5 films to watch on Halloween

Let's be clear about this - the following five horror movies are not the best horror movies of all time. You could find better horror movies to watch on Halloween (if you are so inclined). But these films - as disparate as they might at first appear - are thematically linked. And I find the theme linking them fascinating and they all contain something that makes a horror film at least unsettling, if not properly chilling.

And it is fair to say that there are spoilers ahead.

First up, with have The Omen. A film notorious for its increasingly inventive death scenes (something that would come to dominate the franchise), the film includes the impaling of a former Doctor Who and the decapitation of a key character. It is also a masterwork in faux pomposity, even down to inventing a poem from the Bible to add credence to its really rather ludicrous story. Yet the reason why this film remains credible in my eyes has nothing to do with the fancy deaths or the admirable efforts by all concerned to play their roles with a straight face despite some of the outlandish scenarios and the wince-inducing dialogue. At the heart of this film there is a force so powerful, and so unstoppable, that as soon as you come into conflict with its malign intentions it kills you. You can't run; it will find you and despatch you. The Exorcist may have had the spinal tap sequence, the vomiting, the weird nightmares and the aggressive demon, but in the end the Church saves the day and the little girl is Ok. Contrast this with the ending to The Omen - the heroes are all dead and the demon child is now with the President of the United States of America. All the efforts of those on the side of the good were for naught - evil wins.

Which is also true in Paranormal Activity. Of course, this film doesn't have spectacular death scenes. It didn't have the money to film such things. Instead, what it does have is an unstoppable force that, despite the best efforts of the couple at the centre of the film (which are a lot more credible than those in The Omen but just as ineffective), is always going to win. And in a sense, the demon in Paranormal Activity is than the satanic forces at play in The Omen. See, in The Omen people die when they try to interfere with the progress of the antichrist. In Paranormal Activity the main characters have done nothing to warrant the haunting and the eventual death/possession. The demon is just fucking with them because it can. It is a chilling concept - something far more malign and powerful than you decides to terrify, stalk, attack and then possess you and kill your lover. In fact, that force - given it is invisible - might even be in the room with you now... but that's enough of that.

You could argue that the students in The Blair Witch Project have done something to invoke the witch's wrath - although the witch's revenge does seem a little excessive for the "crime" of simply shooting a documentary on her manor. Nonetheless, The Blair Witch Project fits in with our theme, as the trio of would-be documentary makers end up at the mercy of an unseen, malevolent force determined to stalk, terrify, and then remove them from the face of the earth. True, some people don't rate The Blair Witch Project but for me it works because it makes its main characters so helpless. To a large extent it is a claustrophobic film despite being filmed in the open air, because the power of the witch is such that she manages to make the forest into a prison that the protagonists just cannot escape from. The fact that the witch - like the demon in Paranormal Activity - is unseen merely adds to the feeling that the power of the supernatural element in the film is massive.

You can see who the source of evil is in The Medusa Touch - he's played by Richard Burton and everything. But this underrated, clever little film slowly chips away at the methodical, orderly approach taken by the police investigating an attempted murder and shows the awesome power in the mind of the antagonist. This is a man who makes Carrie White look tame - he has the power to destroy space missions, to make planes crash into buildings and - in the climax of the film - "bring the whole edifice down on their unworthy heads" as he destroys a Westminster Abbey filled with the ruling elite. The fact that the police managed to save some from the disaster is a pyrrhic victory; the final scene shows that the human monster has another - potentially must more devastating - target in mind. And he is still able to attack despite having been beaten into a bloody pulp and having been ripped off a life support machine. Such is the level of his misanthropy that effectively being killed will not stop the carnage.

You can also see the menace in the remake of Dawn of the Dead - although in this case it is not one man, but a whole world suddenly filled with cannibalistic zombie maniacs. The premise is not a million miles away from most zombie films - if you go outside, someone's going to bite off your face. But where this version of Dawn of the Dead succeeds is in making the situation in which the characters find themselves so utterly hopeless. The female lead only survives the initial outbreak through blind luck, and the mall that provides a brief respite is also located mainly through luck. When the group do try to do something to better their situation, it tends to go badly wrong. Trying to make things better in this film comes with a hefty body count. And this film does what surprisingly few zombie films are prepared to do - it ends with a clear indication (if you watch through the credits) that there is no option of sailing off happily into the sunset - in fact, the end of humanity is here, crushed under the weight of a world of zombies, and there is no hope.

