Hasta La Vista, Governator

As the good state of California bids (a fond?) farewell to the Governator, it is worth considering for a moment just what the gubernatorial career of the star of Kindergarten Cop means for modern politics. On one level, Arnie’s election, and tenure, in office seems to be a good example of the very worst of our celebrity obsessed culture. After all, does anyone really think that Arnie would have become governor had he not already been a celebrity? And does being a bodybuilder turned often rather wooden actor really qualify someone to be a leader for millions of people?

Yet, on balance, the man who decided it would be a good career move to make Junior actually turned out to be a pretty good choice for Governor. Sure, he didn't always treat his fellow politicians with absolute respect, and he often took a different path from the party in which he is nominally a member. Yet he was far more successful than his immediate predecessor, and managed – against the odds, and certainly against the weight of expectations – to become a credible politician in his own right. There can be little doubt that, if his nationality did not preclude it, that we would be looking forward to a presidential campaign from Arnie in 2012.

And that’s the way in which Arnie is such a good example of celebrities in politics; he simultaneously shows that celebrity can help you achieve high office, but that if you take that office seriously and surround yourself with decent advisors, that celebrity status should not predispose you to failure if you manage to win an election. Celebrities can be just as credible as politicians as those who dedicate their whole lives to the pursuit of political office.

So in a sense, I’m saying I don’t mind – or at least don’t automatically reject – celebrities aspiring to or entering high office. That said, it will be the death of our political system in this country if we ever elected a moron like David Beckham - taking a gamble on a celebrity is one thing; electing one who is clearly a massive tool would be quite another...

*Honestly, titles like that write themselves - particularly when I get to half-steal them from the BBC...

Celebrity Candidates in Elections

I think we're supposed to tut at this, although I can't quite figure out why:

Hip hop star Wyclef Jean has formally registered to stand for president of his native Haiti as it rebuilds after the devastating January earthquake.

Surely the point of democracy is that anyone can run for office, or have I missed the point?

Mr Jean is hugely popular in Haiti where half of the population is under 21.

He told Time magazine in an interview that his secret weapon in the election campaign would be that Haiti's "enormous youth population doesn't believe in politicians any more".

So not only is Wyclef Jean running for President, he might also win. Again, this is the nature of democracy. Popular people win elections.

There seems to be a feeling in many cultures, including our own, that celebrities shouldn't involve themselves in politics. And I have to confess that I'm sick to fucking death of hearing ill-informed nonsense from the likes of Bono and Bob Geldof. But that is democracy for you; everyone can participate, even if they're going to talk shite. And there is nothing to stop those who appear, at least on the surface, to be utterly unqualified for office from running for that office.

Furthermore, there is an increasing tendency for democracies to expect only the professional political class to run for office. The likes of Bono, Geldof and Jean aren't as suitable as candidates as someone who has never done anything other than politics. Of course, this isn't true. The most famous example of celebrity turned political leader is Ronald Reagan, the star of Bedtime for Bonzo. And he managed to be a far better President than, say, Bill Clinton, who was practically vying for office as soon as he emerged from the womb.

We're missing the point - perhaps the most fundamental point - of democracy. Anyone can run for office - anyone. That doesn't mean they automatically win. There's a little matter of an election that stands in their way. And we should start treating elections in democracies as a something other than a popularity contest that we passively absorb. Elections should be grueling contests for the candidates where we, the voters, interrogate all candidates - celebrities, professional politicians, unknown non-entities - about their policies, their personalities, and their general suitability for the office. There should be no complaint about who chooses to run for office. We just need to make sure that we, as voters, make sure that the best candidate, regardless of background, wins.

Good luck to Wyclef Jean as he runs for President. I hope he makes a strong case for why he should be president and if he doesn't, I hope that he is rejected at the polls.

Cameron, Caine and National Service

Even Jackart reckons the Tory National Citizen Service scheme is more that a little bit crap. Trying to save the Nation’s youth is a worthwhile enterprise – however, if your solution is a glorified summer camp where the state gets free work from the youth, you’re going to end up looking like a bit of a dickhead. Particularly if you’re promoting your proposal with an old actor whose only exposure to the problems facing youth today is a recent role in a shit movie.

But that’s not stopping Cameron. No, he’s a-gonna save the youth regardless of details like practicality:

Mr Cameron added that the aim was to give young people more shape and purpose in their lives.

"Show me a gang taking drugs and I'll show you a group of people who have nothing to look forward to," he said. "The problem is their lives lack shape."

And Sir Harry Brown Michael Caine is giving his backing to this plan:

Sir Michael said it would help youngsters "forgotten in this country".

"There is a very, very hardcore of [young] people we have really got to save," he added.

Thanks for that, Alfred, but I think we’ve heard enough – back off to the Batcave with you.

Now, this proposal is clearly flawed, but in fairness Cameron seems to be stressing that he has sought, and then acted on, advice:

He admitted that his initial proposal for the citizen service scheme was for it to be compulsory, "but youth leaders told me that would have been the kiss of death".

Well, I’m glad that youth leaders saw sense, but I am slightly concerned that they seem to have a better grasp on reality that the Leader of Opposition and possible next Prime Minister.

