Scraping the bottom of the barrel – Hazel Blears

Hazel Blears, that reprehensible off-spring of an unfeasibly ugly woman and a giant, mutant squirrel, is throwing her hat in the ring to be Deputy Leader. That’s right, the disgustingly naïve head cheerleader for Bliar not only wants to be Deputy Leader of her party, but also wants to become Deputy Prime Minister.

It is probably no surprise to anyone that I do not like Blears – in fact, one of her more fucktarded assertions nearly caused me to have a fatal apoplexy. Then again, I don’t like any of the shower of cunts who make up our incumbent government. I don’t think any one of them should be a member of Parliament, let alone Deputy PM. But I reckon that Blears is one of the worst of the lot.

There is absolutely nothing to her bar her hysterical bleating for Blair. She looks and sounds a lot like Timmy from South Park, except instead of shrieking “Timmy!” she is shouting “Tony!” Her shameless fucking toadying is the only reason why she has any power whatsoever in this country. This isn’t misogyny, because I am fairly sure Blears is utterly asexual, and it isn’t misanthropy, as I cannot believe that anyone this devoid of any sort of personality or presence is a fully functioning human.

I mean, look at other holders of the Office of Deputy Prime Minister. Whilst looking at Hesletine may make you question whether man has fully finished evolving from the apes, but at least you knew where you stood with him. Mainly because he was incredibly open about what he was looking for from politics – namely naked self interest, at the expense of his party and his government. Prescott is a boorish, arrogant, ignorant waste of space but at least he has a personality.* His personality is almost entirely negative, but Blears can’t even claim that.

And even when measured up against the other likely contenders for the Deputy Leader’s job, Blears looks rubbish. Alan Johnson is a one of those people who desperately tries to be cool and popular – those dumb sunglasses he wore at the last cabinet reshuffle makes me want to hit him repeatedly in the face with a brick whilst shouting “cockbag” at him. But he does have a presence, he is a credible candidate. Likewise, Benn is a Nu-Labour whore who dropped his pants to let Blair bum him at the first whiff of power. But he appears to be a confident and dependable presence. Cruddas is a joke candidate, but a needed left wing totem, a chance for the Labour Party to continue to delude itself that it is a left of centre party. And Harman may be an unusually incompetent twat in a party that has no shortage of incompetent arses, but she seems to be one of the few people in the known world who can get on with the dour drip who is our current Chancellor and most likely to be our next PM. What can Blears offer? The square root of fuck all.

But the fact that she is effectively worthless may actually play to her advantage. Since Prezza decided he would play “hide the chipolata” with any female member of staff who came within five foot of him, the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister has become effectively worthless. Now more than ever, it is a ceremonial position, with a lot in common with the US Vice-Presidency. And, as John Nance Garner so memorably said, the US Vice-Presidency is “not worth a bucket of warm piss”. What better way to sum up Blears – not worth a bucket of warm piss. In fact, I think most people, when faced with a choice between Blears and that bucket, would be quaffing that tepid urine like it was a pint of their favourite ale in their local pub.

*In fact it is quite funny to imagine Prescott as the bully in the cabinet. You can see him picking on the hideously over-earnest Miliband – joining Reid in flushing Miliband’s head down the toilet and other activities that Miliband no doubt deserves. It is wonderful to think of Miliband exploding in frustrated tears of impotent rage as Prescott flicks elastic bands at Miliband’s head, all ignored by the bored presence of Head Teacher Blair.