Nu Labour and the Celebrity Endorsement

Over at LabourList, I see that some sort of Nu Labour drone* has managed to write a book. It’s a short book, mind, but that’s understandable when you consider the topic – Why Vote Labour. Frankly, I’m amazed she managed to produce enough text even for a small book. I’d have thought this sort of tome could have been written on the back of a bar mat. And since it is about reasons to vote for Labour, written on the back of a bar mat after a substantial session of absinthe drinking.

But then we see Ms Reeves’ secret – she’s got other people to help her write her “book”:

"Why Vote Labour" tells the inspirational stories of people and families from up and down the country about the difference Labour has made to them. It also includes personal accounts from Jo Brand, Gurinder Chadha, Bono, Eddie Izzard and others on the difference Labour has made.

Right, so, we should vote Labour because a sarcastic bag of lard, someone I’ve never heard of, a twat whose egregious personality is summed up perfectly by his idiotic sunglasses, and a long past prime comedian happened to have scrawled some meaningless gibberish in a lightweight tome penned by a Labour PPC. In the whole broad spectrum of shitty reasons to vote Labour, that has to be one of the worst. In fact, the only way that list of celebrities could have been made even more repellent is by including the chopper to end all choppers – Sting.

And I can’t stand it. I just can’t stand it. I cannot cope with this notion that because someone has a hit record, they suddenly become an expert on politics who is worth quoting by someone aspiring to become a legislator. And I despair of the fact that she would quote comedians as a reason to vote for her shit awful party without even a hint of irony.

I want to write a book. It would be called “Why celebrities are cunts, and how they have helped to destroy politics.” Because that’s what this is – the debasement and destruction of political discourse in this country. Soon, we’ll be in a position where parties cease to publish manifestos, and instead commission a special edition of Hello! magazine that contains celebrities as charismatic and convincing as Chris Martin out of Coldplay wibbling on about why we should vote Labour because “it’s like good, and stuff.”

So fuck off. Fuck off the lot of you. To celebrities – do what your best at. Which isn’t political interventions. To politicians, get a grip. If you have now become dependent on “celebrities” to make your case and connect you to the people, then you have lost your way, and you have lost your Raison d'être. And know this – any party that uses the likes of Bono fucking Vox as an expert on anything other than making largely shitty records is not getting my vote. Not now, not ever.

*Seriously, where the fuck do they get these people from? Is there a factory somewhere outside Wigan mass-producing these tools?