Which is what makes all five films so striking - the evil/malign forces at play in each film are so powerful that the humans in the films are rendered helpless in the face of those forces. It doesn't matter whether it is satanic forces, or a demon/witch or a world full of zombies, whatever you do against them, you will fail and they will ultimately destroy you. Films like this strike at one of the fundamental (yet often false) assumptions many people have - that you are in control of what happens to you. These films depict far more powerful forces rendering individuals helpless even over questions of their own survival. And on so many levels, that is true horror for a good many people.

Enjoy your Halloween!

5 movies that...

...are nightmares; not in the sense of being bad, but rather that the overall themes and feel of the movies are nightmarish. Inevitably, most of these movies are horrors:

5: π: A trip into the paranoid world of a maths genius who may or may not be able to predict the activity of the stock market. He is stalked by others; by businesses, and by cult leaders, and his grasp of reality is fading by the second. Furthermore, like the film at number 1, it is all shot in black and white, just to make it look a little more weird. Still, there's nothing in the film that quite compares to the unique - and definitely not recommended - solution to genius that this film provides.

4: Inception: Yep, it is about dreams, so it is an obvious choice in some ways. Except that it is a strikingly good film about dreams. This isn't about dreaming, it is about being lost in a dream. About a world where everything is disjointed and weird; where you can float and fight and cheat death but never quite attain reality. And, for me, it contains hints - especially at the end - of the dream from which you cannot escape... and even if you think you have, how can you be sure? It is like one of those dreams where you think you've woken up, but you never quite have got back to reality.

3: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: It isn't just that Leatherface is a mighty, monstrous figure who just cannot be stopped, even after he slices his own leg with a chainsaw. And it isn't just about the fact that no matter who you meet you tend to end up back in the arms of that murderous lunatic. No, it is the little touches to the film. Like the intro sequence, that involves carcasses, bones, and a chicken stuffed into a bird cage. Those little signals that show a messed-up mind. That's what moves this film from being a scary horror into a nightmare movie.

2: Videodrome: In which David Cronenberg takes the concept of reality, and - through the world of Max Renn - fucks with it so much that it becomes a nonsensical concept. Reality? Forget reality. If you ever knew what reality was, then you'll be hard placed to find the moment at which you parted company with it. Your world, right now, is most probably the result of a brain tumour caused by the actions of a puritanical cult keen to make society pure again. Or it might be down to the prophecies of a possibly deluded tele-evangelist coming true. Whatever, that kinky porn you've been trying to sell hasn't been that good for you. Oh, and that itch in your stomach, it's not an itch. It's a lethal, gun-spewing vagina growing right in your belly. The best thing you can go is join the new flesh. Which involves suicide.

And you thought life as a pornographer would be fun.

1: Eraserhead: When I first watched this film, I thought it would just be a standard horror film. I could not have been more wrong. The world of Eraserhead is a world mired in absolute, unremitting stress. It is the movie of an awkward, maladjusted yet well-meaning man who just doesn't understand the social conventions of the world in which he has to live. It isn't a horror; it is quite literally a nightmare, and a nightmare that moves up a gear in its ability when the freakish baby puts in an appearance. This is a great, a brilliant piece of film-making. It is also the nightmare movie. The first time I watched it, I ended up with a stress headache. But if you haven't watched it, don't let this put you off. It really is one of those films that you have to watch.

"In heaven, everything is fine" the song says. Given how stressful the world of Eraserhead is, that makes sense even to an atheist like me.

Agreement, criticisms, vacant assertions; allow me to recommend the comments section of this post to you.

5 movies that...

...are not that well-known, but absolute gems.

5. Office Space: A silly comedy that can be enjoyed by anyone who has done a soulless office job. The insanity of office bureaucracy, the minor irritations of an office that become overwhelming and the sheer thoughtlessness of an unthinking management class are all mocked in this film. Furthermore, it also shows the idiocy of much of what passes for management consultancy, and how the right buzzwords can make up for an absolute lack of talent or business acumen. Plus, it gleefully and openly steals an idea from Superman III - a really nice touch as far as I am concerned.

