Memo To Boris Johnson

Boris,

It is true - we live in the age of the politician as celebrity. You only have to look at the rock star status of the incumbent President of the United States of America to see that. And you also are both politician and celebrity - and it was probably your celebrity status (best illustrated by the Have I Got News For You team mocking you relentlessly on their programme) that helped you to become the most powerful Tory since John Major left Number 10 in 1997. 

It must be a difficult balancing act as you work out which opportunities to take up and which to turn down. But since there seems to be some confusion with you, let me just point out that appearing on EastEnders - a programme as depressing as it is terrible - is not an appropriate thing for a supposedly credible politician and serving Mayor of London to be doing. In fact, it is the sort of stunt that exposes you as a fame hungry lightweight, and plays right into the hands of your still jealous rival - that terrible piss midget, Ken Livingstone. 

So let me summarise this memo for you: get a fucking grip or fuck the fuck off.