How to win Come Dine With Me

Yes, I occasionally watch Come Dine With Me. Sure, it's often a bit ghastly and you end up thinking that you would never, ever want to have dinner with any of the contestants. Or even visit their home towns. But watching it is fascinating in some ways, and it is good TV to watch when you don't particularly want to use too much of your brain.

But if you do happen to watch it with even a little bit of your brain turned on, then you'll realise that the contestants often make the same stunningly stupid mistakes. So here it is; my guide of how to win Come Dine With Me. Or at least not lose it badly.

1. Don't go on the show if you are a fussy eater. Seriously, why would you? If you don't like fish, or vegetables, or something else that is almost certain to crop up in one of the menus at some point during the week, then you're not going to have a great time. This isn't a game for those who aren't open to trying new things, just as a sprinting race might not be the right contest for those who don't like running.

2. You're a guest at someone's dinner party, not a paying customer at someone's restaurant. That means that your host is entitled to conduct the dinner party in whatever way they see fit. Sure, you might not agree with them - and you can reflect that in the scoring - but for fuck's sake, don't bellyache about a Muslim host not giving you wine, or a vegetarian host not preparing meat for you. It is their dinner party, you are their guest; grin and bear it even if you don't like it.

3. When you're cooking your own meal, do as much preparation as possible in advance. You're going to be entertaining three to four other people in front of a film crew; in the evening, time will not be on your side. And as an FYI, preparation does not mean getting slaughtered in your own kitchen before the guests even arrive.

4. Cooking will be highly pressurised and there is a real potential for things to go wrong - therefore your Come Dine With Me meal is probably not the best time to try something new, or to go for something you've tried before and went wrong. Do something you know how to do; a well-prepared but safe meal will earn far more points than a badly cooked but adventurous disaster.

But there is one rule - one golden rule that cannot be broken if someone wishes to win this particular competition. And it is this: don't be a dick. This is a popularity contest, people will be voting on you as well as on your food. Therefore, coming across as arrogant, dismissive, boorish, oafish or any other way of winding people up the wrong way is not going to help you to win. In fact, quite the opposite is true; even if you cook the best meal in the world, you still won't win. The simple truth is that people aren't going to vote for dicks. Don't believe me? Just ask Gordon Brown...