How to fuck up a poll result, by the Guardian

According to The Guardian:

Gordon Brown is regarded highly for his leadership abilities and yet continues to suffer in wider popular opinion, raising interesting questions around what matters most to voters.

Or, perhaps, the interesting questions are around what The Guardian considers to be interesting questions about the voters and what constitutes leadership abilities. Let's take a look at these questions, culled from a poll published by the newspaper in question:

Q: In choosing between Gordon Brown, David Cameron or Nick Clegg, who do you think...

Because they are the only party leaders in this country, aren't they? Oh, wait...

...would be best in a crisis?

The majority of government is not about being best in a crisis, it's about being able to manage a country effectively. Expecting a leader to be great in a crisis would be a bit like making a fireman the CEO of a supermarket chain, just in case a store somewhere one day catches fire. It might happen, but is not a certainty. So let's consider other criteria as well then, eh?

...is most capable?

At what? Being an incumbent Prime Minister? Well, that would be Gordon Brown. At being the incumbent Labour leader? Again, Gordon Brown. At being Gordon Brown? I'm guessing that would be, well, Gordon Brown. At not being a total fucking wanker? Well, that would be anyone other than Gordon Brown. See, this question would be more meaningful if it was just a little bit narrower.

...best understands world problems?

Well, Gordon Brown might be the best at understanding world problems, but then again he has been surrounded by international policy experts since he became Prime Minister. Clegg or Cameron could be just as informed, and therefore good at understanding, if they had the same access to Britain's civil service. And besides, understanding a problem is not synonymous with being able to solve that problem. Had the poll asked who would be best to solve world problems, then they might have got a very different answer. Because Gordon Brown could understand every world problem under the sun, but because he is a total and absolute twat, he'd still be unable to solve those problems.

So I'll say this to the Good Ship Guardian and all who sail in her - you want to know why your poll results are shit? It's because your questions are shit. You bunch of dickheads.