Election 2008: McCain Wins in the Republican and Democratic Primaries

McCain has won the Republican nomination for President! I mean, like, wow. We actually have a nominee for President. Mind you, it has taken him long enough. After all, he first ran for President in 2000. Eight years is a loooonnnngg run for the Presidency. I guess that’s what happens when you get old. Had he run in 1988 or 1992, he might have got the nomination in just months. Now he’s an older man, it just takes longer to do everything, what with the aches and pains, and just not being able to walk as fast as he once could. Shame he didn’t win in 2000 – he might have saved us from the terrible Bush Junior Administrations. But fair play – he’s won now. Well done, John. I’m proud.

I’m particularly pleased that he has knocked the ludicrous Mike Huckabee from the race. Huckabee’s campaign strategy, of waiting for a fricking miracle, has been proven to be a sack of shit. I’d love to run up to Huckabee now and scream in his face "Where’s your God now, Huckabee? Where’s your God now? You cunt!" Furthermore, the fact that he has dropped out of the race means that he no longer has Secret Service Protection, which is good for me as I would be less likely to be shot in the face for screaming at a would-be President like a demented loon.

The Democrats are still fighting, though, after Clinton managed to resurrect her Presidential bid like Frankenstein in a shitty Hammer Horror sequel. If I was Obama, I’d be really pissed off about now. The Democrats are flirting with him like a dog on heat, only to reject whenever he seems poised to deliver that knock-out blow. I’d be angry and frustrated if I was him, and irritated like hell at Clinton.

Which may yet be Clinton’s strategy – to irritate Obama out of the race. Never to quite kick his ass, but to deny him victory for long enough to make him leave the race in a frustrated huff. It may not be the best strategy, but it pisses all over Huckabee’s.

But the continuation of the Democratic bitchfest means that McCain is the clear winner of both the Democrat and Republican primaries yesterday. He is now able to concentrate on attacking the Democrats and planning his General Election campaign. He must be chuckling with laughter, and rubbing his podgy little belly as he watched Obama and Clinton rip into each other like hysterical lovers on The Jeremy Kyle Show. They could be making his passage to the White House really easy…