Bush On Facebook

They used to say that the death of Facebook would come when everyone's parents signed up to that often dubious social networking site. I actually think that Facebook has jumped the shark now George W. Bush is on it.

Bush's wall seems to be filled with lackwitted Republican troglodytes lamenting the fact that their boy is no longer in the White House - even though Bush was the most cretinous President since Warren Harding. But that's inevitable for a fan page, I suppose.

What bothers me, though, is the fact that (at the time of writing) Bush Junior has 81,83o people liking his page. Which is all well and good, but it does show the urgent need for Facebook to have a "Don't Like" button. Because I reckon that the number of people who don't like George W Bush would far outstrip those who like him...

When Horror Films Go Wrong: "Orphan" and "Paradise Lost"

Horror movies are always going to be popular with filmmakers. After all, classic movies like Psycho, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Halloween, were made for relatively little money but have gone on to become cash cows and legends in their own right. Many a filmmaker must have thought “I can make a quick buck and a reputation with a decent horror movie.” The problem is that making a shit horror movie is far easier than making a decent one. Let’s look at two examples.

First up, let’s look at the film Orphan. It has a twist in it – and, by the way, I’ll be revealing that so spoilers ahead. Of course, horror has always had twists and the moment when it was revealed Norman and his mother were one and the same has rightly become a classic moment in cinematic history. Done right, and a twist in the film can be awesome. Done wrong, and it is… well, Orphan.

The film starts in a mediocre way. It is obvious there is a child (from Estonia, natch) who is up for adoption and is clearly more than a little odd. As things go on, it becomes clear that she is a cuckoo – and a murderous one at that. She tries to split up the family, she kills a nun, and drives the mother to the point of insanity before almost setting fire to the eldest son. Then – in a scene that is compellingly uncomfortable and awkward – a 12-year-old girl attempts to seduce her middle-aged father. Thus far, the film has had some scary moments, some good performances and some examples of exceedingly clunky dialogue. There were some minor lapses in logic*, and the parents do appear to be shockingly inept both in their relationship with each other and their dealings with their children. Nonetheless, it sort of works, if for no other reason than this girl appears to be an evil human, as opposed to the Anti-Christ or the spawn of an unseen alien race.

And it is just after that seduction scene when the film jumps the shark.

About halfway through the film I had a thought that maybe Esther the Evil Orphan could be an adult in disguise. But I dismissed the thought. It just seemed silly. Yet, actually I was bang on. See, Esther has hypopituitarism – she actually is an adult! It is supposed to be an awesome twist; one that is deliberately mimicking the twist in Psycho. Instead, it completely undermines the whole film. It was set up as a film about an evil child – a lot of the horror came from the apparent inhumanity of the child. Once we learn that she’s actually a lusty adult looking for a quick fuck, the film loses much of its potency. In the final chase scene, Esther becomes nothing more than a pint-sized Jason Voorhees. Orphan was never going to be a classic film, but its twist just makes it deeply disappointing.

However, it is far better and far more intelligent that Paradise Lost. Paradise Lost is a dumb movie, that is aspiring to put the “horror” into “horror movie.” The problem it finds is that there is a distinction between a movie being a horror and just being horrible. Paradise Lost is very much the latter.

It isn’t just the violence in it, although Lord knows that there is no shortage of machete slashing, eye-gouging, foot slicing and unnecessary surgery in this film. No, it is how the characters are presented. There is not one sympathetic character in the whole thing. Which is a massive problem in a horror movie. Put simply, why should I give a fuck about your characters getting their kidneys removed if there is nothing whatsoever to like about them? Paradise Lost became a little like Our Daily Bread, with witless backpackers taking the place of the cattle. But whilst Our Daily Bread is a interesting documentary, Paradise Lost is a haven’t-I-seen-this-all-before sort of a movie, trying to distinguish itself through the use of graphic violence.

But what is most repugnant about Paradise Lost is the racism within it. Of course, horror films are never going to be that aware of racial (or gender) politics. But Paradise Lost makes a whole country into a nation of thieves, whores, and serial killers. Even the justification by the lead villain for his actions (America exploits us, see?) is shown to be utterly spurious – he had no compunction about killing anyone, including one of his associates in front of a boy. The story seems to say that if you’re going to go to Brazil, then expect to be involved in a bus crash, drugged, chased, tortured and then killed. Your best bet is to get into a plane and fly away. Horror always has thrived on the fear of the unknown; unfortunately, Paradise Lost thrives on the fear of the foreign. It is as racist as it is stupid.

So the message here is two fold. If you are going to make a horror movie with a twist, make sure that your twist doesn’t destroy your whole film. And if you are going to have a monster, then make sure that the monster is defined by its actions. Not by its nationality.

*Such as neither one of the parents picking up on the nun’s comment that Esther socialises well with the other kids when she has to. Which should be a massive alarm bell, followed by "run away from the freaky kid!"