Balls talks Balls. Again.

It is fantastic - absolutely fantastic - that Ed Balls is in the Labour leadership race, because he now has to say stuff and show just how peculiar his worldview is. And his article in The Mirror shows just how strange one of the people who would be Labour leader truly is.

'David Cameron standing grinning outside No 10 is something I never wanted to see.

'And then on Monday, I watched George Osborne on TV struggling to contain his glee as he announced that the Tories, now backed by the Liberal Democrats, were going to cut £6billion from public services this year and put the school-building programme on hold.

That was a sight I never wanted to see either.

Firstly, I don't think either one of them were grinning, but maybe it is down to interpretation. Secondly, one of the key reasons why people won is because of Labourites like you, Balls, and your hideous ex-boss. If you didn't want to see Cameron as PM and Osborne as Chancellor, maybe you should have been a bit less of tit.

And weren't Labour committed to making spending cuts as well?

But it has happened. And we have to understand why.

People hate Labour more than the Tories now. It isn't that difficult to understand. People hate you more than the Tories, so fewer people voted for you than for the Tories. I mean, I could draw a diagram, but this basic, rudimentary politics should be easy enough to grasp.

I am very proud of what Labour achieved in government. Labour's legacy is every child who is sitting in a brand new school... Every pensioner who is not afraid to stick the heating on in the winter thanks to the winter fuel payment... Our new hospitals, our Sure Start children's centres, tax credits, the national minimum wage.

After 13 years in power with massive majorities, that is a piss-poor legacy.

So this is my first pledge to Mirror readers - I will fight with every ounce of my spirit and every one of my MP colleagues in Parliament to make sure that this legacy is not destroyed by David Cameron and his new best friend, Nick Clegg.

Love it - "new best friend". Clegg's choice still hurting you, Balls?

But we in the Labour party have also got to face some hard facts.

Too many people - ordinary, hard working people who want to get on in life and get a better deal for their families - thought that they couldn't support us this time.

They thought we had lost our way and, frankly, lost touch.

Wonder what gave them that idea? The fact that Labour replaced the Prime Minister without consulting the people at all? Or that the Prime Minister refused to come out of his cocoon until he absolutely had to, and then he avoided or insulted any member of the public who happened to disagree with him? Yeah, I'd say that the people felt Labour had lost touch with them. Mainly because the Labour party didn't appear to give the first fuck about what the people thought or said.

Knocking on doors in my constituency in Yorkshire was hard-going.

Poor dear... campaigning is tough. Mind you, you'd best get used to it. You're running for Labour leader in a campaign that will last until September. And you've got a tough job campaigning in your constituency to make sure that you don't lose your seat over the course of the next Parliament.

On immigration, people thought we didn't understand their anxieties.

On tax and benefits, they didn't always think that we were on the side of people who wanted to work.

On tuition fees and student loans, they asked why we were making it harder for their teenage children to go to university.

Yep. You treated immigration as a taboo topic that could not be discussed under any circumstances. Your tax system shat on those who went to work, while those who didn't led relatively comfortable lies. And you raised the expectation that most kids would be able to go to university while making it incredibly expensive to do so. Yeah, can't think why people were feeling alienated.

I want Labour to win again, for the sake of millions of children, working people and pensioners in our country.

That's why I am standing to be leader.

Balls, my boy, you standing for leader is probably a rock solid way of making sure that Labour doesn't win, but don't let that little fact bother you.

To win again we need to win people back, we must speak the language of ordinary people and not the language of politicians.

Yep.

We must win people's trust and not seem like we take their support for granted.

Yep.

And we need to show why we are in politics and whose side we are on.

You sort of have shown why you are in politics and whose side you are on - you're in politics to expand the power of the state, and you're on the side of politicians. Frankly, that's one of the reasons why people fucking hate you.

All the opportunities my family and I have had in life were only made possible by the achievements of the Labour party in government.

Really, are you sure about that?

My grandfather, a lorry driver, died from cancer soon after the war, when my father, the youngest of three boys, was only 10.

My father, from a widowed family in a w o r k i n g -c l a s s community in Norwich, was able to stay on at school at 16 and get a scholarship to university.

