Spammer's Paradise

I'm (still) ill. I've been ill all week. And whilst I thought I was getting better yesterday, today has seen somewhat of a relapse. And all day at work I have had a bastard with a claw hammer raking it against the inside of my skull, whilst my lungs have felt like they have a rabid, but strangely lusty, porcupine rubbing up against them. I kind of figure this is how Amy Winehouse feels, 24-7. Except I haven't had the dubious pleasure of smoking crack.

Illness increases my general air of grumpiness and misanthropy. Rest assured, though, I haven't taken it out on anyone at work. Although I did learn today that the model for effective coaching isn't "kick-kill-kick", but rather "kiss-kick-kiss"*. Still, that trainee got off lightly. A kiss from me today might pass on whatever plague has descended on me. And created some HR issues, no doubt.

Anyway, I'm losing my way with this post, so let's get it back on track. One of the things I do when I am under the weather is look at the titles to the e-mails in my spam folder. Rest assured I don't open them. Oh no. I read in The Daily Mail, or some other hatefilled, repulsive rag that anyone who reads a spam e-mail will have an illegal immigrant send paedos round to their house to give them AIDS and gayness, at the same time as robbing their bank account and reducing their house value through a Facebook party. Or something like that. All the hate in those sort of papers blurs into one for me after a while.

Sorry. Off track again. Seriously, though, some of these titles - and the senders's names - are great. The biblically named Isiah David has sent me "Best offer in gambling history!" Thanks, Isiah. If this turns out to be a massive con, do I get my money back? Thought not... Irene Connor, who sounds like a member of the cast of Last of the Summer Wine, wants to inform me of "Real Penis Enlargment". I'm assumong Irene wants me to undergo a penis enlargement, with is frankly both rude and judgmental. Then we have GENEVA Andel, who has sent me an e-mail with the title "too sexy for youtube". Not sure whether they are referring to their e-mail, themselves or me. Natwest are also doing a sterling job, advising me of their security measures. A fact made doubly nice by the fact I don't bank with them! And finally, my favourite: the titles that just say "Re:". That could fool me - after all, I don't title all my e-mails, so the reply won't have a title either. However, I know I have never e-mailed someone called "ezri tran". I just wouldn't. On principle. The principle that it is a fucking stupid name.

All I can say is thank God for my spam filter, protecting me from these evil spammers. Now, let's open this e-mail in my inbox from the Canadian Pharmacy. Not contacted them before, so I like their proactive aproach. And I will be intrigued to see their prices for Viagra....

*Sometimes known as the shit sandwich. We can't call it that at work. Well, more properly, we shouldn't call it that I work. I do. Which is why I sometimes get into trouble.