The won'tsomeonethinkofthechildren brigade is out in force:

Parents need much more help in protecting children from online porn, a review commissioned by the prime minister is to say.

The Bailey Review says parents should be able to buy computers, devices or internet services with adult content already blocked, rather than having to impose controls themselves.

And we've got some sort of prattling jackanape on hand to clarify exactly what needs to happen:

"Whilst most parents regularly check what their children are viewing online, and set up parental controls and filtering software, they remain concerned because they are not as internet savvy as their children.

"That's why I am calling for a new approach where all customers have to make an active choice over whether they allow adult content or not. This is something internet service providers have told me is workable."

Now, I've got a plan that should enable this problem to be resolved - it basically requires parents to start acting like, well, responsible adults and looking after their spawn. Don't think you're as internet savvy as your kids? Well, do something about it and learn about the internet. Here, I'll even help you - over 1,660,000 suggestions in response to typing "how to stop children accessing porn on the internet" into Google.

I don't have a problem with the idea that ISPs could offer a service whereby porn sites are automatically blocked - if there is a market for it, they'll probably be well up for it. But I do object to the idea that everyone has to make an active choice about whether adult content is allowed or not. All those who don't have kids or who are responsible parents shouldn't have to talking to fucking ISPs about such things - particularly not because of a minority of feckless and/or utterly stupid parents.

But that's nothing compared to the biggest problem I have with this sort of idea - namely, the implication that the population has now become so bovine and mindless that it can't seem to do anything without a government report and without government intervention. This all implies that people are now so incapable of even looking after their children without the government doing something. To all those who need this sort of help when it comes to da interwebs - get a grip. If you're old enough to have children surfing the internet, you are also old enough to be a responsible adult. So start acting like one.

Sausages = Evil

Yes, oh yes, sausages are the new evil that will, in full on Daily Mail style, give you cancer. But it is not just sausages that may kill you through consumption. Oh no. As some medical type (referred to as "Prof" by The Metro, natch) notes:

'Whether you are talking about bacon, ham or pastrami, the safest amount to eat is none at all. You can make a positive difference by cutting out as much as possible.'

Jesus H Christ, I will never have another sausage again! Or ham! Or Pastrami! I wonder whether Spam is okay? Fucking hell, I think we all need to know whether Spam is ok! How come the Prof didn’t mention Spam? It has got some ham in, but loads of other stuff as well. We need to know whether it is ok! There are going to be hundreds of processed meat obsessives, following the advice of the Professor, desperately seeking Spam as a substitute for processed meat! And the negligent fucker didn’t even bother to tell us whether it is ok to eat Spam. What a cunt.

More seriously, The Metro gives a slightly more tangible target for those of us who are not going to drop processed meats like a shitty stick. Apparently:

"Eating just one sausage or three rashers of bacon a day can increase the risk of developing bowel cancer by a fifth, it is being claimed."

At first, it sounds like not a lot. But sit down and work it out. One sausage a day is 7 sausages a week. Or 365 a year. Three rashers of bacon a day is 21 a week, 1092 a year! 1457 bits of processed meat a year increases your risk of bowel cancer. No, really? Crazy stuff.

This front page story should be news to precisely no-one. It can be summarised as "being a greedy bastard may affect your health." But ultimately anything consumed to excess could damage your health. Even water and stuff. But if you have most things in moderation then you should be ok. Both common sense and even the most basic levels of education should make this obvious. Which makes me wonder which of those two the British public is lacking in. And, with a sinking feeling, I realise that, for some people, it will be both.

*Obviously I’m not advocating having things like cyanide, even in small quantities. Oh no. Not going to risk opening that can of worms.