Ed Balls. Assassin?

As the Labour party conference rumbles on with all the eloquence, wit and intelligence of a drunken tramp mumbling in the park, much of the press speculation is about the appallingly shaky position of the Prime Minister. And rightly so; The Brown soap opera is probably going to be far more interesting than anything that is said at that conference. But it is all wishful thinking. I don’t think there is the stomach to replace Gordon Brown. It would take a fight, and there don’t seem to be any politicians up for it. David Miliband is so wet he would lose an arm-wrestling contest with a granny, Alan Johnson just doesn’t seem to give a fuck anymore and Harriet Harman will always be impeded by the fact that she is arguably the only person in that party less likely to win an election than Gordon. It would take an political assassin to bring down Gordon, yet those who have most to gain seem to be happy to wait and watch their leader waste away into the history books for a little while longer. If there is going to be an assassin, then it is going to be an unlikely figure.

Which is why I honestly think there if there is going to be a real challenge to Gordon Brown, then it may well come from the most power hungry, amoral and devious member of the Nu Labour cabinet. Step forward, Ed Balls. I’m talking about you.

Now, I understand that Ed Balls has been a loyal supporter of El Gordo for a long time. But loyalty is an odd concept in Nu Labour politics – to understand their corruption of the word you only have to look at Brown’s “loyalty” to the last Prime Minister. Besides, Balls has been very good at positioning himself close to the very pinnacle of British politics. It has been a long time but he started out as a Tory, back when they were in power, and he has let very little stop him from getting into the right position with the right allies. Now his ultimate aim – the Labour leadership – is within his grasp. And I do wonder whether his raw ambition will overtake concepts such a loyalty. After all, if it did, then he would simply be following the example of his mentor.

In the past, being loyal to Brown was advantageous to Balls’ career. That has ceased to be the case – which is perhaps why he has moved to a position where he is openly (although not hyper) critical of Gordon Brown. Furthermore, Brown denied Balls the position of Chancellor – something Balls both desperately wanted and felt he deserved, according to Westminster gossip. Maybe the Brown-Balls (no pun intended) relationship has come to its natural end. Balls can’t get anything more from it, so it is time to end it and move onto the next stage.

And the next stage for Balls is making a bid for the leadership. Which may well involve knifing his mentor, and the man he owes so much to, squarely between the shoulder blades.

Of course, I’m not saying this will happen, and I can’t – despite the utterly self-serving nature of the man called Balls – quite see this scenario playing out. I think an ongoing mix of lethargy and cowardice will make sure Brown is safe – at least until the electorate get a say next year. However, if someone does decide to end Brown’s political career before the General Election, don’t be too surprised if Brown turns to look at who has stabbed him in the back and ends up muttering the words “Et tu, Eddie?”

Self-Serving Loyalty

Some people seem to be in a state of shock that Gordon Brown still has his job after an abortion of a Cabinet reshuffle and delivering a set of election results that has given the EU a couple of fascists from our fair shores and a third place in a national election to Labour – behind UKIP. It is a pretty piss-poor performance, even for Gordon Brown – a man who has become the very definition of failure.

Yet if you think about it, of course Brown is still in place. If he was going to be ousted, then that would require some real courage from his MPs. And those MPs are just as cowardly as the leader whose most courageous act is writing about courage.

It isn’t a case of doing the right thing for the country. It is about doing the right thing for themselves. And whilst some MPs might think they would be better under a new leader, the reality is that a new leader would have to hold a General Election. And if there is a General Election, then a lot of the Labour MPs will be seeking alternative employment. And whilst that might happen anyway in a year’s time, this is the crucial point – this way, by keeping Brown no matter how badly he has performed, they get an extra year at the trough.

So there we have it. I believe the Labour MPs are keeping Brown not because they like him, or think he is right for the country, or that he has a chance of turning it all around. They are simply putting off the inevitable for personal gain. This shouldn’t be a surprise for anyone; yet the inevitably of their self-serving behaviour doesn’t make it any less depressing.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith: And The Point Was?

We’ve lost a lot of ministers over the past week, which has been a lot like losing painful blisters – a big fucking relief. But few have been mourned less than one Jacqui Smith.

Looking back on Smith’s time as Home Secretary is a lot like visiting the place that elected her* - pointless and a bit depressing. She came into office with the unique selling point of being a woman. And whilst she didn’t go quite as mad as the three men who preceded her in that great office of state, she also failed to make any sort of a mark whatsoever in office. She simply continued with what her predecessors in the Home Office wanted to do, like an unthinking droid. She didn’t really succeed anymore than Blunkett, Clarke and Reid had, and also failed to articulate any of the policies she had inherited in any way.

The only real success Smith had was a brief flash of leadership when trying to force one of Brown’s more contentious bits of legislation through Parliament. For a moment, some people started to see her as a potential leader of her party – an idea that now seems laughable. But it didn’t last.

