Brown's Address to Congress

Tomorrow, Gordon Brown will address the Congress in the United States. He will be the fifth, and no doubt the worst, Prime Minister to do so. I, for one, cannot wait for our country to be humiliated on the international stage by this misanthropic, obese version of Mr Bean.

That said, I think I have worked out what will be in his speech. It will go something like this:

(Brown shuffles up to the podium) Ladies and gentlemen (looks around, as if he is momentarily confused by where he is and what he is doing) I thank you all for President Obama inviting me here. (Mumbles something incoherent) Great pleasure (mumbles again, falls silent for a few seconds) Historic day, historic opportunity (squints at his notes) We need... ah... new deal... for the whole world (smiles like a two year old who has just managed to do up his shoes) International action is way forward (looks solemn) unprecendented times... no end, eh, to boom and bust? (Realises he has got his tone completely wrong, looks embarrassed and resentful) Not my fault! (bangs podium) Started in America! (Looks round, realises he has misjudged his audience) Obama and I will follow his lead in me saving the world through a plan for spending money (looks pleased with himself again, before frowning as his mobile goes off) Phones off, please, whilst I save the world (realises it is his phone; fishes it out with a false smile on his face and rage in his eye) heh heh not for me. (Turns off phone, puts in pocket, then suddenly shouts) Only Cameron would do nothing! (He stands, pausing before delivering his knock-out blow) It was all the fault of the Tories anyway! (shuffles away from the podium to a smattering of grudgingly polite applause.)

Actually, Gordon Brown could do worse than go with the above. At the risk of being arrogant, I'd say my speech would actually be one of his best ones. But no doubt he won't go with it, and will somehow find a way to utterly humiliate the country he has never been elected to represent in the first place.