On Christmas Shopping

As the big day draws ever closer and people move into what could best be described as an unseemly retail frenzy, I thought that I, as former retailer*, would offer some thoughts on the subject of Christmas shopping.

1. Last Minute Christmas Shopping.

So, it is nearly Christmas, and so far you have managed to buy basically nothing for anyone other than yourself. However, you've noticed that other people have bought presents for you and have taken the time to send them to you. You feel a little bit guilty, and dread the sort of abuse and barely concealed disdain that you are going to get from your friends and family unless you pull your finger out and get some presents. Which means going out shopping during the last days (or day) before Christmas.

Yes, it is going to be unpleasant. In fact, it is going to look a lot like the Hobbesian state of nature out there in the retail world just before Christmas. And there is nothing you can do about that. Sorry, but you're basically fucked. You're going to have to endure the sort of trial that is worthy of the malign imagination of the Old Testament God. The best thing you can do is not whine about how awful it is. That way, you can save valuable energy that can be channelled into more important tasks, like aggressively barging into total strangers and knocking over toddlers in your desperate attempt to get some presents and then get the hell back to civilisation, ASAP.

Of course, there is something you can do to avoid this endurance test in future years. See, here's the trick. Christmas is on the same date every year. This means that you can plan for it. Seriously, plan ahead! Give it a go! You might find it works very well for you. And as part of that planning ahead, you might try shopping online. This is perhaps the best innovation of modern times. You can everything you need without having to get off your fat ass and leaving the comfort of your home. Sure, it won't stop the crowds at Christmas, but it will help to make sure that you are not part of those crowds.

2. Food Shopping.

I was always incredulous about how much people buy for Christmas. Sure, you want to have a nice meal and not run out of stuff, but seriously, people, the shops are only closed for a couple of days! In fact, a lot of stores now open on Boxing Day. You could, if you were so inclined, find some sort of Costcutter that was even open on Christmas Day. The message is simple - buy what you need. Don't buy as if Christmas is actually the End of Days, since all that is happening is a brief holiday for retailers. Not the collapse of civilisation as we know it.

And again, with pre-Christmas food shopping, a little forward planning is not a bad thing. There is no point in turning up on Christmas Eve at 4:30pm at your local supermarket, and demanding both a turkey and a loaf of bread. The supermarket is unlikely to have any - come the 27th, no-one is going to give the first fuck about turkey, so that would simply be dead space on the shelves. And any bread left over - or produce for that matter - is going to be only fit for the bin by the time the doors of the shop reopen. So yeah, the supermarket will be running down its stocks of fresh produce and Christmas related items. If you want a full supermarket and oodles of choice, go shopping now. Or at the very latest, first thing on Christmas Eve. Because come closing time, they're going to have the very definition of a limited choice...

*Albeit one who hated retail and resented customers.