The royal engagement

In its slightly gushing and sickening article on the coming royal wedding, the BBC asks:

What is your reaction to the news of the Royal engagement? What message would you like to send Prince William and Kate Middleton?

First question first, I think. What is my reaction to the news of the royal engagement? Well, the curiously ambivalent feeling of irritation and apathy. Apathy because I don't much care about a couple who I don't know, don't care about and will never meet getting engaged. Irritation because the whole world is going to bang on about this marriage right up until the day it dominates the UK's TV schedules and the two actually get married. I don't want to have to care about the royal wedding - I'd rather just forget about it. But the media, and the unthinking, dumb royalists who lap up this sort of shit, will almost certainly not let me.

As for sending a message - well, in the highly unlikely event that William and Kate care in any way, shape or form about my opinion, I'd like to send them individual messages. Kate - are you sure about this? With every passing day, William looks more like his father. And have you seen his father recently? You're going to end up married to a jug-eared oaf who wears a constant rictus grin on his face. He's not going to look better with age. And William - I'd just like to say that I think you are your family are an unacceptable burden on this country, and I really wish you would all have the dignity of pissing off out of the limelight and ending your dependance on the public purse.

I can't stomach the royal family - never been able to, and that is unlikely to change in the near future. Particularly since it appears that this latest bout of regal nuptials is going to force so much attention on such an undeserving family.

***EXCLUSIVE*** The Next Labour Leader is...

…*drum roll please*… apathy! Yes, the absolute winner of this leadership contest – the one who fought the best campaign, and really won people over – is apathy. Because despite this contest having gone on for ages, nothing really happened. In fact – despite the contest for the future of this party – the biggest Labour news story of the summer was around the sniping in Blair’s memoirs. It was about those who represent Labour’s past.

Seriously, the candidates could not have been more lacklustre in their campaigns. Ed Balls seemed to miss the point of what he’s meant to have been doing for the past five months. He’s been carping at the Tories but not really explaining to an understandably sceptical party (given his repugnant behaviour in the last parliament) why they should choose him as the new leader. The Milibands have sniped at each other like testy children in the back of a car on a long journey, while Burnham and Abbott may as well not have bothered. So much for having a big debate. All of the candidates have appeared to have nothing to say. Not so much making their cases to be leader, but rather being too afraid of saying something stupid that might cost them in their campaign. How cowardly. How Nu Labour.

The result of such a dull campaign is that people don’t care. Seriously, no-one out of the self-regarding and incestuous circle of Labour insiders cares about who’s going to be announced as the leader. They’ve failed to engage with the voters despite months of supposed debate about their future. In fact, they still seem to be struggling to understand that they lost the last election, and still think that they need to communicate their message better, rather than changing that message. 5 months of campaigning and debate about the future and they still haven’t reconciled themselves with the immediate past.

The next Labour leader should be worried – very worried. Because this contest has shown that they have a mountain to climb. The public doesn’t care about Labour – they’re just not interested. Meaning the next Labour leader has to get the attention of the people again before they can even consider making that public want to vote them again.

Startling news from the musical world:

Thom Yorke has assembled a new band featuring Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea and producer Nigel Godrich.

May I be the first person to say "oh" before walking away, looking disinterested.

Bye Bye Big Brother

Big Brother is set to end. I have to say I am surprised. I didn't realise it was still on.

I can't imagine that there will be many who mourn the passing of a programme that became increasingly outrageous and increasingly desperate. And as a result, became utterly irrelevant Ultimately, what is the legacy of Big Brother? That would be elevating Jade Goody to stardom, then relegating her back to the status of hate figure after her appearance on the Celebrity edition of the show.

Ultimately, Big Brother destroyed itself. Instead of maintaining its initial format of seeing how normal people respond to being under surveillance 24 hours a day, it decided to become a tabloid pleasing "persecute the freak" show. Which was fine, until the rest of the TV world caught up with it. Now there is no shortage of "persecute the freak" style shows. Britain's Got Talent, The Apprentice, Wife Swap - nowadays, there's no shortage of ways for the voyeuristic British viewer to get their fix of human detritus on the small screen.

Bye bye Big Brother. The reason why you're going is because you won't be missed.

The Cabinet - UK Tour '08!

I know a fair bit about the West Midlands. In fact, I used to live there. So trust me when I say there is very little to achieve by going there. Unless you want to get wasted on special offer Stella in a dubious theme pub.

