The Little Things in Life

It is the little things that really wind me up. If a calamity befalls me, then I tend to take it stoically. “Nameless Tory, the company you work for has collapsed and you are out of a job.” “Not a problem, I will just have to find another job.” “Nameless Tory, you have lost both of your legs in a bizarre gardening accident.” “Oh well, can’t be helped.” “Nameless Tory, a meteor is heading towards the earth and is set to wipe out all human life.” “Nevermind, these things happen.” But it is the little things that really get to me – an error from my bank, for example, and you are scraping me off the ceiling.

Which is why, when I got a random e-mail on Monday morning from a company/book scheme I would never dream of going near saying I had joined their scheme, I got wound up. And instead of ignoring the problem and hoping it would go away, you know, like a normal person, I took the bait. The (ongoing) e-mail exchange is laid out below.

“random company wrote:

Dear (Nameless Tory),
Thank you for your application to join (our random book club), which has been received and is being processed.
If you have any queries about your order please either e-mail us.
I look forward to welcoming you to the club!
(Random Customer Service Monkey)Online Editor

nameless tory wrote:

I have not asked to join your scheme/club, and require written confirmation that I will not be billed for anything. Please e-mail this to me by close of play on today along with confirmation that I will not be receiving anymore of your spam.

random company wrote:

Dear Sir/Madam,Thank you for your e-mail.
To locate your account and answer any queries please advise us of your membership number. If this is not available please advise of your name and full postal address, together with the name of the club to which you are a member.We trust that this now clarifies the matter for you. Regards, Customer Services

nameless tory wrote:

As far as I am aware I am not a member of any of your clubs. I am not going to send you my address so you can put me on one of your junk mail lists. My request was very simple and in no way does your e-mail clarify the matter for me.
To reiterate - confirm that I will not be billed for anything and delete me from your mailing list. Action by close of play today.

random company wrote:

Dear Sir/Madam,Thank you for your e-mail.
To locate your account and answer any queries please advise us of your membership number. If this is not available please advise of your name and full postal address, together with the name of the club to which you are a member. We trust that this now clarifies the matter for you. Regards, Customer Services

nameless tory wrote:

You need to try to read the e-mail that I sent to you earlier. I DO NOT HAVE THE MEMBERSHIP NUMBER AS I AM NOT A MEMBER. I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU MY ADDRESS AS I DO NOT WANT JUNK MAIL GOING TO MY HOME ADDRESS AS WELL AS MY E-MAIL ACCOUNT.

Confirm I am not going to be charged for everything.

Then confirm I am removed from your spam list.

Really isn't difficult.

random company wrote:

Dear Sir/Madam,Thank you for your e-mail.If we do not have a membership number or your full name and address, we are unable to search our system to see if there is any accounts (sic) in your name.
We trust that this now clarifies the matter for you. Regards,
(Customer Service Gimp)Customer Services

nameless tory wrote:

Well, obviously it does not clarify my surprisingly simple query. All I require is confirmation that I will not be charged for anything and will be deleted from your spam lists. Evidently this is outside of the parameters of your customer services team (oh, what an ironic name for such an unhelpful and incompetent team) so please can you send me a number of someone I can call to escalate this increasingly farcical problem.”

The worst thing is, I know, having started the process, having taken the bait, this is going to take up days, maybe even weeks, of my time. I will pursue it until I am completely satisfied, like a pedantic, irritable hunting dog. And against my better judgement, I will let myself get wound up about it even though it doesn’t really matter.

Still, at least I am self-aware.