4. Monkey Shines: Ok, this sounds more than a little silly - a paraplegic gets a helper monkey with whom he has a psychic link. And said monkey acts on said paraplegic occasional murderous rages. But the film is actually filmed in a gritty and realistic way, and has some moments of real tension. The climax in particular is a strikingly well-made piece of cinema - as the paraplegic tries to stop his monkey's killing spree despite not being able to move. His ultimate solution to the problem is simultaneously creative and grim.

Oh, and if you ever wanted to know how a paraplegic could have sex with a woman, this film will show you...

3. Zero Day: Two gawky, awkward teenagers are making a film about their lives. They are basically the losers at their local school, unpopular and seemingly isolated except for their friendship. However, it quickly becomes apparent that they are making the film for a reason - it is their testament to the world, designed to be seen after they die; after they have gone on a killing spree.

The film details their preparations for their attack, mixing the domestic with the chilling. Perhaps most strikingly, it manages to make the two protagonists appear as calm and reasonable people - no mean feat given what they are planning. And then you get the final ten or so minutes of the film: footage from the security camera in the school cafeteria, as they put their plan into action.

Remorseless and chilling; rather like the actions that end this film.

2. Halloween III: Season of the Witch: It doesn't have a witch in it, and nor does it have Michael Myers - which is why it sank at the box office. But this is a true undiscovered classic. It is a clever, unsettling and with some real moments of (non-gratuitous) horror. Sure, elements of the story are a bit ball-sack (the theft of Stonehenge, for example, is a part of the story that just does not need to be there), but it is the sort of film that becomes more and more compelling right up until the final scenes, which represent a desperate race against time to prevent a national catastrophe.

Plus, it has a catchy and deeply irritating song in it for the mask adverts. Altogether now: "happy, happy halloween, halloween, halloween, happy, happy halloween Silver Shamrock."

1. Requiem for a Dream: Whereas other films about drug addiction either make it so bleak that the film becomes almost unwatchable (see the compelling but incredibly Christiane F) or make it look at bit cool in a glib way (yes, Trainspotting, I'm talking about you), Requiem for a Dream is a stylishly directed film with a well-paced plot that doesn't pull its punches when it comes to the reality of addiction. Crucially, this isn't just about illegal drugs - it shows what happens when someone becomes addicted to legal diet pills as well. It is a claustrophobic, well-directed movie with a brilliant soundtrack - it is the sort of movie that stays with you long after the end credits have stopped rolling.

Any additions, well, you know where the comments section is.

5 movies that...

...I have no intention of ever watching even though other people bang on about them all the time:

5. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels: I have no desire to waste a couple of hours of my life watching some mockney cunt playing out his gangster fantasies on the big screen. Oh, and having Vinnie Jones in your film doesn't make it cooler, it just undermines it.

4. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: I know it got a lot of plaudits when it was released, but it actually is just a bog standard love story told in reverse. There is nothing special about this idea other than the growing younger conceit - and if I want to watch something on that subject, I'd go with Golden Years.

3. The Godfather II: I thought the first one was so boring that it basically constitutes a crime against humanity so I have no desire whatsoever to watch the second film in the series. The same for the third one, but in fairness, people don't rave as much about that one.

2. Enter the Dragon: I have no interest in Bruce Lee or any of his films. They don't so much leave me cold as leave me utterly uninterested. Plus, I suspect that if you aren't into martial arts this film would actually be utter bollocks... which means I'm pretty sure that I would find this film to be utter bollocks.

1. Chicago: a musical gangster movie starring Richard Gere and Catherine Zeta-Jones is, conceptually, the sort of thing that should be condemned to an eternity in development hell. The fact is was made startles me - the fact that intelligent people have watched it and liked it is nearly beyond belief. I'd rather watch one of the Police Academy sequels then this - they're as ludicrous as this film sounds to me, but at least they don't have songs in them.

Feedback and violent disagreement in the comments section, please.