All the opportunities that he and we have been able to enjoy were only made possible because of the welfare state the Labour Government created in 1945, reflecting our core belief that opportunity should be available for all, not just for the privileged few.

Now, I could have sworn that Balls went to a fee-paying school. And to Oxford and Harvard. Oh looky, I'm right. And far be from me to suggest that the *Right* *Honourable* Ed Balls is mistaken, but I'd argue that those priviliged institutions might have played a small part in the success story that is Ed Balls (stop laughing at the back!)

And the reason I am Labour is because I want these same chances for every one of my constituents and every family in our country.

Shame Labour didn't fucking well do something about it when it was in power then.

Because whether your son or daughter gets extra one-to-one tuition in school if they fall behind should not depend on whether you can afford to pay for it. That is the Tory way.

Don't have kids, don't care. If I did, then I'd wonder why the state school wasn't doing more to stop them falling behind, though.

As much as I'd like to think so, I don't believe the Tory-Lib Dem coalition will necessarily fall apart in a matter of weeks.

You shouldn't want it to either. If there is another election within weeks, your bankrupt - both financially and morally - party will not be able to fight that campaign and will face absolute wipe out.

The Tories think they are born to rule - and they're already trying to rig Parliament to make it harder to remove them.

As opposed to Gordon Brown, who left Downing Street gracefully the morning after his defeat in a General Election rather than desperately and pathetically clinging to power for another few days. Oh, wait...

And the Lib Dems have sold whatever principles they had to get their hands on ministerial positions.

Yep, he's still bitter that the Liberal Democrats chose to go into a stable coalition with the most popular party after the election rather than propping up the failed administration of a man who could be used to define the word "loser".

So we must be both a responsible Opposition and a strong and effective fighting force in Parliament.

Because if we do not speak up for working people when their public services are threatened and their children's futures are put at risk, then no one will.

So we must stand together and stand up to the Tories and the Lib Dems.

That is the basis of what being in Opposition is about, yes. Well done for working that out so quickly! Here, have a gold star. It's not from the state, though, so I don't know whether you can accept it.

I believe Labour's secret weapon will be our ability and willingness to listen.

Oh my, oh my... that is priceless. Labour's going to listen. Oh, please stop. My sides might actually split. I've not heard anything so ridiculous since... well, the last time I read something by Balls. But if he's going to listen, maybe he should listen to this - Balls, we fucking hate you, fuck off. And take your party with you on your way out.

In my constituency, the Tories threw the kitchen sink at their campaign and spent a fortune of Lord Ashcroft's money.

We hit back in the best way possible - with hard work and some hard listening.

And still nearly lost. Maybe you were trying to listen but you didn't quite hear what was being said.

We organised public meetings on the economy, crime and immigration, and took the BNP headon.

This is the way to build a new coalition of our own.

No, that's basic politics. The way to build a new coalition comes when you stop be arrogant titwits and actually do something that people like, or say something that people agree with. As it stands - and you probably should have picked up on this, Eddy my boy - no-one wants to go into a coalition with you. They'd rather join hands with the Tories.

Throughout the debate about the Labour leadership, I have argued for a proper contest, not a coronation.

As opposed to three years ago, where you helped to arrange the coronation of the man who buried the Labour party. In fairness, maybe Balls has taken something from his mistake. I suspect, though, part of him realises that if this was a coronation, he wouldn't be the one being crowned.

A battle about ideas not a beauty contest.

You'd lose the beauty contest, Balls. Even with the group of pug ugly people currently vying to replace that very antithesis of beauty. Or Gordon Brown, as you probably call him. Extensive plastic surgery is the only way you'd ever stand a chance of competing effectively in a beauty contest.

Labour must win again. It is going to be a hard slog.

There are no quick fixes or easy solutions.

But it has to start with listening to you, the people.'

But we don't want to talk to you anymore, Ed. You had thirteen years to hear our voices, and do something about it. And you didn't. You closed off your ears and your minds, and did whatever you fucking wanted to with not a thought about what we actually wanted. It's too late to listen now, Balls. You should have tried that before the election. And then maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't have to watch the Tories basking in their new found power.