Wanted*

Last night I went to the cinema to see the film Hancock. For petty reasons that defy understanding, I actually saw Wanted. And what a very mindless film it was too.

Oh, and spoilers ahead.

The film could best be summed up as The Matrix Simplified. The action from The Matrix is kept intact; any of thay messy philosophy or reality bending antics went straight out the window. The film concerns a thousand year old fraternity of assassins (of course!) who have no respect for law and order, each others' well-being or even the laws of physics. They beat the living shit out of each other, and carry out unlikely assassinations from the roofs of trains using bullets that bend because the killers do a funky kung-fu move before they fire their guns. And why do they carry out these assassinations? Because of a loom. Because of a supposed prophesy from a fucking loom. That is not so much unlikely as absolutely insane. How pissed off would you be if someone killed you because of a missed thread from a loom? I for one would be livid, as I spent the rest of eternity stewing in my own rage in whatever passes for the afterlife.

And then there were a whole host of twists and turns, each one less likely but somehow more predictable than the last, to cover the many glaring plot holes and to give Angelina Jolie even more time to pout whilst posing. Then the film thankfully ended.

Every review you read of Wanted that suggests that it is an experience where you should leave your brain at the cinema door is spot on. If you try to think about the plot at all, you'll become irritated and want your money back. If you switch off your brain and simply look at the swirling action like a lobotomised chimp then you'll be fine.

But one final point, before I go back to what this blog should be about**, the message of Wanted seems to be insane in the extreme. It seemed to suggest that unless you were a mass murdering assassin, you are a boring loser who should be judged. Harshly. To give you an example of this, right at the end of the film, the hero breaks the fourth wall and asks the audience accusingly "well, what have you done recently?" And I thought I would answer that question for him.

First of all by detailing everything I haven't done. I haven't told my fat boss to fuck off, before smacking the teeth out of the face of a work colleague's face with a key board. I haven't murdered strangers in unlikely ways based on the prophesies of a fucking loom. I haven't shot my father in the chest as he tries to save my life, nor have I inadvertently caused a train accident that looks like it would have killed hundreds. And I haven't murdered my colleagues with a curious mix of bombs, rats and peanut butter.

What I have done is accidentally watched a tedious film that would have been far better had it not seen fit to patronise me because I lead an ordinary life.

*The right frigging tickets!

**Tedious review of Doctor Who and calling Gordon Brown a cunt, in case you were wondering.