5 movies that...

...are massively overrated. The first in an occasional series where I write (what I hope to be) controversial stuff about movies. In this installment, let's look at five of the films that are generally regarded as classics but leave me colder than an ice-cream in the Artic. First up:

5: The Godfather: Very well made, and with a sense of reality often missing from the many mob movies that followed. The big problem with it is that it is boring. And not just a bit boring:really boring. And that is pretty much it. It basically consists of Al Pacino looking intense and Marlon Brando mumbling like a stroke victim. I whooped when Brando's character died - if only because I assumed that the film must nearly be over. More fool me...

4: The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings: Fuck me, this was a massive anti-climax when I first saw it. I'd read the books when I was a teenager and loved them. The radio series was even better - it transported me to Middle Earth. Then came the film... where Middle Earth was a barely civilised version of rural Wales filled with earnest over-actors trying to be gritty as they protect eminently punchable actors playing irritating hobbits. But what was worst of all was that this film showed me just how bad the original novel was. It can literally be broken down to "walk-fight-walk-fight-walk-fight-walk-fight" until the novel (and the faithful film adaptation) had gone on for long enough to appear to be an epic - if only because everyone was too numb to claim otherwise.

Oh, and don't tell me that the series got better. I've seen The Return of the King and its endless bloody ending. I hate it more that the first film in the series, but by that time I didn't expect to enjoy the films in this trilogy. It was the first film that crushed my expectations.

3: The Blues Brothers: I think I know how this film was written - through people sat in a room, with some decent-ish music in the background, snorting coke, drinking beer and saying "wouldn't it be cool if..." The end result? A cold, clinical movie that should be funny, but ends up just, barely functional. As an action movie it fails to be breath-taking - it has car crashes and little else - and as a comedy, it fails to be amusing. It is a lot like that person everyone knows who is able to take a funny joke, retell it, and rob it of everything that made it a good joke. I genuinely think that this film is the first manufactured (as in "we're going to tick every box to make this film successful" as opposed to "Jeez, I hope this works") "blockbuster", and is as soulless as many of those fabricated blockbusters that have followed in its stead have been.

And you want to know why people still like this anodyne, bland film? Because they don't like the film - they like the (admittedly not bad) soundtrack. Sit them in front of the film, and they get restive and start talking about the music. If you sat them in front of a version of the film without the soundtrack, then they would get bored, angry and resentful. Which is how I feel when people eulogise about this movie. Or when they try to get me to watch it.

2: Leaving Las Vegas: I do believe that any film starring Nicholas Cage has a 99% chance of being total crap. This film would be a classic example of that, but - unfathomably - seems to have been a Cage picture that has won critical acclaim. And I really don't know why. My only guess is that it makes people feel uncomfortable, and therefore they assume it must be worthy. They're wrong, of course. It is just shite.

A self-indulgent drunk goes to Las Vegas to drink himself to death, and meets a prostitute. They strike up some sort of relationship - as good a relationship as two maladjusted oddballs can do. The drunk fucks it up, then dies - with his prostitute friend fucking him as he does so. Few acclaimed films have a sense of de facto necrophilia in them, but that is what is happening in the final scene between the drunk and the prostitute.

I dare say that if you live a cloistered, unthreatening middle class life then there is something groundbreaking about Leaving Las Vegas. However, you should probably come and watch the winos in the park opposite my flat as they go on their morbidly focussed booze journeys. The show is free to watch, if you are so inclined, and also has the added benefit that it doesn't involve Nicholas Cage.

1: Star Wars IV: A New Hope: Oh, don't get me wrong, I can sit through this one - in fact, I find it far easier to do so than any of the others in this list. But what I cannot stomach is the level of applause this movie has got and continues to get. I must be missing the point somewhere, because as far as I can see this is just a well-realised romp in space. It isn't the greatest film ever made, or a genuine work of art, or the creation of another world in film. It is just a sci-fi adventure film with above average special effects. It is a good film. It is entertaining. But I'd argue it is a real stretch, based largely on nostalgia and an undeserved reputation, to say it is anything more than that.

So go ahead - agree, disagree, offer alternatives in the comments section, my people!