And whilst it is tempting to picture David Miliband vomiting in a pub urinal, clutching a frayed leaflet that says "Miliband for Leader '08", I rather suspect that the purpose of the Cabinet's trip northwards was not a drinking binge. But it does rather beg the question what on earth was it for?

It certainly isn't going to help with the daunting, almost overwhelming, problems Britain is facing today. In fact, I think the words of George Osborne are spot on:

"The cabinet taking a day trip out of London is not going to solve Britain's economic problems. What will solve Britain's economic problems is clear and united leadership and we are not getting that from a government that is fighting itself."

So let's get this straight from the get go - this little jaunt by the Cabinet has nothing to do with policy. It is a grubby attempt to chase popularity. You can almost imagine the focus group, set up to imagine ways in which the government can reconnect with the people, coming up with this idea to show just how in touch the Cabinet is.

Of course, the problem with this idea is it just doesn't work. You could walk out onto the street right now and ask them whether they care where the Cabinet meetings are held. The vast majority will not care - and those that do probably don't care that much where the meetings are held. It doesn't matter whether they are held in public in Leicester Square or behind a ring of steel in the Downing Street bunker. Because the output of those meetings - the actual policies developed in Cabinet - are either non-existent or absolute rubbish.

Fundamentally, people don't really care whether the government is in touch with them. Does anyone really think that popular leaders - the Roosevelts, the Reagans, the Thatchers - are really in touch with the general public? Of course not! But those leaders are popular because they make (sometimes difficult) decisions that help people. The single greatest failing of the Brown government is that paralysis has descended and the Cabinet are completely unable to do anything that might actually make the situation better.

They can hold their meetings on fucking Mars for all I care - given the value of those meetings, the arid, airless landscape of a dead desert planet would probably be a good venue for the Cabinet to head to.

Snot worth a caution

It really was the Crime of the Century:

A boy was cautioned by police after pretending to sneeze and then wiping his hand on David Cameron's jacket as the Conservative leader visited Sussex.

The boy himself knew he did something wrong.

"It's not really that funny. I know it's not big. I just did it for a laugh."

But is this really an example of a *crime* that requires a caution? Boy behaves like tit to politician. I mean, some could say that he was making a valid political point. Cameron is best used as a receptacle for snot. It may not be that the most well thought through political point, and it is not that satirical. But really, is this sort of stupidity worth a caution?

Also, I think a lot of voters would have more time for Cameron had he twatted the boy in the side of the head for being a tit. Like that fat fuck Prescott did.

Election 2008: Don't Drop Out

The Democratic Primary Season is grumbling on in search of a victor, like an incontinent old woman in a supermarket, desperately trying to find the Tudor Rose sherry. It says something that even those in the Democratic party are getting concerned about the length of the contest. Not for the same reasons I am (i.e. sheer, raw, gnawing boredom), but rather because of fears of what will happen when a winner does finally emerge to take on the ancient John McCain. The BBC reports:

"Mrs Pelosi, a senior Democrat, told ABC News it was important to get behind one candidate if the party expected to win the White House in November."

And:

"Her comments come after those made by the Democrat's National Chairman, Howard Dean who said that he'd like to see the race concluded by early July."

Which rather defeats the point of democracy for me. I mean, surely the race should go on until either the end date occurs, or one of the candidates drops out of their own volition. Yeah, it might be inconvenient, but democracy will give you those downsides as well as giving you some benefits. Obama seems to have got this message – although I’d imagine the sentiments were expressed through clenched teeth in an angry, bitter tone:

"Mr Obama has distanced himself for calls for Mrs Clinton to concede the race, saying she should be able to compete as long as she is able and has supporters."

Quite. Although it is quite telling that neither Dean not Pelosi embrace one candidate over the other. Maybe both seem themselves as potential Vice-Presidential candidates. And an Obama-Pelosi ticket might prove to be very popular…

It is Civil War!

For the Liberal Democrats anyway. And civil war for the Liberal Democrats is like civil war in the Shetland Islands: terrible for those involved, but the rest of the world struggles to give a fuck.

Still, it is nice that the Liberal Democrats are again getting some of the limelight. After all, the only really get attention when they ditch one of their leaders with all the dignity of a Tory peer wiping tramp scat off his shoe. Perhaps this has all been part of Clegg's plan: to win column inches by getting people-whose-names-I-can't-remember-despite-looking-at-the-above-link -just-moments-ago to resign.

