On the subject of the Rapture...

...I've got some questions. Assuming that this is the second coming of Christ and not the delusional rantings of an old man who has already failed to accurately predict the Rapture once before, I'd like some clarity around the etiquette of the whole thing. So my questions are:

(1) Is there a strict timetable that needs to be adhered to? For the Royal Wedding (another big event with religious overtones) there very much was a timetable, and that way anyone interested in what was going on could more or less know exactly what was happening and when. I know there's supposed to be a big earthquake today, but what happens after that? And all unbelievers are due to be dead by 21st October - do we get to choose when we go to hell? If so, I'd like to book as later a slot for that as possible.

(2) Is there a dress code? I'd hate to be condemned to internal damnation because I wasn't wearing a suit.

(3) I know Jesus is meant to be all-knowing, but frankly he doesn't offer any proof of that. Therefore, in the interests of fairness, I'd like the chance to pitch to Jesus about my worthiness before he decides whether I burn for all eternity or not. Surely not too much to ask...

(4) Is Jesus going to factor in that some of us aren't going to be ready because the conduit to communicate the coming of the Rapture was a daft old man with zero credibility? Had the Pope said it then we might all be taking it a little more seriously; as it stands, I rather think a lot of us aren't going to be ready.

(5) Bearing in mind it has been a longtime since the world last saw Christ, is he going to do something to make him clearly recognisable? The reason why I ask is because there are a couple of people in every neighbourhood who wondered around cursing people and chuntering on about the end of the world all the time. I just want to make sure that Christ differentiates himself from them. Otherwise, all manner of farcical merriment could ensue.

I hope someone comes back to me with answers to my questions soon. After all, there's not long left. Or so I heard...