Doctor Who: Time and the Rani

Now, it may seem strange to say this - especially as I have classed this story as one of the Clunkers - but I actually really like Time and the Rani. Part of this is pure nostalgia, since I was eight when I first watched this story - surely the perfect age to be caught up in the story and not see its numerous shortcomings. And now, as I watch it again, it brings a smile to my fact to think of when this story represented four weeks worth of excitement when it was first broadcast. Of course, I can also see what it is - a big fat misfire; a childish story that represents another failed attempt to relaunch the show after the troubles it experienced in the mid-1980s. The Rani states "this is idiotic" after an unconvincing pratfall from the Doctor; unfortunately, she could be referring to the whole story.

One of the things that the clunkers so far have shown is that even the worst of Doctor Who can have a great performance from the man playing the central character. Unfortunately, this outing is not an example of this phenomena. McCoy here plays the clown and... nothing else. He falls around, he looks confused, he dresses like an arse (seriously, who tucks their question mark tank top into their trousers for God's sake?) and he appears to be very, very stupid on occasion. We shouldn't agree when the Rani refers to the Doctor as a cretin. Of course, McCoy got much better in the role and became, in my eyes, of the greatest Doctors of all time. The frustrating thing is that it isn't seen here - despite the fact that, if you watch his audition on the DVD, he had already had the potential to be a great Doctor.

But even here McCoy is streets ahead of Bonnie Langford as Mel. There have been some terrible performances from companions over the years, but Langford's Melanie Bush is the worst of the lot. She screams, she nags, and the flounces around pontificating in a breathless voice. She also dresses like, well, a massive twat. She looks like a shop assistant in a seaside candy floss booth. The moment she joined the TARDIS crew was a nadir for the show; the moment she left and was replaced by Ace was a real step forward for the programme. "Don't hold that against me" says the Doctor when someone mentions that they have met Mel. I don't hold it against you, Doctor. I hold it against the cretins who ever thought that she deserved a place in the TARDIS.

But it isn't just the Doctor and his companion that are the problem here. The enemies leave a lot to be desired. I always wonder why people expect the Rani to be returning in the new series - that River Song might have turned out to be the Rani, for example. Why? The Rani was in two (well, three if you want to be pedantic) stories - each one worst than the last. She is often made out to be the equivalent of the Master but she really isn't. The Master is genuine Who icon, having caused the death of the Doctor twice. The Rani has managed once (possibly), and is also played with one dimensional zeal by Kate O'Mara. There is nothing to the Rani other than shouting orders and looking dismissive. Why bring back the Rani? You may as well bring back Glitz. Then we have the Tetraps. Well, they scared my brother, but he was six when we first watched this. Physically, they look like ALF after a bad car accident. They sound like a sex pesty phone call, especially when fawning to the Rani. They are slow moving and apparently very stupid. And they seem to shoot some sort of glittery ejaculate from their guns that can knock people out and render them inanimate. The Doctor has faced many rubbish adversaries in his time, but only a post-regenerative Doctor could struggle as much as the Seventh Doctor to foil the schemes of the Rani and the Tetraps.

And the Lakertyans? Either boring, preachy or boring and preachy. They add nothing to the story - literally, nothing. Pull the Lakertyans from the story, and you lose nothing but padding.

The production values also leave something to be desired. The sets are, at least, occasionally well lit, but the whole thing looks like the production team wanted to get as many sci-fi cliches into their set designs as possible. Furthermore, there are embarrassing moments, such as when the Rani is bashing on the cabinet's glass in the fourth episode, that show just how constrained the budget was. Then there's the incidental music. Those who criticise the music of much of Murray Gold should be made to sit through this soundtrack on a loop for a day. It is truly atrocious - it sounds like someone who has bought their first synthesiser and (a) believes that it is the best thing in the world and (b) has found out that it can also make "crazy noises" (the breaking glass when the Doctor puts on the Fifth Doctor's costume, for example). At its best, the score for this show is unobtrusive. At its manic worst, it sets your teeth on edge and is possibly the most terrifying thing on offer here.

Anything good? Well, there is some great FX work - particularly when the rocket takes off in the final episode and whenever the bubble traps are launched. The cliffhangers are also all good - especially the first one, where the post-regenerative Doctor watches his companion apparently spiralling to her death without realising who she is. There is also something curiously satisfying in seeing McCoy wearing his predecessor's costume, although I can't quite put my finger on why. And for a kid the whole thing is tremendously exciting - and if you've never had the chance to watch this one as a child, then you'll just have to take my word for it.

But this is the clunker of the McCoy era for me quite simply because it is the worst of the McCoy stories. Even a story like Delta and the Bannermen has more going for it, despite its numerous flaws. And one of the great tragedies is that this was the first of the McCoy stories. What should have been a big relaunch of the show with a new actor in the lead role was actually a long, boring exercise in playing it safe. There were some great McCoy stories to come - some of which did very original things with the series. But his first outing was an exercise in treading water; a dull cast-off of a story clearly designed for his predecessor rather than for McCoy. The poor opinion many have of McCoy may have been down to this story; had his era started with a story like Remembrance of the Daleks, Ghost Light or even Paradise Towers people might have a better opinion of the criminally underrated McCoy.

The eight year old in me loves Time and the Rani. The thirtysomething in me laments a massive missed opportunity to relaunch the show. A theme which we will be returning to next week...