Gordon Brown *Blogs*

I came across a gem of a blog post* recently – written by none other than the Prime Minister** - celebrating the publication of Labour’s latest desperate attempt to dig themselves out of the hole they have found themselves in. Or relaunch, to use their term. It is worth commenting on this document in full. Partly because it is short, but mainly because it so perfectly sums up Gordon Brown. In fact, if you read the post, you can almost hear the truculent, grizzled drawl of Brown himself in your head. And that is as much of a warning as an observation.

He starts off with a boast:

I have today published the Government’s plan for Building Britain’s Future. It is a radical vision for a fairer, stronger and more prosperous society for all.

Note Gordon published this personally – no-one helped him. Until he realises it has sunk without a trace. Then it will be everyone’s fault bar his.

We have made enormous strides, driving up standards of health care and education; cutting crime and poverty; and harnessing Britain’s economic potential.

Education and healthcare improved, crime and poverty down? Really? I’m sorry, but where, precisely? Because I certainly haven’t noticed it in any of the towns or cities I have lived in since 1997. And it is a little saddening to read that Brown’s vision of British economic potential is a devastating recession that has decimated the economy and driven up unemployment to horrific levels.

The country has been transformed and I am proud that Britain is now a better place to live.

The country has been transformed – not in a good way, though. Although I suppose it is a better place to live if you are one Gordon Brown. Because when Nu Labour started, he was Chancellor. He is now Prime Minister, without having to fight any sort of a meaningful election. Britain is a better place today because useless incompetents like Brown get promoted without deserving it. Woot!

But I am determined that in this time of profound change, driven by the global economic downturn and the crisis of trust in our political system, the Government will work even harder for you.

Brown’s refusal to accept any responsibility whatsoever for the recession has been commented on often. Here we have another classic example. For all the perceived and unqualified improvements to the UK, he talks of “we”.*** When talking about the downturn – or recession, as some people would have it – it is a global problem. Even now, when he is talking about the UK and boasting about the UK, the downturn still has to be characterised as global. What a twat.

We plan to make public services more accountable: access to a cancer specialist within two weeks, free health-checks for those aged 40-74 and patients entitled to hospital treatment within 18 weeks.

Here, Gordon seems to mistake accountable with accessible. Ironically, his proposal addresses neither issue. If you have cancer, time is of the essence and waiting for two weeks could be the difference between life and death. Likewise, waiting for 18 weeks for hospital treatment is a long period of time – over four months, in fact. Yeah, those times might be an improvement, but given you have paid for those health services through your taxes, you could be forgiven for assuming that you get instant access to them. Besides, the health-checks for those between 40-74 becomes a bit meaningless if you have to wait for 18 weeks to get any treatment for what those checks may reveal.

Parents will be guaranteed an education tailored to their child, with a personal tutor for every secondary school pupil and catch up tuition, including one-to-one, for those who need it.

Sounds great. Although it all sounds very expensive. And there is no slack in the government’s budgets. In fact, those budgets are strained beyond breaking point, and actually giving a personal tutor to every secondary school pupil will probably bankrupt the country.

It is a bit like Brown saying he’s going to give a bar of gold to everyone in the country. He can’t afford to it, he won’t do it, yet he promises it anyway. As mentioned before – what a twat.

And residents will have the right to hold the police to account at monthly beat meetings, get a say on CCTV and vote on how offenders pay back the community.

Who will be at the beat meetings? The police? And at what level? You could send a police constable, but that is just a waste of time since they have no operational control. And those in operational command of the force? Do you think they have the time to attend this sort of meeting?

Besides, how will they hold the police to account? Will the police be obliged to do what the people demand? Because the final point – about how offenders pay the community back – is basically calling for mob justice.

All these commitments will come with proper systems of redress if they are not met.

What systems of redress? And who decides whether the commitments have been met or not? The very lack of detail attached to this means it sounds for all the world like a meaningless platitude – something the PM stuck on at the last minute because someone said he should.

The severe global downturn has threatened our jobs and homes here in the UK, leaving many of you understandably anxious about the future for you and your children.

That goddamned global downturn. Just as well Gordon had nothing to do with it. Otherwise, we might turn the understandable anxiety into blind rage against him…

We will not make the same mistakes of past recessions by losing another generation to work. This is a price we are not prepared to pay. From next spring everyone under 25 who has been out of work for a year will be guaranteed a job, training or work experience place. And they will have to take that offer.

What jobs? What training? What work experience? How will this be paid for? Because the chances are they are out of work because there isn’t a job for them. The economy doesn’t need them, as harsh at that sounds. So you are creating a job, which means it will be taxpayer funded. So we the taxpayer should be allowed to know what that offer of training/job/work experience will be.

Oh, and small but essential point. It isn’t an offer if they have to take it. As soon as they are obliged to take that offer, it becomes an obligation. And this whole things starts to sound like national service for the long term unemployed.

From September every 16 and 17 year old will receive an offer of a school or college place or an apprenticeship.

How are you going to fund this? And will this become an obligation rather than an offer as well? Because some people at 16 or 17 are capable of finding a job. Will they have to turn that down to accept your *offer*, Gordon?

Carefully targeted investment of an extra £1.5 billion over the next two years will also deliver an additional 20,000 new affordable homes and create 45,000 jobs. And new guidance will allow local authorities more flexibility on how they allocate council houses.

A-ha! A detail. Where, though, is this extra £1.5 billion coming from? Especially with the promise of personal tutors and jobs for the youth etc. Because all this will have to be funded somehow. The government has no money. It will have to raise it from somewhere. So before anyone gets excited about the new houses and the new jobs, just remember you’ll have to pay for it.

We have already started the process of cleaning up politics and more action will follow to restore confidence in our democratic institutions.

What actions? A few MPs won’t be standing again, and the speaker of the House of Commons has been replaced with someone else who is up to their neck in the expenses scandal. I hope the coming actions are far more effective than the actions so far. Which have mainly been around self-preservation, deceit and grudging, surface reform.

But today is just the start.

Nope. The start was in 1997. If today is just the start, then you have wasted over 12 years in power, Gordon. Which should be a treasonable offence.

And we want to know your ideas on how we build a better future for Britain – one that’s fairer, more prosperous and responsible. I look forward to hearing from you.

No you don’t want to hear from me, Gordo. You only want to hear from your yes men. But if you do want to hear from me, call a General Election. I’ll tell you to go fuck yourself through the ballot box.

There we have it – a Gordon Brown relaunch that is little more than lies, platitudes, boasts and promises he both cannot and will not fulfil. Business as usual, really.

Of course, Gordon Brown is not alone amongst modern politicians in making empty promises and talking in meaningless hyperbole. Yet what is certain to confine Gordon Brown to political oblivion is his inability to inspire any sort of belief or commitment in those who hear and read his hyperbole and promises. If you listen to Barack Obama, for example, you hear a man saying and committing to nothing. Yet he does it in such a way that makes many people believe in him, and believe that he has promised them a better future. If you listen to Gordon Brown talking about the future, then you hear a middle-ranking, past his prime civil servant reading out the stationary order for next month. Gordon’s blog post makes it clear that he really is the worst kind of politician – deceitful, incompetent and utterly, utterly uninspiring.

*Via here.
**Or perhaps one of his aides wrote it, in between weathering the Prime Minister’s petulant rages and ducking the mobile phones.
***And I’m assuming that’s a typo. What Gordon would want you to read there is “Gordon, and Gordon alone, is responsible for everything that is good in the UK today.”