So who is the best James Bond?

Mr E highlights a question put to the freaks and cockbags currently running for the Deputy Leadership of the Labour party – “Who is the best James Bond?” – and uses the answer to prove the truism that no-one should vote for Harriet Harman. But I find their answers reveal something about each candidate. Nothing good, of course…

“Hilary Benn: Sean Connery is James Bond, but Timothy Dalton was pretty good too.”

What a very Nu Labour answer. Offering a definite, certain answer then hedging your bets with some sort of qualification. It must be that iron certainty seen in Tony Benn’s less charismatic son that has led to him being unable to muster enough support to stay in the Deputy Leadership race.

“Hazel Blears: Daniel Craig.”

Yep, drop the name of the person in the role and therefore the person most people will have heard off. Hazel Bleats goes for naked populism, showing herself to be the grubby vote whore I have long suspected her to be. And such naked populism will no doubt win her the election – after all, Labour has done so well in her time as Party Chairperson.

“Jon Cruddas: Sean Connery. Even if his political preferences are not to my taste, his acting is.”

I always need reminding of exactly who Cruddas is. Fortunately his answer helps me to distinguish him from his colleagues – he likes to answer in cliches, and he supports Labour party policies. Hmmmm…

“Peter Hain: I think Daniel Craig is a fantastic Bond, and a much grittier and more realistic figure for the current age than the suave country gents who preceded him.”

Hmmmm, the perma-tanned status/image obssessed Hain is dissing others for being “suave country gents”. Hmmm, there is a phrase about pots and kettles that springs to mind. Also, I would argue that only Brosnan and Moore played the role as a “suave country gent” – Connery played it like a smug Scottish bouncer, Lazenby like a grinning fool and Dalton like a slightly unhinged sociopath. Finally, note that Hain doesn’t answer the question. He names Craig as a fantastic Bond, but, even though he has the longest reply of any of the contenders, he does actually name his favourite Bond. So much the politician – he cannot give a straight answer to a straight question.

“Harriet Harman: None of them. It's time to let Miss Moneypenny drive the cars!”

Oh, please do fuck off Harriet. I have no problem with women in power, I have no real problem with feminism and I have no problem with positive female, strong female characters. But for the love of God, Harriet, try to define yourself as something other a feminist. Your entire campaign is based on your gender and your belief that there should be a female at the top (or near the top) of the government. This answer shows that your myopic view of life is simply focussed on gender. But you know what? Sexism ceases when people view others simply based on their abilities and suitabilities for a role. Gender should be irrelevant. And men are more suitable to play James Bond because James Bond is a male character. Just as women are more suited to play Lara Croft because she is a female character.

“Alan Johnson: Sean Connery, despite his politics.”

So Alan Johnson has an opinion, but feels the need to clarify that Connery’s political opinions do not reflect his own. Jesus, Alan, we are talking about you endorsing someone’s portrayal of a fictional character. Not every political opinon they have ever uttered in their entire lives.

It is terrifying to think that one of the above cretins will end up our Deputy Prime Minister. But at the risk of damning with faint praise, I have to concede that each and every one of them represents an improvement on what went before.