Political Bruisers

Since British politicians have ceased to form any useful function - they don't make decent laws, they don't represent their constituents, they don't do anything other than milk the teat of the taxpayer's purse - I've been thinking about how they might become more helpful. Specifically, I've been thinking about who'd be best to have on your side in a pub fight.* Bear in mind this is a list comparing ten political leaders; I'm not saying that this is a list of the ten best fighters in politics. If it was, then Miliband certainly wouldn't be in the list...

10: David Miliband: Possibly the wettest politician in living memory, Miliband looks not just like someone who was bullied at school, but is still bullied to this day. Not just by his brother, but by everyone in the Cabinet. He looks like an earnest, wetter version of Adrian Mole. And he is the only man who can stand next to a banana and make the banana look harder than him. 

9: George Osborne: Everyone knows he is David Cameron's bitch, which is a pretty unflattering position for any politician to be in. Yet he is still a little less of a geek than Miliband, hence the higher spot in the list. And he is in better shape than his pudgy, out-of-shape party leader. 

8: John Prescott: Oh, yes, he punched a voter. Ignoring the fact that in most real democracies punching a voter would be frowned upon rather than being turned into a fucking folk tale, go take a look at footage of Prescott punching that man with a mullet. He doesn't really punch him; instead, he gives him a hearty man-slap. Prezza doesn't come across as a bruiser in that footage - he comes across as a petulant diva throwing a hissy fit. Prescott isn't as hard as he makes himself out to be.

7: Nick Clegg: I have no evidence that Clegg would actually be good in a fight; but let's face it, he's a crap leader of Britain's third party. He can't talk eloquently, he can't debate well and he can't win by-elections. He's got to be good at something, so I'm taking a gamble and reckon that his one talent is fighting. Or, failing that, being a little bit harder than David Miliband. Plus, in the interests of balance, there probably should be a Lib Dem in the list, and aside from the positively professorial Cable, he's the only one I can remember off the top of my head. 

6: Charles Clarke: He is so resentful that I reckon he is a ticking time-bomb of rage. He's been itching for a fight since he was sacked from the Home Office; I reckon that if you set him on the right target, then the curiously inbred looking Clarke would take them out in next to no time...

5: William Hague: I can't imagine he is any good at fighting, even if he has claimed in the past to be a mighty drinker. But both his appearance and deeply irritating voice would be great to have on your side in a fight - if only because your opponents would concentrate on beating him into a fine pate rather than you. 

4: Ed Balls: For similar reasons to Hague: he's so deeply unpopular and generally unlikable that people would rather punch him than you. Plus, he looks like such a nasty piece of work that I reckon he must be good at fighting. He certainly has the sort of air to him that suggests he likes punching other people on a regular basis. 

3: John Reid: A man who created an image around being a bruiser, he looks like a man who wants a fight, 24/7. Yet he's not going any higher because of the suspicion that he is actually a bit wet beneath his carefully constructed facade. He's the one who couldn't cope with the Home Office, and he's one of the people who bottled a battle with Gordon. 

2: David Davis: Of course, he's the angry, slightly scary, impetuous Tory who has still managed to keep a backbone during the Cameron neutering project. Yet he doesn't quite make it to the top spot because he was in the Territorial SAS rather than the real SAS. Yes, that is a harsh judgment - particularly from someone who would avoid any sort of involvement with the military like the plague - but this is a harsh list. 

1: Gordon Brown: To paraphrase an iconic 1970's movie, Gordon Brown is a big man, but he's out of shape. Yet there is something terrifying about Gordon Brown. It is probably the fact that he looks positively unhinged these days. He looks like he wants a fight, and he also looks like he would fight as hard as possible to destroy whoever he identifies as his enemy. He's like Begbie; you might not like him, and he might not look like the best fighter, but Jesus - you'd want him on your side rather than coming at you. 

As always, other options/comments/agreements/disagreements in the comments section. Oh, and the political death match I would like to see is Clarke v. Brown. It be the ultimate grudge match...

*I'm not a fighter. I don't like fighting. Not because it is ungentlemanly or anything like that, but simply because I'm not any good at it and am a bit of a coward when it comes to physical violence. So the people I class as being good in a fight are those who could either fight for me, or distract the enemy whilst I run away. Not that dignified, I know. But at least cowardice means I get to maintain my handsome good looks...