So instead, while the scheme will be available to every 16-year-old in the UK, it will be voluntary.

And here we hit yet another problem. Not only is there something extremely distasteful about the idea of the state getting free work from the youth, and something very concerning about the massive funding gap at the heart of this project, but as soon as you make this voluntary then you aren’t going to be getting to those junkie yoofs that so concern the man who was once Harry Palmer to join up. Seriously, those wayward and difficult young people aren’t going to be the sort of people who rush to volunteer themselves for government service, are they? The kids who will end up doing this service will be the preppy fucks who do the DofE award and other voluntary work already.

This scheme really is the very definition of pointless. Get a grip, Cameron. At the moment your photo opportunity with an actor who is well past his prime is making you look pretty dumb - and far too willing to embrace the sort of meaningless, wasteful, ill-thought-out policies that have become so symptomatic of the Nu Labour years.

Nu Labour and the Celebrity Endorsement

Over at LabourList, I see that some sort of Nu Labour drone* has managed to write a book. It’s a short book, mind, but that’s understandable when you consider the topic – Why Vote Labour. Frankly, I’m amazed she managed to produce enough text even for a small book. I’d have thought this sort of tome could have been written on the back of a bar mat. And since it is about reasons to vote for Labour, written on the back of a bar mat after a substantial session of absinthe drinking.

But then we see Ms Reeves’ secret – she’s got other people to help her write her “book”:

"Why Vote Labour" tells the inspirational stories of people and families from up and down the country about the difference Labour has made to them. It also includes personal accounts from Jo Brand, Gurinder Chadha, Bono, Eddie Izzard and others on the difference Labour has made.

Right, so, we should vote Labour because a sarcastic bag of lard, someone I’ve never heard of, a twat whose egregious personality is summed up perfectly by his idiotic sunglasses, and a long past prime comedian happened to have scrawled some meaningless gibberish in a lightweight tome penned by a Labour PPC. In the whole broad spectrum of shitty reasons to vote Labour, that has to be one of the worst. In fact, the only way that list of celebrities could have been made even more repellent is by including the chopper to end all choppers – Sting.

And I can’t stand it. I just can’t stand it. I cannot cope with this notion that because someone has a hit record, they suddenly become an expert on politics who is worth quoting by someone aspiring to become a legislator. And I despair of the fact that she would quote comedians as a reason to vote for her shit awful party without even a hint of irony.

I want to write a book. It would be called “Why celebrities are cunts, and how they have helped to destroy politics.” Because that’s what this is – the debasement and destruction of political discourse in this country. Soon, we’ll be in a position where parties cease to publish manifestos, and instead commission a special edition of Hello! magazine that contains celebrities as charismatic and convincing as Chris Martin out of Coldplay wibbling on about why we should vote Labour because “it’s like good, and stuff.”

So fuck off. Fuck off the lot of you. To celebrities – do what your best at. Which isn’t political interventions. To politicians, get a grip. If you have now become dependent on “celebrities” to make your case and connect you to the people, then you have lost your way, and you have lost your Raison d'être. And know this – any party that uses the likes of Bono fucking Vox as an expert on anything other than making largely shitty records is not getting my vote. Not now, not ever.

*Seriously, where the fuck do they get these people from? Is there a factory somewhere outside Wigan mass-producing these tools?

Meaningless Celebrity Endorsements

The Democratic candidates for the presidential nomination are still debating each other, sniping about each other’s gaffes in a way that can’t even be interesting to them, let alone anyone in America or the wider world. This *contest* for the Democratic nomination has come to resemble nothing more than a streak of piss from a incontinent old man – long, weak and painful for all involved.

I’m not going to comment on the latest debate between Clinton and Obama. Stuff was said, no-one cared. What I am going to comment on is the latest celebrity endorsement for Obama. Yes, Ladies and Gentleman, it is the Boss himself – I give you, Mr Bruce Springsteen!

And he is not the only celebrity endorsing a candidate in this Presidential Election Cycle. Oh no. There is a comprehensive list here. Clearly celebrity endorsements are a key commodity if you are aspiring to be the (supposed) leader of the free world.

And this mindset – of getting people utterly irrelevant to back your campaign for political office – is catching on in this country as well. Ken has released his list of 20 Celebrity backs – although, Iain Dale rightly contests whether some of them are actually celebrities. Even Charlie Brooker – a person whose work I generally find very amusing – is backing that piss midget Ken. It can only be a matter of time before some celebrity drags their sorry hide out of the woodwork to back Gordo – though fuck knows who it would be. Maybe Peter Sutcliffe could be tapped up – he’s probably one of the few people in the country whose reputation would be enhanced rather than wrecked by backing Brown.

I don’t doubt that some of these people will sway some voters, both in this country and across the pond. But really, who cares who Springsteen backs? Or Charlie Brooker? Or that anodyne cock from The Apprentice? It shouldn’t matter. Every celebrity is entitled to their opinion and to their vote. But if you are so star-struck and celebrity obsessed that actually vote based on their opinions, then you are a tit. You are even more dense that someone who would buy an aftershave because David Beckham endorses it, or a grill because some old boxer endorses it. And with that in mind, shouldn’t be trusted with a vote anyway.