A Review That Just Plain Doesn't Get Doctor Who

Ah, there’s nothing like an ignorant, ill-informed review of a good Doctor Who episode to wind me up. Consequently, this morning I’m going to be deconstructing this review of The Impossible Astronaut from The Sunday Mirror

SATURDAY night, BBC1... and Doctor Who storms back with the first of a two-part adventure called The Impossible Astronaut. As in impossible to understand.

Well, no, actually quite easy to understand. If you pay attention to what is happening in the episode.

Strictly sci-fi nerds only as our 960-year-old hero died and then didn’t die and then landed the Tardis in the Oval Office while President Tricky Dicky Nixon looked on in bemused amazement.If there was a cogent plot it was brilliantly disguised.

Err, there was a cogent plot, but it is one that will only be explained across two episodes. To complain that there isn’t a plot is a little like complaining that there isn’t a cogent plot to Psycho after just 45 minutes of the film.

Plus anyone who actually paid attention to the episode would understand that the Doctor did die - the Doctor we saw for the rest of the episode was an earlier version of the Doctor (who was about 200 years younger than the one who died on the beach). Seriously, pay attention.

Anyway, a picnic in the desert, babies in space suits, an alleged tale of intrigue involving the 1969 Moon landing... and smartly-dressed monsters wearing ties.

Well, it is an intriguing tale. It refuses to play all of its cards in the opening five minutes. But for a story that is going to span circa ninety minutes, that’s actually not a problem.

And is there are a problem with monsters wearing ties? I mean, do they all have to look like the Daleks?

“Have we done Jim the fish?” enquired River Song – the mysterious Time Lady played by Alex Kingston. Gee, River... I dunno. What the hell are you flowing on about?

Have you ever, ever seen the show before? It is filled with asides about what has happened, and what will happen, but what we haven't seen. The Doctor, for example, has never fought the terrible Zodin on screen. Likewise, we’ve never seen the adventure that led to Battlefield as it is (still, apparently) in the Doctor’s future. But surely to fuck that’s inevitable in a show about time travel – and part of the charm. Chances are we’ll never see the adventures River Song and the Doctor discuss in this episode on screen. But the Doctor will always have had adventures we don’t get to see.

And since when has River Song been confirmed as a Time Lady?

A twitchy whirl of studied eccentricity, Matt Smith remains a derivative Doctor who brings nothing new to the party.

Precisely who is Matt Smith derivative of? As far as I can see (and I do know a little bit about Doctor Who), Smith is one of the most original Doctors we have ever had. His mix of brilliance, arrogance and childlike glee is original and very, very watchable. In fact, he is far less derivative that his predecessor, who played The Sociable Doctor mixed with The Forlorn Doctor with a healthy dose of the Fifth Doctor thrown into the mix. You might not like Smith's Doctor - that doesn't automatically make him derivative though.

And this ball of all-round confusion was no way to start a series.

Nah, you’re right, why make the first episode of a season (the series began over 47 years ago) with a plot that is complicated and requires thinking? What sort of a crazy fool would do that?

But I’m guessing the second instalment will end with the sonic screwdriver guy saving the world with seconds to spare. Again.

It is almost certain that the Doctor and/or one of his companions will save the world with seconds to spare (assuming that the plan of the Silence is to damage the world), but then again, it would rather limit the future of the series if all the regulars were killed off and the world destroyed. Yes, the Doctor tends to win (but not always). That is one of the points of the programme. And if you don’t like that, then what the hell are you doing watching the series in the first place, let alone reviewing it.