A Suggested Housemate for Celebrity Big Brother

For reasons that could best be classified as classic work avoidance, I caught the opening episode of Celebrity Big Brother on da interwebs yesterday. And, by God, what a bunch to total non-entities they picked! If your most famous people are one of the also-ran Baldwin brothers, a Hollywood madam, a talentless bit part player from a Guy Ritchie movie and Dane fucking Bowers, then your programme has absolutely no right whatsoever to use the word celebrity. It is an insult to any genuine celebrities out there. I mean, for fuck's sake, they've got a woman on there who is famous only for fucking a Rolling Stone. At this rate, Iain Dale will end up popping up as a special, last-minute addition. No, scratch that, he's too famous. Maybe Dizzy would be a better choice.

And the introduction episode was just that - Davina McCall (who, amazingly, still has a job despite having less charisma than the nail on the big toe of my left foot) introduced these celebrities. Since most people don't know and don't care who "Sov" is.

Still, I've got an idea to make this show more fun. I think, in order to shake things up a bit, they should get the Ood on there. In character and all. Seriously, as well as looking a bit freaky with the fronds and the egghead, the Ood are also eminently quotable. They could introduce themselves with the words:

Some may call him Abaddon. Some may call him Krop Tor. Some may call him Satan. Or Lucifer. Or the King of Despair. The Deathless Prince. The Bringer of Night. And these are the words that shall set him free.

Oh, and when there's an argument, this would be a handy phrase:

The Beast and his armies will rise from the pit to make war against God.

And, finally, when someone leaves the Big Brother house, they could say:

This song is ending, but the story never ends.

I reckon this is a brilliant idea, and that the Ood might even be able to win Celebrity Big Brother. And even if you reckon that having a fictional alien from a TV show is a bad idea, let me ask you this - would having the Ood on Celebrity Big Brother actually make it any worse?