Those who might describe the Liberal Democrat resignations as a political earthquake are actually describing the political equivalent of the Lincoln earthquake: terrifying and unsettling to those involved, but everyone else fails to see what has happened at the same time as wondering what all these strange people are doing on the news when we actually had no real idea they ever existed.

See, the Liberal Democrats are the third party in this country. They are also about as politically important as a discarded flyer from the 2005 election. They don't really matter. They remain a forum of those who play at political power.

I appreciate the immediate irony of someone who has just joined the very definition of a minor party dissing the Lib Dems for being irrelevant. But they are. Seriously, they have had their go, and they should just fuck off. They used to be a major force in UK politics. Of course, that was around the time of the First World War, and when they were a different party called something different. Since then, on every occasion when they have had the opportunity to become the opposition in the UK (again - like 1983 or 2001) they have taken the opportunity, and pissed it up the wall. They seem incapable of doing anything other than cannibalising their own leaders every couple of years, and should really step out of the lime light. So I say, "Go on, Senior Lib Dem leaders. Go on. Go and do whatever it is former Lib Dems do. Like work in a call centre. Or push trolleys around a supermarket car park. Or wipe the dribble off grannies in a home. Just go and do something else. Your time has been and gone. And stop crying, Chris Huhne. We know you never got your time as leader. That's because you are odious."

Of course, there is not a hope in hell that the Lib Dems will actually do as I ask, particularly if the next election creates a hung parliament. Then you will see that insufferable prig Nick Clegg prancing his way across our TV screens, wielding the sort of power that no pompous twit should ever have. Part of me almost wishes that is there is a hung parliament that Gordon Brown and David Cameron reach some sort of accord*, and elect to support each other if only so they can rub Liberal Democrat faces in just how much of an irrelevance they are.

Of course, such a union will never happen. But let us always dream of the Liberal Democrat disappearing (even further) up their own arseholes, and vanishing altogether, leaving the way clear for a genuinely radical third party. It is a long shot, but it is worth hoping for...

*I don't actually wish for this, as it might keep that total fucking bastard Gordon Brown in power. And that is in the Top 10 of worst case scenarios. Right after viral apocalypse.

Showcasing the Talentless

Via Mr E (and it is well worth following that link, if only for the funniest picture of Adrian Mole, - sorry, David Miliband- that I think I have ever seen) I see that Gordon Brown is pushing the "bright young things" of his cabinet in an attempt to reinvigorate his beleaguered premiership.

Of course, if you have been in the job for less than a year and are already having to re-launch yourself, then things really aren’t going well. But understanding that is going to be a little complex for someone lacking in self awareness as much as that prig Brown.

However, one paragraph really springs out in this article:

Mr Purnell, 37, Ed Balls, 40, his wife Yvette Cooper, 37, Mr Burnham 38, David Miliband 42, his brother Ed, 37, Ruth Kelly 39, and Douglas Alexander, 40, will be encouraged by Mr Brown to make an impression with the public and to show that they have radical ideas. "Their talents will be showcased," an adviser said.

Two points. First of all, it is difficult to imagine that dour git encouraging anyone to do anything. I mean, what does he do when he encourages people? Bring them into his dank, dark office and sit there, bullying them into doing what he wants? Does he threaten to cut their faces if they don’t bend to his egregious, self-serving will, and carry out his evil deeds? And what on earth does Brown – a man afraid of his own shadow – mean by radical? Radical for his government would be not fucking up or accepting corrupt donations for five minutes.

And then, the wonderful, and no doubt ironic, statement of "their talents will be showcased". Seriously, what? Those terrible, odious little shits listed in that paragraph? Showcase their talents?

Well, that shouldn’t take long then.

Today's the day!

Today is the day when we learn who will be the new Lib Dem leader. The tedium is almost palpable: which of these two interchangeable Cameronlites (and it really takes something to make Cameron look like a heavyweight) will it be?

I rather favour Calamity Clegg - he may be less competent, but somehow he comes across as less egregious than Hideous Huhne. But ultimately I couldn't give a flying fuck either way. And I rather suspect that I am not alone in that sentiment...

So here is the question that is more pertinent than "which will it be?" - "does anyone really care?"

UPDATE:

Chris Clegg it is. Nick Huhne must be really disappointed. But can take some comfort that, given the current turnover of Lib Dem leaders, he will get a pop at it again in 18 months.