Ed Balls talks Balls.

So, Ed Balls has written an article for The Independent that, for all the world, seems to be trying to present a human side to the least human minister in the last government. But, it being scribed by one of the most arrogant of ministers from the last government, it can't help but be a little bit OTT and a little bit bellicose. Let's take a look at some highlights:

The last 10 days have turned things upside down. We lost the election – but no other party won decisively. Many good MPs and candidates failed to win their seats – but we had some great results, especially in local government. We talked to the Liberal Democrats, thinking they were a progressive party – and then they jumped into bed with the Tories.

My God, what a brilliant start. Brilliant, that is, in showing what a tit Balls is. Firstly, the world has only been turned upside down if you happen to be a politican. For everyone else, the government has changed and with it, brought some changes for the better. But the world hasn't been turned upside down. Mostly, things are going on now in exactly the same way they did before Labour lost power.

And the "no-one won the election" line is now both old and utterly discredited. Because not just one but two parties won the election - y'know, the two parties that have now gone on to form a government. Labour did badly. It did really badly. And the only reason why it saw a slight upturn at the local elections was because of how badly it had done the previous year, when Labour was nearly wiped out at a local level.

And the comment about the Liberal Democrats is hilarious - the very definition of someone bitter because they didn't get chosen. Fuck off, Balls. The Liberal Democrats choose to go into government (rather than bed) with the party that beat you at the election - the party that won the most votes and the most seats. To most people who are tribalist Labourite wankers, that was the sensible thing for them to do.

This leadership contest is a great opportunity for Labour. Ironically, the Liberals Democrats, by putting power before principle, have re-energised and united our party. Membership is surging. My local party in Morley and Outwood decided that the right response was to hold a street stall on Saturday and go out canvassing this Sunday.

My God, I cannot believe we have a Brownite wanker complaining about someone else putting power before principle. Pot and kettle time, Mr Balls!

And I'm sure that the reason why your local Labour party had a stall on Saturday and canvassed on Sunday had nothing to do with your identification as a potential leadership candidate, or the fact that you nearly lost your seat at the last election. No, I'm sure it was because "membership is surging".

The fact is that we lost almost 100 seats. And a leadership election in which we talk to ourselves in party meetings and seminars and then tell the country what we have decided is the route to stagnation and further defeat.

Finally, an admission that you lost, and lost badly. And it seems ironic that one of the things Balls says would be electoral disaster in the future is precisely what happened in order to make Gordon Brown leader. Perhaps Balls is learning from his mistakes... But I'm pretty sure that he won't admit to his role in the mistakes that buried the Labour party at the last election.

And it's a tough message. I heard it myself in Morley and Outwood, where in the face of a Lord Ashcroft-funded Tory onslaught we had to fight even harder for every vote and talk to tens of thousands of people.

Oh, here we fucking go again. Ashcroft. Change the fucking record, Balls, because no-one is listening. People don't care about Ashcroft, and if they do, they care about him much less than the care about the fucking disaster that the Labour party was for this country. So shut up about Ashcroft, and move on.

And it goes without saying that if we see this contest through the prism and outdated labels of Blairites v Brownites, new Labour v old, it will be a disaster for us. Let's not keep trying to define ourselves against ourselves and our past.

Sure, ignore the past. Pretend it didn't happen. Because there's nothing to be learned from the fact that the Blairites won every election they fought, whereas the Brownites lost badly the only contest they fought. I wonder why Balls might want us not to think in those terms? Could it possibly be because he is associated with the Bad Days of Brown, and therefore might be tainted by the failures of the immediate past? Just a thought...

I have not rushed to a decision on whether to stand in this contest. Partly because I felt it my duty to talk to my party first. Partly because, like many MPs and party members, I wanted to let the events of the last few weeks sink in and did not think we should be rushed.

Yeah, God forbid you should hurry the decision of who should be leader of the opposition. Take your time, pal. After all, coalitions are historically incredibly stable, so there's no risk whatsoever of you having to fight another General Election very soon. Oh, wait...

If we stay united, then we can build on the strength our party undoubtedly has, expose this deeply flawed and unprincipled Tory-Liberal collaboration, and win back a Labour majority. I will play my full part to make that happen.

Ok, so the coalition is "deeply flawed and unprincipled", but I can't help but repeat that this sounds incredibly bitter, like the boy at the school disco who didn't get chosen by the pretty girl and is now deeply resentful about it. The fact is, Balls, the people and then the Lib Dems rejected you because of who you are, and how badly you did when in power. You were an arrogant, controlling and utterly repellent government. You were rejected by one and all because of that.

And you were at the heart of that government, Balls. You were a henchman in the Brown regime that destroyed a once invincible election winning machine. You, Brown, McBride - you sum up everything that people despise about the Brown era, and why you were rejected at the polls. People don't like you, Ed. And if you really want to play your part in making that happen, then you should not only not stand for the leadership, but you should shut your stupid fucking face for the foreseeable future and let the less repellent Labourites try to rebuild the party you did so much to destroy.

But as someone who viscerally hates Labour now, I hope you stand for the leadership. I hope you stand and fucking win. Because that way, your godawful party can be buried once and for all.