Because it wasn’t just incompetence and an inability to communicate that ended Smith’s time in high office. It was also her desire to milk the taxpayer for all she could. Her expenses were eye-watering, and the ludicrous claim that she was lodging with a relative like a first year student coming to London for the first time would have been funny had they not stank so badly of potential fraud. The constant dripping of further proof of her greed and her corruption meant her departure became a dead cert. She should have been forced from office long before she decided to step down. And the concept that she had gone to fight for a marginal seat is laughable. If the people of her constituency have an ounce of sense, then Smith has gone back to wait to be evicted from Parliament.

As a minister, Smith was an embarrassment through and through. The only small blessing is that she should be soon forgotten. Perhaps her true legacy will be as a risqué pub quiz question – “Which ex-MP’s husband accidentally expensed the movies he liked to beat himself off to?” “Ah, that would be Jacqui Smith. Wasn’t she a minister or something? No, wait, I must be thinking of someone else…”

*Redditch has some nice areas around it, and may have improved in the past few years, but when I lived there, the city centre was one of the most depressing places I have ever visited.

The Worst of Enemies

The question on everyone's lips* - can Brown survive? Well, judging by the panicked reshuffle after another electoral kicking, it looks like he's going to give it a go. And he may make it, you know. Not because he deserves to, but rather because he has the tenacious staying power of a hungry leech.

Still, I'm about as removed from the corridors of power as it is possible to be, so I'll leave the speculation to others. What did strike me is Purnell's resignation. James Purnell may be one of the people who helps to bring down Gordon Brown. Which is ridiculous, really. James Purnell. A man would not look out of place in the harshest of Tory Cabinets – except for his ridiculous hair. James pissing Purnell. Fuck me, most Labour leaders would have him on the sidelines - as the sort of person who joined the wrong party - rather than be partially dependent on them. James "Workhouse" Purnell has as much to do with socialism as Alan B’stard.

Whilst we are on the subject, though, it is worth noting that one of the other nemeses of Gordon Brown isn’t exactly Francis Urqhart. Yep, I’m talking about Hazel Blears. Hazel Blears. That unfortunate genetic mishap that blended woman with chipmunk. But it isn’t just the fact that she is a ridiculous person to look at – there is also the little matter of her being up to her neck in the expenses scandal. She is crippling Brown by resigning from the Cabinet – if Brown had an ounce of sense, then he would have forced her to go at about the time she was paying back that £13k. But no. And now she is one of the people working so hard towards the enforced, early retirement of Gordon Brown.

These people just shouldn't be threats to any decent Prime Minister with a modicum of ability and political skill. Yet they are the ones using Brown's back as a pincushion. The old adage of being able to take the measure of a man by the calibre of his enemies springs to mind again, so maybe it is fitting that if Gordon Brown falls, it will be down to a corrupt chipmunk and a total tit in disguise as a Labour minister.

UPDATE:

Whilst writing this post, the scarily staring John Hutton has quit the Cabinet as well. Although apparently he is still going to be loyal to Gordon Brown. Odd sort of loyalty as far as I can see, so it's probably time for another old saying - with friends like these...

*Well, the lips of everyone who cares about something other than Susan Boyle or some other reality TV twunt.

Defector

UKIP have an MP! A disenchanted Tory, perhaps unsurprisingly. My observation of UKIP is that there are quite a few within their ranks who are simply disenchanted Tories.* Often, they are at the more extreme end of the Tory spectrum, and some UKIP members probably border on the racist. Spink, however, could never have that charge levelled at him.

During the 2005 general election campaign he was accused of whipping up racial tension for running a newspaper advert on immigration, headlined: "What bit of 'send them back' don't you understand Mr Blair?"

Oh, well, scratch that. “Send them back” may mean he has joined the wrong party. Maybe the BNP didn’t return his phone call.

Still, he maybe a borderline racist, but his reasoning about the current state of British politics seems valid to me:

“I think that politics is becoming increasingly dishonourable at Westminster and I am delighted to be joining a strong UKIP team so that we can get some meat on these domestic policies."

Nothing wrong with noting that politics at Westminster has become dishonourable, and nothing wrong with wanting to get some meat on domestic policy. Whether defecting to UKIP is the best way of doing that remains to be seen.

*Although by no means all. There are some very sound people in that party, but I think they struggle to get their voices heard amongst the more shrill ex-Tories.

Brown-bashing: Don't Let Party Loyalty Stop You

Another day, another raft of attacks on our beleagured Prime Minister. Things are so bad for Brown that he is now being attacked openly by members of his own party. Labour peer Lord Desai says the following:

"Gordon Brown was put on earth to remind people how good Tony Blair was," the peer told the newspaper. It is a bit like William Hague, who is a far better shadow foreign secretary than he was a leader of the Conservative party."

Also:

Desai compared Brown's style to "porridge, or maybe haggis; it is not very persuasive if you don't already agree with him."

And:

"He is a worrier with an academic approach to solving problems, but that does not always reassure people when they feel uncertain."

So, this Labour peer thinks that Brown is worse than Blair, better placed to be a minister rather than Prime Minister, is not very persuasive, and doesn't reassure people. What a person to have as Labour Prime Minister at a time when the economy is going down the shitter.

But does Desai want to replace Gordon?

"We are not there yet. It is very difficult to change a Labour leader before an election."

If I was Gordon Brown, I would be very worried by that yet.