Doctor Who: Revenge of the Cybermen

While I was re-watching Revenge of the Cybermen for the purposes of this review, I was also introducing our cat to our kitten. As anyone who has tried to introduce house cats to each other, it doesn't often go smoothly. So as Vogans argued and the Doctor insulted Harry onscreen, the living room was filled with feline skirmishes, much scrabbling of claws, guttural growling and vitriolic hissing. I mention this because the Battle of the Cats was far more terrifying than anything that happens in Revenge of the Cybermen.

Of course, it may be unfair to expect Doctor Who to be terrifying, especially to a 32 year old man who has seen the story before. But a successful Doctor Who story should at least create a sense of excitement through putting the main characters in peril - this one certainly manages to put the main characters in perilous situations, but it is only really the climax to the third episode that a true sense of menace is created - which is where the ignorance of Harry jeopardises both the Doctor and him.

Monsters are important to the sense of menace, and here the story is blessed with one of the series' most iconic villains - the Cybermen. What a shame it utterly squanders this opportunity. This isn't quite the worst onscreen representation of the Cybermen (that occurs in Attack of the Cybermen, fact fans, when a Cyberman runs slowly from a room waving his arms and shouting "hurry!"), but it is a close run thing. The decision to make them shoot guns installed in their head is farcical, meaning that they have to stoop slightly to aim (perhaps another cause of their loss in the Cyber war was bad backs caused by constant stooping). But that is nothing compared to the most strikingly awful Cyber leader in history. You can tell he's the leader has part of his head has been painted black. Furthermore, he wanders around barking orders in a slightly constipated voice. But he is perhaps the most temperamental Cyberman in history. Easily wound up, he exudes far more emotion that any of the Vogans - which is odd, since the Cyber race are meant to be devoid of emotion. Even the Doctor is forced to comment on this, saying at one point "nice sense of irony. I thought for a moment he was going to smile." And it is not the first time in this story that he demeans the main villains - his oft-quoted speech* at the Cyber leader (which does wind him up so) is a classic example of the kiss of death on any monster. If the Doctor can't take you seriously, why should anyone else?

The Cybermen are not the only aliens in this story, though. We also get the Vogans. Who are also really shit. In fact, they are shitter than the Cybermen. Part of the problem is that the make-up the actors playing them are supposed to wear actually make it largely impossible for them to actually act. But that's not such a big problem really, because we only have two Vogan characters who say or do anything other than carry shitty guns and fail to look menacing. They are the old leader and the slightly less old rebellious would be leader. And they bicker and they snipe at each other, one being tetchy, the other being pious, without every hitting that Holy Grail of actually being fucking interesting. The day the Vogans return to Doctor Who is the day the show needs another rest.

The humans are a dull bunch, and even Harry seems to be having an off-day. The Doctor and Sarah Jane are the only ones who really put any energy into this - indeed, Tom Baker, like Matt Smith in this day and age, shows how clearly he had taken ownership of the role from his predecessor. It wouldn't last, of course, and Baker would turn in both lazy and unconvincing performances during his long tenure as the Doctor, but here at least he is giving it his all and owns the screen in each and every scene he appears in.

And the story? Pure padding. In the first episode, the Doctor even plays the old childhood game even of "you've got to get across the room without touching the floor". It's a shame, as Gerry Davis came up with some good plots in the past, but this feels exactly like a rough draft of a script from a man who has forgotten what Docor Who should actually be about.

Is there anything good? Well, the production values aren't bad, and it was a great idea to film in Wookey Hole. And as I've mentioned, Baker turns in a great performance in the lead role. But that's about it, really. This comes across as a massive missed opportunity.

And that's what I resent most about this story, really. It arguably isn't the worst Tom Baker story, but coming after three great stories and before a further season of generally high quality instalments of the show, this is just a massive letdown. The same production team had managed to redefine the Daleks just one story before - here they take the Cybermen and make them into ineffective and second-rate adversaries for the Doctor. This should be one of the iconic outings for the Silver Giants and it should complete a great run of strong stories for the show. Instead, it is a massively underwhelming disappointment.

*"You've no home planet, no influence, nothing. You're just a pathetic bunch of tin soldiers skulking about the galaxy in an ancient spaceship."