Saving The Tube!

I'm not sure whether these adverts are meant to be taken seriously or not, but there seems to be a new way of saving the tube. It is a strategy of preaching peace, love and understanding to all tube users. And it is communicating the message through patronising posters with trite little trade offs, like "If you won't listen to loud music... then I won't eat my smelly food."

It is a bold strategy, particularly when you consider that the real problems of the tube are overcrowding, escalating prices, irregular services and generally terrible standards. Perhaps a more accurate appraisal of the strategy might be "shit". It certainly isn't as great as my plan for tube recovery, in my humble opinion. Which is basically to rip out all the tube trains, remove the rails, and then push herds of donkeys into the tube. When a passenger wants to go somewhere, they get strapped onto a donkey. You then give that donkey a shot of adrenaline, and hit it on the hind quarters with a stick. It races off into the darkness of the tube tunnel. Sure, they might be teething problems, and it is not really taking into account the welfare of the donkeys involved. Some people might not make their correct tube stops. But it sounds a lot more humane for the tube passengers than the frankly dreadful experience I had this morning. And pretty much every time I step into the Tunnels Of Doom (TM).

The adverts (you'll know them if you've seen them - sorry, can't source a link) are going to do precisely nothing to help with the situation on the tube. Let's have a look at three of them:

"...you don't eat your smelly food..."

Frankly, I couldn't give two fucks about what you are eating. In fact, if you can force you way through the masses of tube users to actually find some space to eat, then you've earned your meal.

The smell that really worries me is that guy. That fat guy over there. You know, the obese oaf who looks like a brick shit house. If that brick shit house has let itself go. A lot. The guy who fills the air with a radius of about 100 metres around him with dank BO. The guy with the sweat stains on his T-shirt - not just under his pits but also under his sweaty bitch-tits. The guy who looks like he is going to create a sweat monsoon, and wipe out the carriage in a flash flood. The smell of him worries me more than the smell of your food.

So feel free to eat your smelly grub. Go for it. All I ask is that you occasionally waft it under my nose, to help me drown out the smell of Fatty McFat Fat Fat Fat over in the corner.

"...I won't talk on my mobile..."

Again, feel free to. If you can. If you can actually find a signal on the tube, then you've won the right to talk on your mobile. You can even have sordid phone sex with your lover for all I care. At least it reminds us all that there is life - and therefore hope - outside of this rattling tin sarcophagus.

"...I'll say thank you if you give me your seat..."

Well, I would give you my seat, but unfortunately I don't have a seat. In fact, I barely have standing room, what with Fatty McFat Fat Fat Fat taking up half the carriage. The only time when I am actually on the tube and have space to sit is after closing time in the pubs. When no-one will sit near me anyway because of the twitching - twitching because I'm dying for a piss at the same time as wishing I had been to the toilet before I left the last pub.

"...I won't play my loud music..."

Actually, I will play my loud music. For two reasons. First of all, it drowns at that terrible shrieking of the chavs on the carriage. Get them to shut up, then I'll think about turning down my music. Although I probably won't. On the grounds my music is just about the only thing that is keeping me sane on the hellish, claustrophobic tube. It is the only one thing that stops me from beating the next person who jostles me to death with my shoe. Or strangle them with the strap of my man bag (my one concession to metro sexuality). See, it is actually in every one's best interest if I listen to loud music on the tube.

In fact, it would be in every one's best interest to follow the same strategy as the one I use on the tube. It can be summarised as follows: get on only when you really have to, and get off again as soon as you possibly can. Anything else, on an out of date mass transport system in a hopelessly over crowded city, is a mad - and money wasting - dream.