

I know it has its fans just as I know that Paul McGann has his fans. But to me, this movie is an utter failure. McGann is a failure as the Doctor. And this whole misfire nearly consigned the series to oblivion when it should have been a glorious rebirth of the series.

Yeah, yeah, I know that McGann has got far better as the Doctor in the Big Finish audio plays. And I know that it is slightly unfair to choose a clunker from the McGann era when there is only one TV story to choose from. But it still stands, and as far as I am concerned this movie was and is a massive disappointment.

To truly understand why I have so little time for McGann's one TV outing it is worth comparing this failed attempt to relaunch the show with a later - far more successful attempt; 2005's Rose. Because while Rose is far from perfect, it does help to highlight all that went wrong with this TV movie. Rose begins with, well, Rose as she goes about her daily business - getting up, going to work, flirting with her boyfriend, before finally going into the basement of the store where she works to find that the shop dummies have started to move. Then she meets the man who will change her life and he says just one word - "run". It is a brilliant opening, launching straight into an adventure without bringing the complex baggage of 26 years worth of Doctor Who. However, the TV Movie does precisely the opposite. In a pre-title sequence that consists of bad CGI and Dalek voices that sound like chipmunks playing as Daleks, the Doctor in a voice over says:

"It was on the planet Skaro that my old enemy, the Master, was finally put on trial. They say he listened calmly as his list of evil crimes was read and sentence passed. Then he made his last, and I thought somewhat curious, request. He demanded that I, the Doctor, a rival Time Lord, should take his remains back to our home planet - Gallifrey. It was a request they should never have granted."

So, this sequence assumes prior knowledge of (1) Skaro, the home planet of the Daleks (2) who the Master is and (3) people identify the Daleks from their voices - they will know what they sound like even though they don't sound like, well, the Daleks here. So it is an intro for geeks like me, really. Except that it is really unsatisfying even for geeks. It isn't just the Dalek voices, it is the complete lack of knowledge of the Daleks. Yeah, they might execute the Master - that's believable. But they don't do last requests. And they certainly don't invite their mortal enemy - the Oncoming Storm - to pick up the last remains of one of his other mortal enemies from their home world without exterminating him. And why the frig would the Doctor agree to this? To place himself in moral danger in order to get the final remains of his nemesis (particularly given the Master was actually using a stolen body)? Sorry, this beginning is bollocks, and it makes no-one happy; neither the casual viewer or the devoted fan.

Then we have the presentation of the Doctor. In Rose, he is instantly charismatic; a mix of a gurning joker and angry, bereaved loner. He is also alien through and through. The Eighth Doctor, however, comes across like a hyperactive child, rushing around, talking crap and acting like a slightly quirky action hero. As I say, McGann matures in the Big Finish audio plays, but here he is the least Doctorish Doctor there has ever been. And as for that horseshit about him being half-human... please. Why do we need this? What does it add to the story? And for such a continuity filled installment of the show, to piss on 26 years worth of mythology by making the Doctor half-human is both crass and pointless.

Of course, McGann isn't helped by the fact that, for a sizable minority of the story, he isn't the Doctor. Instead, we see the demise of the Seventh Doctor. Now, as noted last week, I'm a big fan of McCoy's incarnation, so it was nice to see him again in this. Nice, but not essential. Not least because the most Machiavellian of Doctors is not felled through his own machinations but rather through being caught in the crossfire in a gang war before finally being offed by his new companion operating on him. Besides, it is a dumb way to begin a new era of the show and to relaunch it to an international audience - McCoy was watched by between 3 and 5 million people in the UK, making him probably the least successful Doctor in terms of viewing figures ever. And it is difficult to imagine many people in America knowing much about the Seventh Doctor. So why open your brand new version of the show with a little known actor who is about to be replaced anyway? Why not just start the new version of Doctor Who with the new Doctor? Like, well, they did with Rose? I mean, just imagine how surreal would have been with Paul McGann in the role of the Doctor for the first ten minutes before he regenerated... into the new (and therefore real) star of the show.

Then we have the adversaries and the companion(s). The Master is the main enemy here and, by God, he's fucking mental in this one. And quite nasty as well. He doesn't mind snapping people's necks or destroying his own stolen body. I guess you could argue that he is pretty desperate here, but it doesn't stop him from camping it up. It isn't that the Master is bad here, more that he just isn't that memorable. In his first adventures, he was always backed up by some other monsters... like, Autons in his first story. And Autons are a simple idea, but very effective. Plastic mannequins that come to life. Much more memorable that a glorified body snatcher.

Of course, companions don't need to be visually iconic or that memorable on paper. The two companions in the TV movie - surgeon and gang member - are far more memorable on paper than Rose Tyler. Yet it is Rose Tyler, with her inquisitive nature and her ability to save the day, that makes her an iconic companion and those in TV Movie also-rans. Rose Tyler is extraordinary despite being ordinary; the two companions in the TV Movie are really very ordinary despite living extraordinary day to day lives. Neither shows any real curiousity about traveling in the TARDIS. Rose? She sprints into the TARDIS at the end of her first story. And quite right too. If the human we are witnessing the story through isn't at least a bit interested in life in the TARDIS, why should we be interested?

Which is why the ending to Rose - with its excitement and promise of future adventure - is actually inspiring, whereas the ending to the TV Movie - with its promise of repetition and its use of a comedy sound effect - just makes the viewer think that no-one is taking this story seriously.

