A Re-Cap of the Labour Leadership Contest So Far

Amazingly, the Labour leadership contest is still going; farting along like a bout of food poisoning - it is unpleasant, it is pretty boring, and you just want it to be over with. But for those of who haven't been paying attention or for those of you who have been paying too much attention, I though I'd give you the summary of how each of the candidates is doing from the perspective of a cynical armchair analyst:

Andy Burnham: It is a complete mystery to me why Andy Burnham bothered with his run for the leadership. He's got precisely nowhere, and despite his claim to be the working class candidate (yes, you're from Liverpool, Andy, but you're hardly Nye fucking Bevan, are you?). In fact he's rendered himself largely indistinguishable from the already beyond bland Miliband sprogs. Well done, Andy, you've become the least charismatic Miliband despite not actually being part of that family.

Diane Abbott: Now, forgive me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Diane Abbott meant to be in the Labour leadership contest in order to make the left-wing case? Because if she was, then I really do wonder what has gone wrong. Because after the brief glare of publicity after Miliband Major patronisingly gave her a way into the contest, we've hear nothing from Abbott. Nada. Zip. Silence has fallen. Which leads me to believe that the left-wing of the Labour party have nothing to say. Which may well be the case, but I don't think John McDonnell would agree with that one. And he must be fucking fuming, since he stood aside to let Abbott into the race.

Ed Balls: Listening to the rhetoric of the Balls camp is wonderful; they all talk about how he's the one that the Tories are afraid of. Whereas the exact opposite is actually true. Balls is the one the Tories want. He's an utterly repugnant individual who would be the one most likely to lead Labour to electoral oblivion - no mean feat, given he is running against Diane "racist hypocrite" Abbott. Balls may have been the one who has been taking the fight to the Tories, but that has achieved remarkably little and revealed only that Balls is a nasty little attack dog; incapable of espousing a positive view of the future and only capable of throwing poisonous barbs at the other parties. Whatever Balls may be, he most certainly isn't an electable leader. And it looks like he'll prove this by not being elected leader.

The Miliband Brothers: I lump them together because they're hard to tell apart. But I think I've found a way. David, with his faintly pained expression and little tuft of white hair, resembles a baby badger with constipation. Ed Miliband appears to have a head that looks like an overcooked baked potato with hair crudely stuck on it. This is the best way to tell them apart, IMHO, since there's been nothing in the campaign so far to aid with it - despite the fact that Badger Boy and Potato (now, there's a pitch for a TV show for kids, right there) have been running against each other. This week, there seems to have been greater attempt to put clear divides between them, and it appears the Badger Boy is the continuity candidate who doesn't mind change while Potato is all about change but won't do away with continuity with the past. Clear? Thought not. Personally, I just wish they'd get the hell on with it and decide which Spawn of the Miliband they want as leader.

Of course, with a long campaign to choose a leader, you're bound to get some fatigue - each primary season in the US drags on, for example, even if it is actually quite exciting. However, this contest has not only never caught on fire, it has been almost completely devoid of incident, event and anything that might provoke something resembling interest for the casual observer. The most memorable thing about this contest is the McDonnell jibe about Thatcher - and that came from someone who didn't become a candidate before the contest even started. Despite having five candidates in this election, there's no-one with personality and no-one with ideas. It speaks volumes about the moral and intellectual redundancy within the Labour party that a Miliband will almost certainly be elected their leader - neither Badger Boy or Potato are leaders, but then again, Labour doesn't appear to have any leaders - or ideas - left in it now.