Thanks to the BBC for their new "Air disasters timeline". Should really help with my fear of flying. Almost as much as the deceptively named Airsafe does.

Mind you, the last time I tried to fly anywhere, the problem wasn't so much what happened in the air, but rather the inability of the airline to get us off the fucking ground in the first place...

The Absolute Incompetence of Our Government

It is difficult to know who pissed me off the most when I was trapped in Japan: the airline, who were total cunts; the people who sold us the bus tickets, who underestimated the duration of the journey by 24 hours; the Danes on the bus who showed themselves to be complete and total selfish wankers; hell, there is no shortage of potential candidates. But I think the people who pissed me off the most were the British government.

Don't get me wrong, I had minimal interactions with the government while I was away. The only things I did was to have a brief conversation with the British embassy in Japan, and then ignore the advice on offer from the government via the media. But the government's behaviour during the course of this crisis has been both shameful and utterly incompetent. Put very simply, the government do not give a flying fuck about its own citizens.

Let's look at the evidence. Initially, as this arsing volcano began to pump disruptive ash into the sky, the government acted quickly - by closing British air space. But they never seemed to stop and consider what this would mean for British people who were trapped abroad. In fact, the government was so apathetic towards those who couldn't get home that all the embassies closed over the weekend. People were trapped abroad, living in airports, with no real way of reaching the government that is supposed to represent them and their interests.

It might not sound like much - having to stay in an airport - but then you have to factor in that many people in those airports did not have the money to pay to eat. Or wash. People also had limited medication for conditions like epilepsy, diabetes and asthma. The longer people have to stay in an airport, the more likely it is that people would get ill. And possibly very ill. But the government didn't seem to do anything until Monday/Tuesday. They didn't seem to stop and think of the implications of people being stranded. They really did not seem to care.

But in the end they did seem to come up with a plan. They told everyone to go to Spain, where they would be rescued by the Navy. Of course, those with no money couldn't afford to travel to Spain, and for those in countries like, say, Japan, there is no direct flight to Spain. But it turned out to be irrelevant anyway, because the government had no intention of getting the Navy out to Spain. CNN was reporting on Wednesday evening that the government instead was busing people, fifty at a time, to Calais.

And then the plan changed again. Everyone now had to get themselves to Calais. Where they... could wait for a ferry. And from the stories I was getting on Thursday, that could be a long wait. Stories were circulating of duvets and blankets being handed out in Calais, because there was no way of getting the sheer number of people needing to get back in reasonable time. The government fucked the people who got to Spain, and who got to Calais. And it also created chaos in both Northern Spain and Calais, by offering advice without thinking about what impact that advice would have. It shafted those stranded abroad and in doing so, it shafted France and Spain. A magnificently shitty piece of work from a government who have come to almost define incompetence.

Thomas Hobbes said that the only reason why we should give power to a sovereign/government is if that sovereign/government can guarantee our security. The government over the past week has shown just how little it cared for the security and the well-being of a great many of its citizens stranded abroad. Now Hobbes was quite clear on what should happen if a sovereign/government ceased to look after its people - it should be replaced. So let's remember this government's cack-handed and indifferent treatment of those people stranded abroad by a natural disaster, and let's work together to ensure that this piss awful government is replaced once and for all.

Getting home from Japan

So, my wife and I spent our honeymoon in Japan. If you haven't been then you should seriously consider doing so - it is a fantastic country. Of course, it is a long flight there, but that's nothing to worry about. Assuming, of course, that there isn't some sort of bastard volcano in bastard Iceland. If there is, then you're largely fucked.

Which is precisely the situation we found ourselves in when we went to the airport to fly back last Sunday.

Of course, most airlines helped in some way. And our one was no exception. They gave us a premium rate number to call to rebook the cancelled flight, and a couple of sleeping bags. And that was it. On ringing the premium rate number, we found that we could get on a waiting list of around 200 people or wait until mid-May to get a guaranteed flight. It became very clear very quickly that our airline was going to be as much use as syphilis - irritating, pointless, and something to get the hell away from.

So we were on our own. We were in, relative to the UK, a very remote part of the world, trapped in the frigging airport. With dwindling cash reserves and nowhere to sleep, backed up by an insurance company that had suddenly become deeply Christian given the talk of the volcano being an "act of God". If we were going to get back anytime before my birthday (May 4th, fact fans) and therefore keep our jobs then we needed to find another airline to get us back. Or at least to get us as far as they could given the ash cloud hovering over Europe.

Which, it turns out, was Istanbul.

So we flew there on Monday, having got extremely costly standby seats. It was good to have travelled two thirds of the way home. The problem, of course, lay in the third of the way home still to go. We couldn't fly, what with Europe still existing in the invisible shadow of the ash cloud. We couldn't get a train, unless we wanted to wait for five days in order to board one. So there was only one option open to us. The bus. Which, the collection of random, lying salesmen told us, would only take 24 hours.

And thus, in the early hours of Tuesday morning, we set off for Germany. We went through Turkey (it was dark, so I have no idea what the country was like, other than noting that the border guard was a wanker), Bulgaria (such a poor country), Romania (beautiful countryside), Hungary (night again, and I'm pretty sick of looking out of a bus window by the time we got to that country), Austria (fuck me, when is this coach ride ever going to end?) and finally Germany (oh Jesus, oh please Jesus, let me get off this fucking bus). And then, 48 hours after we set off (and having endured a failed attempt by Danish tourists to turn the bus into their own personal taxi), we arrived in Dusseldorf. At 2am. Fortunately, we found a hotel very easily, and managed to get 2 hours sleep. And wash. I don't know whether anyone reading this has ever spent 48 hours on a bus, but by the time you get to your destination, you really need to wash.

The next morning we left Germany on another bus (the trains were still full) and passed into Belgium. We reached the North coast, where an overnight ferry took us to Hull. Actually, the ferry was quite pleasant - if only because there was food, sleep, and the chance to relax for the first time in days. From Hull, it was just a short train journey - well, three hours, but that's nothing after having been on the road for about six days - home.

The flight home was meant to last for 12 hours. It took us six days - twelve times that amount of time - to actually get home.

There are some people who tell us that we were part of history, or that we had an adventure or some sort of extended holiday. They are all right in some ways, but they miss the most important point. Namely that spending six days and a fuck load of cash getting home just isn't fun, no matter how people try to spin it. We weren't alone in the massive inconvenience and stress caused by this volcano, but that doesn't make the long journey home any easier to stomach.

Back in the UK

Regular readers will have noted a distinct lack of activity on this blog for nearly a week. The reason is simple - that fucking volcanic eruption in Iceland meant that my wife and I were trapped in Japan for a couple of days, and have spent the rest of the time fighting to get back to the UK in a epic journey across Europe. They'll be more on this later - probably a lot more. But first I'm going to enjoy the feeling of not having to travel anywhere for a little bit.

But getting across Europe was expensive - very expensive, and we're considerably out of pocket. So if anyone is feeling generous, please do click on the donate button in the sidebar and give anything you can to help rebuild our shattered finances.

Ta muchly.