Of course, bad luck could play a part here for McGann. In a sense, comparing his debut story to the relaunch of the show by a lifelong fan and talented writer in his own right taking a hell of a lot of creative control, is unfair. I mean, other Doctors - both of the Bakers and McCoy for example - had disappointing debut stories. The difference is, of course, that for the other three those stories were part of a (highly) popular, long-lasting TV series. In the case of the McGann story, this was meant to be the (re)launch of a very British brand internationally. Put simply, it couldn't afford to be anything other than fast-moving, light-weight yet compelling entertainment. It certainly shouldn't have been an often nonsensical piece that pleases neither the casual viewer or the fan. This TV movie was beaten by a season finale of Roseanne. And, as much as it pains me to say it, this TV movie deserved to be beaten by an episode in a series about a fat woman and her working class family. Indeed, given the success of Rose, it is interesting to conjecture what might had happened if the Eighth Doctor hadn't met Grace but instead a girl from a working class family with a mother like Roseanne...

Now, the reality is that, one day, Doctor Who will disappear from our screens again. But it is also true that, a few years after that disappearance, someone will decide that it is the right time to resurrect it. And let's just hope that they use, for all its flaws (like the bin that burps), they use Rose rather than going for this terribly disappointing and completely mishandled attempt to relaunch Doctor Who.

Torchwood: Miracle Day: Escape to L.A.

Another week, another episode of Torchwood. I could go through and do a "I liked this (Gwen and Jack pretending to be parents, for example, or the really rather horrific car crusher fate of the pseudo-Sarah Palin character) and I didn't like this (incidental music is still shite; Esther being surprised that Child Services took her sister's kids away and committed said mentalist sister - seriously, what the fuck did she thing was going to happen?)" sort of a review, but that's a bit boring and likely to get even more boring if repeated over the next six weeks. So instead, I want to look at the series overall, and try to figure out why it isn't working. And I think there are two fundamental reasons.

Firstly, there is no sense of reality here. Now, that might seem to be a curious claim given (a) it's a sci-fi show and (b) I'm a big fan of Doctor Who, which wrapped up the first half of its latest season with the floppy haired, badly dressed ancient-yet-young central character pulling together an army involving a lactating warrior troll and a lesbian lizard to fight another army which included headless monks. So let me explain exactly what I mean here. Of course, Torchwood is going to be unbelievable and unreal to a large extent. The last series involved multiple headed vomit monsters seeking children to get high off. Ken Loach it ain't ever gonna be. But Children of Earth worked better than Miracle Day is working because it tried to at least connect the over-arching narrative and the cartoonish Torchwood team with reality. They did this through having normal people involved in the narrative - such as Ianto's family and the tragic figure of Frobisher. There aren't any similar characters in Miracle Day. Look at the people who aren't part of the Torchwood team. They include a murderous paedophile and an amoral PR guru who is perfectly happy to suspend her revulsion over said paedophile in order to do her job, and indeed chuckles with glee when he does well. They are a world away from a working class family desperately trying to save their children and the children in the neighbourhood. Or the compromised civil servant forced to do the unspeakable and murder his whole family in order to save them from a worse fate he has worked to bring to other families across the country.

Furthermore, the desperate and pathetic political posturing of the odious Prime Minister Brian Green in Children of Earth added another sense of reality to the show, as we saw politicians desperately trying to seek solutions to unprecendented problems and having to make terrible choices in the process. Here, we get none of that. In fact, all we hear about politically is the silence from the White House. This is a shame - it would be great to understand what politicians are trying to do in the face of this new world. It would be great to see a President being forced to deal with the drug companies, with the Dead is Dead campaign, with the Soulless, and being forced to make terrible choices as diseases go on the rise. Maybe we will see this in future episodes, but I doubt that. And if we do, I will have to ask the question of why the hell that plot strand wasn't introduced earlier, because this series of Torchwood could really do with extra plot strands.

Because, and this is the second reason why it just isn't working, there is simply not enough plot for the four episodes we have seen so far. Meaning the whole thing comes across as very slow moving, plodding and padded out. I'm amazed we are only on episode four of this story; it feels like I have been watching this series for years now. And I really cannot believe that there is another six fucking episodes of this to go. Part of the issue is that we have learned so little about what is going on. We know that PhiCorp is involved in the miracle, and we know that some sort of force is controlling events and favours a circling triangle to remain cryptic. That's it. Across four episodes of TV. That's it. And frankly, it isn't enough. And the characters in the show even seem to be acknowledging this. Gwen's frustration when Rex shoots the hitman who was about to cut her throat just as he is about to reveal the names of whoever is controlling this whole conspiracy mirrored my own frustration. Can't we please just have a tiny bit of information about what the fuck is going on here as we slowly grind towards the middle of the series?

Let's compare where we are in this series of Torchwood to where we had got to at this point in the last series. By the end of the fourth part of Children of Earth we'd seen the aliens, understood what they wanted and how terrible it was, and the team had just lost another key, and much liked, member. By the end of this fourth episode we basically know bugger all. Yeah, I understand that Miracle Day is twice as long as the immediately preceding series, but that is the point and the second big flaw with the series - it doesn't need to be twice as long. In fact, the amount of plot we've seen so far could have been condensed into one episode without too much trouble.

The end result is that this round of Torchwood has become immensely frustrating. There are clearly good ideas going on, but they are dripping out at such a slow rate as to make the whole thing barely worth bothering with. I'd almost rather see Miracle Day: The Edited Highlights than sit through another six plodding episodes that consist of little more than padding and a refusal to let the audience in on what is actually going on here.

Of course, it may pick up; after all, we aren't even halfway yet. The next six episodes may prove to be outstanding TV. And I really hope that they are. Because I don't want to have to write another six reviews that all basically all say "seriously, is this actually going anywhere?"