Translating political speak

There are some detailed posts to come about Gordon Brown's insanity (and whether it matters) and about why we should be nicer to bankers. But this morning my brain is a little like stew and both posts require more thought before I belch them forth onto the interweb. So whilst they ferment away, like mould in an unwashed coffee cup, I give you the Nameless Libertarian's guide to translating the phrases that spew from the malformed gobs of modern politicians:

I have complete confidence in the minister: Either he resigns, or I sack him.

I can categorically deny all wrong-doing: I cannot believe you caught me!

Change you can believe in: Policies to follow. Maybe. But the phrase sounds nice, doesn't it? So vote for me anyway.

We've decontaminated the brand: Any policies or ideological backbone of this party are dead and gone.

I'm a pretty straight kind of guy: Ha ha, I'm fucking lying and you know it.

Economic stimulus package: If we throw money at it, maybe the recession will just vanish.

We are going to do all we can for those who have lost their jobs: We're really hoping that a meaningless platitude will make you feel better, because it is all we've got.

These measures are vital for national security: It is always easier to rob you of your civil liberties if we scare you a bit first.

The committee completely exonerated me of all wrong-doing: The committee effectively called me a cunt but I'm going to hone in on the smallest of small loopholes in their verdict to try to disguise the fact that I am utterly, utterly corrupt.

That's it from me - if you can think of any others, stick them in the comments section...