Glenrothes by-election

By-elections are completely irrelevant when a government is popular and/or has a large majority. But as soon as a government starts to be hated, or has a vulnerable majority, by-elections become far more fun. They become the chance for the voters to send occasional hate mail to our elected leaders, and remind them that they are only in Parliament at our whim and we can, in theory, kick their bloated asses out onto the street.

And as Glenrothes goes to the polls I'd imagine that a large proportion of those voters are readying themselves to tell Gordon Brown to go fuck himself. Which is always a thoroughly worthwhile cause.

What is interesting, though, is how governments respond to by-election results. If Labour lose today, then Gordon won't comment on the result. No, instead he will send some poor Cabinet minister out to the media wolves like a lamb to the slaughter. If Labour lose, then we will have the joyous spectacle of Alan Johnson or Hazel Blears frantically trying to explain how the latest electoral "fuck you" to the Labour party is actually good news for them. They will also play down the importance of by-elections, stating they are protest votes or no indicator of how people will actually vote in the a General Election.

But if Labour win today - which is within the realms of possibility - then suddenly this by-election will become, in the eyes of the Labour government, as pretty much the most important thing to happen. Ever. It will be compared to the Second Coming of the Good Lord Jesus Christ - or the election of Barack Obama, as that event is now known in the USA. And Gordon Brown will be leading the charge, claiming a resounding victory for his abortion of an economic policy. Fuck me, we may even have the terrifying prospect of Gordon Brown smiling, which, as we all know, is about as attractive as a Gorgon's face when they fart.

Yet if Labour do win today... if they do win, then maybe it will give Gordon the confidence he needs to do something that is, for him, absolutely unprecedented. Maybe he will go to the national polls. And so I almost hope Labour do win today, and then call a snap election. Mainly because Labour will lose that election. Make no mistake about it, I would find little joy in a Tory victory. But fuck me, it would be nice not to have the unedifying sight of Gordon Brown jumping on every bandwagon going for the next two years, like a randy dog trying to find relief and satisfaction by humping the leg of any passing stranger.