Fuck You, I Won't Do What You Tell Me

Simon Cowell is having a bit of a paddy. See, apparently this small group (well, half a million and counting) of people want to deny the latest pop pap crap the chance to be Christmas No. 1. What a bunch of bastards they we are. Imagine trying to prevent the latest over-promoted, over-hyped and shitty pile of musical turds from Cowell's fuck awful TV programme from reaching the top of the charts. How dare anyone challenge the musical hegemony of Cowell's manufactured mush?

Certainly, Simon seems a little shrill:

"If there's a campaign, and I think the campaign's aimed directly at me, it's stupid. Me having a No 1 record at Christmas is not going to change my life particularly."

A campaign against Simon Cowell is not so much stupid as, well, a work for genius that is long overdue. And whilst a Number 1 record for Cowell might not be life-changing, it is still important to him, his bank balance and his reputation as a music mogul. I mean, what would it say about him if he had actually wound up enough people to make the effort to spend money on a record just to piss him off?

"It does however change these guys' lives and we put this opportunity there so that the winner of the X Factor gets the chance of having a big hit record."

Right, now, I don't doubt that having a big hit record would change someone's life. But that doesn't mean they are owed a big hit record. Being Christmas No. 1 would change my life. That doesn't mean everyone should meekly buy whatever shite I choose to foist on them, just because I want to be Christmas No. 1. And there is something vaguely sickening about Cowell championing the winners of his terrible, terrible show. His care and attention for them doesn't seem to last that long, and the vast majority of contestants and winners end up flipping burgers less than 6 months after he has championed them.

"I think it's quite a cynical campaign geared at me which is actually going to spoil the party for these three.

So the fuck what? Why does it matter if the party is spoiled for whatever space cadets manage to win The X Factor? Again, are they automatically entitled to a party just because Cowell says so? And maybe - just maybe - it is this sort of arrogant, high-handed attitude from Cowell that makes people want to buy an aged Rage Against The Machine record just to piss him right off.*

And, honest to God, the concept of Cowell accusing someone else of conducting a "cynical campaign" is staggering. My good golly gosh, how hypocritical is that? The man has built his career on cynical campaigns. In fact, the current bid to make his latest products proteges Christmas No.1 is a great example of a cynical campaign.

"I also think it's incredibly dismissive of the people who watch and enjoy the show... to treat our audiences as if they're stupid and I don't like that."

No, it isn't dismissive of the people who watch the show. For what it is worth, I know the audience for the show is massive, and know both intelligent and dense people who watch it for a variety of reasons. However, just because lots of people watch the show doesn't mean everyone has to like it or, at the very least, refrain from criticising it. There are millions of us who don't know what a Jedward is, and don't really care - why the hell shouldn't we be able to voice our thoughts about a TV programme that at best we don't watch, and at worst see it as the latest sign that this nation is heading to hell in a handcart?

Cowell seems to have missed the point of the charts - they are supposed to be about the most popular records in the country, not about the promotion of his pop pap over the top of everything else. He has no automatic right to the No. 1 slot, no matter how hard he sulks and stamps his feet.

So, if like me you believe The X Factor is a sure sign of the death of British culture, or even if you are just sick of the likes of Cowell deciding who will be Christmas No. 1, join the Facebook group and buy the record from 13th December. It isn't the best record in the world**, but it is worth it just to show that we don't have to endure the endless cycle of the banal music endorsed by the likes of Simon Cowell. Having the Christmas No. 1 as a angry, profane rant may not be to everyone's taste, but surely to God it is better than having another X Factor Christmas No. 1...

*In fairness, the Facebook group is quite adamant that it is not anti-Cowell. Which is fair enough. I am anti-Cowell, though. I can't stand the twat.

**The song sounded great when I was 14. The sweary chant was ground-breaking and startling back then. Now, it just sounds a little pedestrian. Not least because the refrain has become not just familiar, but a mantra that pops into my head every time I hear Gordon Brown speak...